journey of hope

Today is my Resolution

2012-01-01T12:26:00.000-05:00

A resolution is a firm decision to do or not to do something, the act or process of resolving. Guess most of our resolutions turn out to not be so firm. Mine are far from firm. In fact, they're just plain...mushy.

I love new beginnings. I dare say that no one loves making New Year's resolutions more than I, but my track record with them is not so great. And I know the reason why. My response when faced with the decision to follow through with my resolution is...tomorrow. Not exactly what one would consider resolve.

Although my resolutions have been "epic fails," I'm not ready to give up on them. So I've decided this year's resolution is to give up my response of "tomorrow" and instead resolve to say, "today."

I read last night in Entreleadership by Dave Ramsey that one of the most important things to do with our goals is to write them down. So, there. It is written. This year I resolve to say...today.

With that being said, I'm off to my first "today" thing. And nope...not going to spill the beans just yet.

I pray that 2012 is our best year yet. Face it with grace! Happy New Year, everyone!

This beautiful pic can be found at http://www.williamsportmd.gov/images/fireworks4.jpg.

Have Mercy

2011-12-29T15:23:00.000-05:00

There is a time to lovingly speak truth, and there is a time to shut up and show mercy. Mercy and judgement have always been difficult for us Christians. We tend to fall into extremes. That's human nature.

I've said for years that if I am to err, I should err on the side of mercy. The merciful will obtain mercy, and the measure in which you judge others will be the measure in which you will be judged. I'm not perfect. We all fall short. And whoever is without sin...go ahead...cast the first stone.

According to a recent study, the church is considered to be judgmental in general and to be hateful towards people who live alternative lifestyles. We Christians are called to live holy and righteous personal lives. We are also called to show love and respect to others.

Yes, we sometimes need tough love and to also give that tough love to others, but we are not called to be others' holy spirit. There is one already that has the responsibility to guide and convict, and he does it much better than we can.

Because we are loving and merciful, we desire to share life and truth with others, but we cannot and should not force our way onto others. God gives us free will. Who are we to not allow others that same free will?

I try to live a holy life because I love and respect God and others around me. I try to show mercy to those who, like myself, fall short and struggle. And I think it is perfectly biblical to teach and advocate mercy, love, grace and forgiveness, just as it is biblical to teach about sin, repentance and hell.

I'm a little bothered because of all the things I've read and heard over the past few months from Christians who have chosen to speak so much judgement and so little mercy.

God is love, and with that love comes an element of holiness as well as mercy. In my years of life and ministry, I have found it is often much easier to try to make others be holy, and it is so much harder to live honestly and transparently and with mercy and forgiveness.

Lately, I have found myself asking God what the Gospel was intended to be before we Christians got a hold of it and transformed it into what we have now. I desire to find that pure, unadulterated Good News that Jesus lived and taught. I pray that I can live out the great command to love God with everything in me and to love people as I love myself.

The older I get, the more I realize I have to learn, the further I have to go. God, may you continue to increase in my life, and may my way and will continue to decrease...until everything I am resembles you.

a new journey is beginning...and it's all good

2011-12-21T22:00:00.000-05:00

I am not the same person I used to be. I have always struggled with self esteem. I have struggled with making decisions, sharing an opinion, speaking my mind, assessing my worth.

I am not that woman anymore. That wounded, unsure, fearful person has blossomed into a confident, emotionally healthy, adventurous one.

I am about to enter into a new phase of my life. In May 2012, I will graduate from Georgia State University with a degree in Journalism/Public Relations and will emerge a career woman.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous. OK...truth be told, I'm stressed to the point that my facial tic is back. Dern that eye twitch!

Seriously though, my cup runneth over. I don't know what the future holds, but I am excited about it nonetheless.

I caught myself saying the other day that I'm good at what I do. Those words coming from my mouth to my ears surprised me. I've never felt this confident before.

I thank God for those he has strategically placed in my path. I thank God for a supportive family. I even thank God for my struggles. All this has led me to where I am now.

You know, in Genesis, every time God finished a phase in his creation, he ended it by saying that it was good. Well, I'm gonna follow his lead.

As I finish up this phase of my life, I must say (in the Hammond family way)...like gravy on a biscuit, baby, it's all good...it's all good!

that cute pic came from ...http://tulsafood.com/talk/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/I-HEART-BISCUITS-GRAVY.jpg

Making the Most of It

2011-10-18T11:46:00.001-04:00

Public speaking...everyone's favorite pastime, right?

Yeah...not hardly.

But it is a requirement for graduation, and I could put it off no longer.

So I decided to make the most of it and just have fun with it. Turns out...it's one of my favorite classes now. Of course, it doesn't hurt that the teacher is incredibly gifted at teaching and has made this an enjoyable experience. She knows her stuff and is passionately creative about it. And just yesterday, she let us out early. Gotta love that! Go Ms. Kofoed!!!

I'm not just getting more comfortable at giving speeches, but I'm learning to take some risks and to slow down. I've become more confident and have found out a little bit more about myself and how I'm perceived.

I know that public speaking is not what I do best, although my professor says I'm a natural speaker if only I'd slow down! I know I'm not the best speaker in my class, and that's ok. But I own what I do, and I'm just enjoying being myself. Come to find out...I'm considered very personable when giving speeches even if I do sound like a chipmunk on crack. Thus, I'm learning to slow down.

I maintain that it's not that I speak too fast, it's that people in the South think too slow!

I've enjoyed learning my lesson of how to make the best of a not so desirable situation. I'm praying that will carryover into other areas of life as well. Although the situation definitely requires stretching myself and results in growth, I am finding out that the journey can be a lot of fun in the process. Learning is lifelong, and I'm finally embracing that. And while I'm at it, I'm learning to have fun with it.

It's funny the things God uses to teach us. In this case, public speaking class. Who knew?

Hating People Into the Kingdom?

2011-10-14T16:53:00.000-04:00

"You're going to hell!"

"You're an abomination!"

"God hates you, sinner! Repent!"

...and the list goes on. These are just a few of the statements that non-Christian friends of mine have heard by "Christian" groups "evangelizing."

Does anyone actually think it works to hate people into heaven? It both breaks my heart and angers me to see my friends being treated this way. I can assure you these tactics do not work.

Sometimes I think it's a miracle that I haven't been rejected by my friends for being a Christian, but they tend to be somewhat more accepting of people different from themselves.

And so was Jesus.

He was criticized by the religious crowd for associating with the ungodly people in his day. Unless I'm mistaken, he never tried to hate them into the kingdom. Instead he taught us to love those within our reach as we love ourselves. He ate with "sinners." He cared for women and children. He touched and healed the diseased. He fed the hungry.

The bottom line is that we are called to love God and love people. We are told to treat people like we want to be treated. We are shown the example of serving others. Jesus lived this himself. His example should inspire us to go out and do likewise. After all, he changed the world doing this.

And I believe we can change our world by following Jesus' example. What if we ate with sinners? What if hung out with those rejected by others? What if we said "Thank you" to those who serve us rather than treating them like it's their job to cater to our every desire? What if we said, "God cares about you" rather than screaming that he hates them? So many what ifs.

I guess I just have a heavy heart because it seems that more and more Christians are missing the point of Christianity. It's not just in the big things, but in the little things we do. And that includes our attitudes and motivations. It just shouldn't be that way.

But it should be this way:

But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! --Galatians 5:22-23

I don't want to miss a thing...

2011-08-18T23:27:00.000-04:00

L to R: Jonathan, Lily, Katy, Leyah (Matthew's girlfriend), Matthew

It's official. The season leading up to the empty nest has begun. My oldest is a high school senior. Next week, my baby turns 13.

I've always known they'd grow up one day. And I knew that when my first one got there, the others would be quick to follow.

I had four children in less than five years. With three in diapers and a wild toddler into everything, I felt sometimes that they would never grow up. I longed for them to grow up. Now I wish those days had lasted just a little bit longer. They were precious.

But I think if I could freeze any season of their lives, it would be now. I know it sounds crazy, but I love the teen years. There is so much excitement, so much hope. My kids are beginning to think about whom they want to be, what they want to do, and with whom they want to share it. I love watching this unfold. My husband and I have been blessed. We have good kids, and we're so very proud of them.

I've always been hesitant to give parenting advice, but I think I've earned the right now.

So here it goes:

Cherish the moments you have with your children for time passes quickly.
Take advantage of teachable moments, those times when you choose not to punish but rather choose to explain life through their mistakes or the mistakes of others, including your own.
Look at your kids when they talk to you. Get down on their eye level. If you all learn to converse when they're younger, they'll keep talking when they're older. And get unlimited texting. It's fun to text your kids especially when they're in the same room with you.
Ask yourself often, "Will this matter five years from now?" If so, address it. If not, let it go. Choose your battles.
Go to their games, their recitals, their practices. Don't just drop them off. They love to know you're watching them and cheering them on.
Remember your responsibility is to help your children not need you. I know it sounds harsh, and it bruises the ego. But consider this: our time with our children is limited. In that limited time we need to teach them independence, character, grounded thinking and faith. We give them the tools they need to succeed in life.

But don't worry. They always come back to us. They'll always need us for love, advice, support and gas money. But they'll be able to stand on their own two feet and take risks because we did a good job preparing them for their future.

I can't believe this time has come. Forgive me if I'm not available as much, but these next few years belong to my family. I don't want to miss a thing. I think that's the way it ought to be.

Growing Old Gracefully

2011-07-13T22:22:00.000-04:00

As I grow older and experience more of life, I find it increasingly challenging to keep a soft heart. Reasons to be disillusioned, negative and closed off loom in various places, and those places seem to multiply at a rapid pace.

And that's a problem for me because I envision myself growing old gracefully, embracing life and living to the fullest. When I close my eyes, I see a vivacious, smiling, seasoned woman surrounded by friends and family...and lots and lots of grandchildren.

Allowing myself to be distracted by challenges, inconveniences and negativity threatens my dream of blissful existence.

A few years ago, I met a woman with many years behind her. It's safe to say she's seen a lot that could make her disillusioned, bitter and cold; yet she smiles more than anyone else I've ever known. As she speaks to others, her love and enthusiasm spread in a splendidly contagious way. People leave her presence feeling better about the world and life in general.

She says her body doesn't work like it use to, but that's okay because every day is a gift from God. She feels blessed to be alive.

She has a soft heart. She's who I want to be: a gracious, kind, loving and splendidly contagious woman.

I heard her tell someone once that she just loves life, she loves children, and she is grateful for all her many blessings.

Perhaps gratitude is the key: thanking God for all the blessings and for all the challenges. Perhaps bliss is a result of surrendering our circumstances to God and trusting that he's working it all out for our good.

I can't always choose my surroundings, but I can choose to be grateful. I can't always choose my path, but I can choose to trust God with my unknowns.

And as I grow older and my body gradually stops working like it used to, I can smile a genuine smile knowing that though my heart is aging, it's as soft as it's ever been. And perhaps I'll serve as inspiration to another generation to love, laugh and cherish life.

what lies beneath

2011-06-04T19:46:00.001-04:00

most of an iceberg is found beneath the water's surface, and most of what is real about a person is found underneath layers of skin.

as much i try to be real and transparent, i have parts of myself that i keep hidden away. i won't share these places with anyone. i've become very good at pushing them deeper and deeper. sometimes i even forget they are there.

i feel as if God places a mirror in front of me, and no matter where i turn that mirror is always before me. i can't look away. i am forced to see myself. but unlike mirrors that only show the exterior, God's mirrors reveal what lies beneath.

i see the pain i've buried in the corner of my heart, the hate i've crumpled up and swept to the side, the sins i've attempted to whitewash so they don't look so hideous.

and i confess. the words, the emotions rush past my lips with the force of a mighty waterfall.

Here's My Heart

2011-06-04T01:33:00.001-04:00

I usually don't like myself very much during the times when God is purifying my heart.These times are both sweet and frustrating. It's a love-hate situation. I love getting closer to God and being a better person, but I hate how I feel during the process. I hate the ugliness that surfaces. I don't want to admit it's there.

I'm not going to lie about it. It scares me. I'm always afraid God is going to ask too much of me. What if I fall short? What if I don't live up to his expectations of me? What if I can't be who he wants me to be?

I have an anxious heart. I feel overwhelmed. There's so much that needs to change in me. Where do I start?

It's silly. I can't help but think that if God knew the real me, he wouldn't like me very much. I don't want him to see my imperfections. But God already knows everything about me. Nothing is hidden from him.

I realize this process would go much more quickly and easily if I would just let go of those things I work so hard to keep from him.

By now I should know better than to think he'll disown me if I'm not perfect. It's his grace and mercy that compel me to yield my will and stubborn heart. No one wants what's best for me more than God, yet I am afraid.

God, change my anxiety to peace, my fear to trust, my insecurity to expectation. Calm my heart. Relax my grasp. Open my mind. Reveal your glory through my brokenness. Here I am. I am yours.

To My Daughter Upon Entering High School

2011-05-28T00:13:00.000-04:00

This is a letter I wrote to my daughter Lily for her 8th grade banquet.

Dear Lily,

I always wanted a little girl. You have no idea how excited I was when you were born. You were tiny with a head full of dark hair. We put a little pink bow in your hair and took you home the next day.

About a week later, your dad and I packed up you and your big brothers and headed off for Washington state for your dad's job. About halfway there, you started having seizures in my arms. I have never been so afraid in my life. I saw your brief life and my visions for your future flash before my eyes, and for a second I thought I would lose my little flower girl to eternity.

But God had other plans, and no one is happier than I. We never knew why you had those seizures, but time and medicine took the problem away. You have now grown to be a beautiful, intelligent and talented young lady.

I know that right now you don't know what you'll be when you grown up, and that's all right. You have time to figure all that out. Too often we rush toward the destination; and although it's good and noble to have goals, it's just as important to enjoy and embrace the journey. Take in the sights. Laugh a lot. Put yourself in others' shoes. Be fearless. Make the most of the moments God has given you. You'll get to the destination one day along with the rest of humanity. However, unlike those who just coast through life, you will be able to say you lived with no regrets.

I am proud of you. I always have been. These first few years of your life have been wonderful, but I bet there are even better things in store for you.

Always do your best. Don't settle for mediocrity. Keep your eyes on God. Guard your character and integrity. Love, respect, and listen to others, especially those who are different from you. They have a lot they can teach you, too. You are a special young lady with a lot to offer the world.

And don't just learn what to think, learn how to think. Know not just what you believe but why you believe it. Ask questions. Questioning God doesn't mean you have a lack of faith; it shows you take your faith seriously. God is big enough to handle each and every question, and it gives Him the opportunity to reveal to you His glory and wonder.

Your dad and I love you very much. These are exciting days. Enjoy them. Embrace them. We are excited for you and the journey that awaits you.

With all my heart,
Mom

either i missed the rapture or it didn't happen

2011-05-22T22:19:00.000-04:00

i never thought i'd think, "i'm so sick of that bible verse!" but i have heard and read "no one knows the day or the hour..." more times than i can count. it may be true, but i seriously don't want to hear it again for a while. =)

yes, i made a few jokes about the impending day of judgment, but as soon as the funniness faded, i started to feel sorry for those who believed and were let down. then i got on twitter and saw what was trending. that's when i started feeling sorry for those mocking. the hardening of hearts toward GOD really broke my heart. this isn't JESUS. this isn't what he is about.

i’m praying for both sets of disillusioned people. i pray both find truth and peace in the days, months and years ahead.

wake up

2011-05-15T22:04:00.000-04:00

i got overly confident after having a couple of good days of not overeating. i slipped into a mindset of ... yeah, i can have that. i've been doing well. i deserve it.

guess what happened. yep. the weight quit coming off.

i realized that i need to wake up and be aware of my situation. i can't cruise through and think i'm just going to magically lose the weight i want. i'm not going to go to sleep and wake up the next morning unattached to food.

this is going to take resolve. i'm going to have to stay awake and aware.

i also need to remind myself that i deserve better than to overeat. i deserve to be free from the pull of the refrigerator. God loves me, and his desire is that i live a free and abundant life.

this week my goal is to stay awake.

food was meant for the stomach, not for the heart

2011-05-06T21:02:00.000-04:00

we all have holes in our souls, places that are incomplete, damaged, ravenous even. last night, as i tossed and turned, i felt God showing me some holes in my own soul.

every time i start a journey, God visits with me and reveals areas of hurt, unforgiveness and insecurity. i realize this is necessary, but it is very uncomfortable and sometimes unnerving when God shines light on my darkness forcing me to acknowledge its presence.

what does this have to do with overeating? for me...just about everything.

i eat to satisfy my hunger. i overeat to satisfy the longings of my soul. food has a numbing affect. some people turn to alcohol. i turn to food. when the binge is over, i feel guilty. i feel incomplete. the food doesn't magically make my life better. it doesn't heal my soul or fill the holes in it. it makes it worse.

today i stuggled. i have fought back tears. i have run to food many times today outside the boundaries of hunger so that i could fill my longing heart, but i can't feed my heart with food. it's one thing to feed your stomach when you're hungry. it's quite another to medicate yourself with food.

though i struggled today (and still am), i have so far been able to put the food down and walk away. it's so hard, but as I read psalms today, God reassured me he has heard me today.

transparent about my struggles with weight...how fun.

2011-05-04T23:38:00.000-04:00

there are a lot of things in my life that i'm happy with, but my weight, eating habits and lack of exercising are not among them. also i haven't been reading my Bible like i would like. i read on occasion, but my taking 6 classes this semester has taken my attention away from reading the Bible and towards reading textbooks...a lot.

i have, however, talked to God a lot more this year. i'm chalking that up to those long commutes to and from atlanta. i quit calling it prayer these days. for whatever reason, i'm more comfortable with saying i'm having a chat with God. so it's not all bad.

but now it's time for change. i read a quote the other day about how it's not our lack of self-control but our not being ready for change that keeps us worshiping the status quo god.

i hate to admit it: but i overeat because i want to, and i don't exercise because i don't want to. i think that's called...(gulp) rebellion (at least for me). that needs to change, but i've had a problem wanting to change. i feel awful afterwards, and i swear i'm going to change. and then i don't. i haven't been ready to change.

i wish i could say that tonight i'm making my declaration to change, but to be honest, i don't trust myself to say that and mean it.

i know i need to continue my journey. i've worked through forgiving a whole lot of people and situations though i have a few ongoing that i need to readdress, and i've shared that journey of healing and wholeness. i guess i should share this other broken part of me. i know i'm not the only one who struggles with weight and overeating.

i wish this weren't true about me, but it is. this could get ugly. in fact, i know it's ugly. and i've tried to hide it far too long. it's time to shine the light on this darkness and deal with it. i hope i'm ready for this.

to faith

2011-04-28T15:31:00.000-04:00

tough day... final exams. storm ripped through the area last night. my sister's birthday.

faith would have been 34 today. i don't always remember these days, but it shook me a little this time.

she was 6 when she passed. brain tumor. i was 8.

i hardly remember her now. it's been so long.

this is going to be short. i just needed to acknowledge her today. i needed to remember.

happy birthday, faith. i know i didn't tell you this enough. we were just kids. and kids think life goes on forever. had i known...i would have told you one more time. i love you.

Keepin Us Honest

2011-04-17T16:58:00.000-04:00

The other day I talked with a friend after class. She and I are the same age, and both of us are married. We actually have quite a bit in common.

In the course of our conversation, we drifted to politics. She has it in for fundamentalists, and I have a feeling she has a good reason. I responded that someone needs to keep them honest. ...and that's true.

We all need people in our lives to keep us honest.

We may not like what others have to say when they criticize or disagree with us, but we need to listen.

And we need to be respectful and openminded.

When we quit listening to other points of view, when we quit associating with people different from us, we tend to become closeminded and inward-focused...and in some cases, condescending and downright mean.

People who disagree with us or ask us questions keep us on our toes.

That's not a negative thing. Instead, it's quite positive. It's good for us.

At times, we'll engage in debate. But there are rules.

Seek first to understand rather than to be understood, so spend more time listening than talking
At least consider the possibility you might be wrong
Be willing to agree to disagree
Be respectful; no name-calling
Don't put words in the other person's mouth or assume you know where they stand
Do your homework before engaging in debate. You lose credibility when you don't know what you're talking about or rely on what someone said someone else said...or wrote

With that said, let the conversations and healthy exhanges begin.

what's next?

2011-04-12T23:03:00.000-04:00

I was so disappointed earlier this week. I was trying to get a local internship, but I didn't get it. Though my resume was impressive, they decided to go with someone else. Bummer...

I searched for others, but all of them are in Atlanta or farther...with no pay. Again, bummer...

Then I started thinking that maybe God's got a better plan. I do have a plan B that I'm not too disappointed to go with.

And then tonight, my friend Dusty Takle posted a quote from Steven Furtick, "The good thing didn't happen so that the better thing could."

Maybe that's God's way of letting me know that it's all good.

It's difficult when you want something pretty bad and you pray for God's will to be done and what you wanted didn't happen. But I'm all right. OK, so it's my plan B. It very well may have been God's plan A for me. Guess we'll see. =)

It's all good, and for whatever reason, my heart is at peace, happy even. I know God will take care of me and my family.

And I did something exciting tonight...I volunteered to do something at my church later this week. That's a big step, but I'm so ready.

Oh, happy day! Really. I mean it!

Don't Stop

2011-04-04T22:11:00.000-04:00

As I'm approaching the end of my first year back at college, I am finding it difficult to keep on going. I think I see a flicker of light at the end of a dark tunnel, but I'm not sure about that. After this semester, I have 2 more semesters to go. I keep telling myself, "One more month till summer. Just one more month. You can do this." And everyday, I feel myself slipping into despair. The end will never come. One month is too long.

Now that I've sufficiently bummed everyone out, I will try to remedy that. I have come to realize that those are the times I need to take a deep breath and tell myself to just get through the day. That's it. That's all. Just one day. That day turns into two and then three until Thursday afternoon arrives marking the end of another week and bringing me one week closer to graduation.

I could give up. I did take a weekend off from studying. What an attitude I had, too! I'm NOT going to study. I HATE school. I'm NOT going to be responsible. ...and I sat on my sofa and played computer games all weekend. Monday rolled around, and I got my butt in gear and studied like there was no tomorrow...well, you know what I mean.

I didn't give up. I took a break. But then I got back in there, and I persevered. It paid off.

My point is that when life gets overwhelming, sometimes you need to take a break and rest for a moment and then suck it up and keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up. It's amazing how you get a little momentum going and before you know it, all is well. Or even if all doesn't turn out well, it's done and you survived. Sometimes that's a major accomplishment.

So...I'm taking my advice tonight. Take a moment and rebel against the system. OK. Now remember your goal. And get back in there and study. You can do this. Just keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up.

questioning GOD

2011-03-05T22:52:00.000-05:00

"It is the glory of God to hide things but the glory of kings to investigate them." --Proverbs 25:2

questioning our faith, our beliefs, doesn't mean that we've turned our backs on GOD. if anything, it shows that we take our faith seriously.

i've been taking a class on religions this semester, and i'm fascinated. it's like i'm discovering faith all over again. when we got to christianity, i realized there is so much that i didn't know. and now i find myself wanting to rediscover a faith that was becoming a stale religion to me.

i've decided to try to undo faith in under to discover it again. without realizing it, i've approached christianity, JESUS and the BIBLE from a religious paradigm. and now i want to read and approach as a blank slate.

i wonder if i'll see things differently, if i'll have a different understanding and appreciation of who GOD is and who i am in relation to him. i want to search and investigate free from preconceived notions. i want to wrestle with the word. i want to ask GOD questions and not just accept because i was taught that it was wrong to question GOD.

it is not wrong to question GOD.

i believe that when we ask questions and wrestle with interpretations, GOD smiles. maybe i'm wrong but if GOD is all-knowing and i am lacking knowledge, isn't it a compliment to him that i am searching him out? is he not big enough to handle my questions? does he fear being found fraudulent or inconsistent? nah. i don't buy that.

i wonder if GOD operates like i do. i am mysterious. i don't tell everyone everything i know. but i love when someone finds me interesting enough to ask me questions and search me out to find out who i really am. i find it sweet. when david and i were dating, we used to talk for hours, sharing intimate details and discussing anything and everything. not once did i get offended by his desire to know all about me. if anything, it made us love each other more.

and that's my desire. to know and love GOD more than ever. i wonder what i'll discover.

i must admit i feel a little wide-eyed, like a fat person at an endless buffet. hmmm. taste and see that the LORD is good. i wonder... =)

all things in moderation

2011-02-21T20:19:00.000-05:00

my name is hope, and i'm a perfectionist...

i am such an overachiever. i admit it. i thought i was over my perfectionist ways, but going back to school has enabled me to see that i haven't quite gotten it out of my system.

i study too much. i burn myself out. it's sad.

i guess i could have worse addictions. it's unfortunate that my perfectionism doesn't extend to household chores. i haven't really cleaned my house in months. it used to bother me. not so much anymore. one day, i'll hire someone to do that for me. yep, that's the plan.

thank GOD for spring break next week! i have already given myself a good "come to JESUS talk" regarding no schoolwork for at least a couple of days. yes, i do plan to study some during that time, but i will make myself take a much-needed break. AND I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT EITHER!!!

i guess my point is that even good things and good-for-us things need to be done in moderation.

i am taking my own advice. i promise...well, i'll start next week.

it's ok to be responsible. but let's remember this: live a little. laugh a lot.

don't feel guilty when you take time to enjoy life!

take care!

time for resolutions

2010-12-30T16:26:00.000-05:00

i know...

some people don't believe in new year's resolutions. that's ok. i think of them more as new beginnings. even as i write this, i smile about the term "new beginnings" because it seems so appropriate. the year of 2010 started out with us having home church, but during the spring, we decided to give a new church a chance. the name? avalon, which means "new beginning." i guess i'm carrying my time of new beginnings into 2011.

a few days ago, our pastor blogged about the church's annual daniel fast. i've never done that before. to be honest, it seemed more like a spiritual fad to me. i've not always been a fan of fasting, partly due to a "super spiritual" couple i used to know who, every two weeks, would brag about just having come off another three-week fast. as a result, i tend to roll my eyes when people start talking about fasts. however, avalon and pastor ritchie have been winning my trust over the past few months, so i decided to talk to david about it, who seemed pretty positive about us joining the fast.

so i've been thinking about what i feel i need to focus on during this fast. i have once again been turning to food to fill the holes in my soul. this is both a physical and a spiritual issue for me. i realized on my walk today that i have toxins in my body and toxins in my spirit. and they need to go away. and i need to deal with them. i also have some questions about what paths i need to choose in regards to life and ministry. and i'll be joining in with my church in our collective prayers to find and know the will of GOD for the church.

already, i can feel GOD gently speaking to my heart and dealing with me about letting go of the things that cause me harm both physically and spritually. i know GOD wants me to have a new beginning, but i know i can't go into a new beginning until i let go of the past. even now, my heart is torn. even now, my spirit aches. i know this won't be easy, but i know that the journey will be worth it.

what if...

2010-12-23T15:40:00.001-05:00

i suppose i've seen "it's a wonderful life" a few too many times because every year around this time i begin to wonder "what if..."

what if my sister was still alive?
what if i had never met my hubby?
what if we had stayed there?
what if that church had hired us instead?
what if we hadn't gone through that?
what if the birth control had actually worked? (so glad it didn't)
what if...what if...what if...

sometimes i think i would like a glimpse of how things might have been. where would i be now? how would life be different?

i know. i probably think too much. but really...wouldn't it be cool to get the chance to see what could have been?

i don't know though. i guess in many situations in life, i can see the hand of GOD guiding. i don't know what could have been, but i can't imagine life without my family. and those experiences? well, they've made me who i am today, and i kinda like who i am. =)

yet still i wonder...

my decision to get involved at church

2010-12-19T19:00:00.001-05:00

lately, i've been toying with the idea of getting more involved at my church. i've dreamed for some time about how church could be, and so many of the ideas i've had, i actually see going on at avalon. even today, i leaned over and told my hubby..."if i had done that, i'd have gotten into trouble. I LOVE THIS PLACE!"

i love going to church in blue jeans and a sweatshirt. i even went last week without any makeup, and it didn't bother me a bit...and no one gave me "the look." i'm a good person, but church people have a tendency to make me feel like i don't measure up, that i'm not acceptable, that i'm a troublemaker, that there's something wrong with me. but i don't feel like that at avalon. one of my kids and i were talking a couple of weeks ago about church in general. he said he liked avalon and that it helps that they're nice there. and nice, they really are. and relaxed. and happy. and non-judgmental. i really fear being judged by church people. i hate feeling inferior and lacking. but in the months we've been at avalon, i can honestly say that i have never felt that way...and no one is more surprised than i.

and now i think i've waited, watched and tested them enough. i told the hubby this morning that i think i want to get involved in their outreach program called HOPE. i'll take it slowly. i don't have a problem with GOD consuming my life, but i never want to get myself into another situation in which i let church consume my life. my family comes before my church. and GOD comes before all else.

just making the decision to show interest in a ministry at any church is a huge step for me. i think it's time though. i finally feel like i'm home. i finally feel like it's safe. i finally feel like i've found a place i can be myself and get into some really fun trouble with some really good people. and somehow, i think GOD would approve.

i think that's GOD's way of telling me, "merry christmas!" and what a wonderful gift it is! GOD, you totally rock, and i sooo adore you!

below is the link to MY church! check it out! =)

http://avalonchurch.net/

thinking about thinking

2010-12-12T13:58:00.002-05:00

my oldest son used to have a basketball coach when we lived in northeast georgia who was loud, demonstrative, and passionate. he was a nice guy though some feared him.

the thing the coach was famous for was his repeated use of a one-word instructional phrase, which could be heard many times...and very loudly, i might add. someone would do something wrong or careless on the court, and you knew it was coming. his hands would ball into a fist, his index fingers would extend and beat at his temples, and he'd start yelling, "THINK! THINK!" ...an image i will not soon forget. our family has mimicked it many times. good times. good times.

i don't know what brought that memory to mind today, but i started thinking about thinking.

i hear so much in the church world- fallacies in our thinking and reasoning, and inconsistencies in our beliefs and behavior- and i get this all-too-familiar picture in my head again of the coach yelling "THINK!" and i wish he were around to say it.

thinking is a powerful thing, and we should do more of it. i try always to encourage my children to think for themselves and to search truth for themselves. though i guide them, i try not to tell them what they should think. i want for them to learn to think critically. i think that will better prepare them for life. i know some parents who fear their children being exposed to schools of thought different from their own particularly when it comes to religious ideologies and traditions, but since i firmly believe that JESUS is the truth, i don't fear my kids questioning what they've been taught. when they question, we take the time to explore. the words, "because i said so" are rarely used and usually are applied to the completion of undesirable household chores. if you're a parent, you sooo know what i mean. the nike slogan, "just do it" applies to the cleaning of rooms.

we've discussed clothes, tattoos, cussing, fairness, spiritual authority doctrine, and music to name a few topics. we're real, open and honest with our kids. i'm fine that my kids occasionally address the "elephant in the room." truth be told, i'm glad they can spot one. i'm also glad that they don't "drink the kool-aid" just because someone told them that it's the submissive, christian thing to do. don't get me wrong, though. we do teach that when we challenge, we must do so with respect. the Bible says to be aware, to be shrewd, to study, to test, to ask. i believe that GOD encourages us to think and to question. i think he loves it when we do. it shows we are working out our salvation and learning to walk what we're talking. he created us to think, to learn, to mature. and i don't think GOD gets angry when we question him. i think he enjoys opening up the dialogue and revealing himself to us.

so the next time someone tells you what to think, think about it. think critically about it. ask questions. seek truth and understanding. know not just what you believe but why you believe it. simply having an opinion doesn't make you rebellious or disrespectful. it does give you power, though, so handle it with care...and probably a little prayer.

reflecting on my first semester

2010-12-05T21:59:00.000-05:00

it feels so good to accomplish something. a few months ago, i took a leap of faith and applied to georgia state university. this past friday, i finished up my first semester of classes. i only have finals, and then i'm done until january. i can hardly believe it.

i used to be afraid to drive in atlanta. now, i do it three days a week or more. i used to be afraid of large schools. now i attend one with over 30,000 students. i used to be insecure and unsure. now i'm inching ever-so-closely to confidence. i experienced so many "firsts" and comfort-stretching situations. and now i'm a better person for having done it. i've learned persistence pays off...if you haven't heard, i FINALLY got awarded the hope scholarship this year!!!

i wanted to get started on my career, but i also wanted to get out of my church bubble and meet new and different people. that's been my favorite part. i'm going to miss the ones i've gotten to know over the past few weeks, but i'm looking forward to making even more friends. i have enjoyed chatting it up with muslims and atheists and people from all over the world. and i thank GOD that he has allowed our paths to cross. i hope i've added as much value to their lives as they've added to mine.

looking forward to new challenges..but first, i have to get through finals week! it's all good, though!

open and honest communication with GOD

2010-11-28T19:14:00.000-05:00

i haven't felt much like blogging lately with all the essays and assignments i've had for school. sorry about that.

i was clearing out some emails this evening, and i came across a blog post from one of my heroes. she goes to therapy. good for her. i've wondered if i should, too, sometimes. trying to heal from my past and deal with junk as it comes becomes a bit of a daunting task at times. anyway, she wrote something that kind of hit me hard...she's decided to be honest in her sessions even if she sounds like a jerk. i love her honesty and real-ness.

i think i've not been so honest with GOD lately in my relationship and in my talks with him. i'm feeling like i'm holding back because i don't want to give him the junk in my life. as i read the blog tonight, i had a thought...how stupid is it to withhold who i really am and what i'm really feeling from the one who knows it all?

so, this week, i'm determined to be more open and honest in my communication with him. as i've said countless times over the years...GOD already knows what's in my heart; he's just waiting for me to be honest with myself. so, GOD...ready or not...here it comes!..even if i sound like a jerk...

what i love about my church

2010-11-21T21:26:00.000-05:00

church should be a place where a person can be himself/herself. a place where the honesty, acceptance, love and real-ness just melts away everything plastic, everything artificial about us. i smile every time i start to walk into my church, avalon church, in mcdonough, georgia.

though everything they do for the service on sunday morning is done with more excellence than i've ever seen at a church before, it's obvious that the sunday morning service is not the sum of all they do at avalon. it's a part of the whole. and it makes me feel good knowing that church there is more than one meeting a week. it's about who we are. we are the church, and worshiping and serving GOD is something we do all the time, not just on sunday mornings or in a small group.

i love that my pastor is not the only preacher (although he's a very good one). i love that outreach is part of the ethos. i love that we can speak frankly, that we can come as we are, that creativity and excellence are what's normal. i love that i'm encouraged to be part of something greater than myself. i love that i'm greeted by people who seem to genuinely love, who are happy to be there, who are happy that i'm there.

i'm proud to say that avalon is my church, and for those who know my struggles with the institution of church, that's a pretty major thing. =)

http://www.avalonchurch.net/ check it out! and come join us!

young people know it all...what a relief!

2010-11-08T15:59:00.000-05:00

i love college. i really do. i love meeting new people. i love being challenged intellectually. it's a great experience. but there are a few things i'm not fond of. for starters, twenty-year-old snots giving me lectures about the "real world" and their idea that somehow they are intellectually superior as well. i've been a stay-at-home mom for years. i'll admit that i don't have much paid work experience, but that doesn't mean i'm stupid. the majority of stay-at-home moms don't have time to sit in front of the tv all day watching soap operas. we volunteer, we manage households, we become experts in time management, we chauffeur children back and forth, we make appointments, we teach our children, we diagnose ailments, we stay up late working on school projects, we organize activities, we create meals, we purchase goods, we work with other moms and groups of people, and much, much more. we may not get paid, but we certainly aren't stupid. well, guess what...this mom has better grades than you! ha!

call me a goody-goody because i value honesty and reliability. in the real world, i get to keep my job and credibility. call me a suck-up (language cleaned up due to young readers) because i'm nice and respectful to others. in the real world, that behavior gets me respected and furthers my career if i'm sincere, which i am. you may think you know it all, but here's the thing. i got married about the time you were born. i think i have a clue about this real world of which you speak. don't worry about me. i'll be just fine. and when you wonder why i have a smile on my face when you're trying to teach me about the real world, it's because i'm laughing at you on the inside and wondering what adults thought of me when i, too, knew it all.

so... what if you're wrong?

2010-11-01T15:01:00.005-04:00

why are we so quick to assume that we are right and everyone else is wrong? why do we act like we have cornered the market on what is true? why do we think our interpretation is the correct one or better yet, the only one? why do we demonize those with differing opinions?

here's a question...

what if we're wrong?

seriously...what if WE are wrong? what if there are many ways to look at a situation? what if what we thought was black and white turns out to be a beautiful shade of gray? what if there are multiple interpretations of the same text? what if those people who have different opinions are not evil, angry people with agendas?

WHAT IF WE LISTENED TO EACH OTHER AND TOOK TIME TO ASK THE QUESTION: COULD I BE WRONG?

according to research by dave kinneman and gabe lyons in unchristian, christians have an image problem. i'm not surprised by this. i've known it for quite some time. outsiders to christianity between the ages of 16 and 29 were asked about their perceptions of christianity and its followers. here's what they found:

91% see christians as anti-homosexual.
87% see christians as judgmental
85% see christians as hypocritical
78% see christians as sheltered (old-fashioned, out of touch with reality)
75% see christians as too political
70% see christians as proselytizers (insensitive to others, not genuiune)

surprised at how we're perceived?

the one i want to concentrate on is the stat about christians being judgmental. it doesn't surprise me. i used to be very judgmental. i was taught to be. it was considered a christian virtue in the legalistic circles in which i operated.

and then one day, i had a moment. perhaps it was my own version of the damascus experience that the apostle paul had. WHAT IF I'M WRONG? my whole perspective changed. i began to question everything. i realized that i had judged people unfairly. i realized that i taken on an attitude that i was somehow superior to others because of what i didn't do, because of what i considered sin. i realized that i didn't hold a monopoly on truth.

i could curse those who believe differently from myself. why not ask questions and learn from them instead?

i could state emphatically that what i believe is correct and that others' interpretations are in error. why not listen to the opinions of others? why not be open to the fact that i could be wrong or that they could have a valid point?

i could demonize others for pointing out that what i've believed all along has fallacies. why not thank them for their courage to challenge the status quo?

here's the point...we need to listen more and judge less. we need to celebrate our diversity. diversity is beautiful. we need to respect each other more. i've heard it almost a million times it seems...people don't care how much we know until they know how much we care. we earn the right to share our opinions when first we've listened and respectfully acknowledged the opinions of others.

so...what if you're wrong?

ugliness is part of the journey

2010-10-23T14:49:00.013-04:00

the butterflies in my stomach began to flutter, and i had this feeling of "oh, crap" come over me. i knew i had to speak up. the leader had asked at least three times if anyone else had something to say. i tried to talk myself out of it, but it was no use. i waited as long as i could. i cleared my throat, swallowed my fear, and began to share my story.

i know how it feels to be hurt, to hate, to feel worthless, to be lonely and depressed, to want to end it all. i've been there. i was broken.

but i'm not broken anymore. and i had something to say.

the discussion was about spiritual healing and wholeness. i am no therapist. i hold no credentials in psychology. but life has taught me well. my heart found comfort that we were discussing such matters. these discussions were way overdue.

for years, i struggled, mostly in silence. i was hurt by organized religion, but because i still worked in it, i "sucked it up" and trudged along. i carried so much emotional baggage that i almost physically ached. one difficult day, i had what i think was an anxiety attack. i knew that something had to change. the stress was becoming overwhelming.

i began to write. i thought i would explode if i kept all these feelings bottled up much longer. i made my journey to wholeness available to anyone who wanted to read by starting a blog, my online journal...journey of hope.

it was an ugly journey. it was long. it was painful. i had good days and bad. sometimes i felt sick like i'd ridden a roller coaster non-stop for hours. and one day, it happened. i erupted. the pain and hurt that i released was incredible...and so very ugly. i let GOD have it. more accurately, i cussed him out. i hated him for everything he allowed to happen to me. he could have struck me down, could have allowed the earth to swallow me up. instead, he quieted my spirit and spoke these words to my heart, "finally. now we can get somewhere."

some people get offended when i share that. that's okay. i know GOD's big enough to handle it. his kindness and mercy that day brought freedom, forgiveness and peace to my life. the ugliness is gone today because GOD was my safe place. he allowed me to hate and be venomous, and he loved me through it.

we need to take off the masks, face the ugliness, and let GOD make something beautiful out of our brokenness. GOD is our safe place. and once we've dealt with the reality that we are broken, we need to be that safe place for others.

i think a lot of us are unprepared for how ugly the journey to wholeness is. but it's time: time for transparency and time for honesty. GOD will be there to pick up the pieces, and he will make something beautiful out of them. we will smile again, a real smile. we won't take others' woundedness so personally because we have dealt with our own. and peace will be ours.

rolling with the punches

2010-10-19T17:06:00.003-04:00

i received news that i got turned down again for the hope scholarship. i do have some interesting circumstances that make my situation unique; however, reason should win out here nonetheless. so, once again i'm moving on up to the next person with hopes that someone who can extend an exemption will understand and grant it to me.

it's very frustrating. can't lie about that. but i'm not altogether bummed.

GOD keeps sending me little bits of encouragement and perspective. he's quite relentless, to be honest.

songs on the radio saying it's going to be all right, blogs that i subscribe to in my inbox talking about rolling with the punches, quotes regarding flexibility. OKAY, GOD, I GET THE MESSAGE! loud and clear! lol!

so, today, GOD's message to me is to roll with it, i'm guessing.

and roll i did. i guess i'm realizing that life is full of setbacks and disappointments, but that doesn't mean GOD's not actively working on my behalf. i have to trust that he's taking care of me and my situation. this i know: i am learning some valuable lessons about dealing with people in frustrating circumstances, and i must be getting better at pleading my case and winning them over. they seem to want to help me now. i have a feeling it will work out like it should. no need to worry about it. i'll keep doing my part. all i can do is the best i can do. i'll leave the rest to GOD. if the money doesn't come by this way, it will come by another. still praying for favor, GOD! =)

gossip destroys

2010-10-16T18:52:00.009-04:00

the cartoon is admittedly a little funny, but gossip is not. gossip destroys. there's just no other way to put it.

most of us have done it, but it's hard to admit to it. i'll start. i'm guilty. i've engaged in it. and i feel bad about it. truth be told, you've most likely at least listened from time to time. be honest. you've probably spoken it as well.

it's never harmless, it seems. some people do it and don't even realize it. sometimes, before we realize it, we're doing it.

we call it venting. we call it concern. we call it a prayer request on occasion (not to say it's wrong to have prayer requests, but we all know when a line is being crossed). we call it lots of things.

we need to stop.

we judge other people for things we consider ungodly sins, yet we participate in our godly sins almost daily.

listening to it is just as bad as speaking it.

it's easy to get involved. it draws us in. we believe it. and even if we don't, it still affects us. we listen, and we're hooked.

you know... we really don't need to know. most of the time, it's none of our business.

i'm sorry for the times i've allowed myself to get sucked in. i think i'm being a friend by being there for someone. i don't want to be rude, so i listen. before i know it, i've added to the conversation. i may tell them to talk to the person about it, but it's already gone too far. or i get upset, and i feel the need to vent...to the wrong person.

and it hurts that some of it's been about me or those i love. and people who i thought were friends listen to the gossip and start acting weird. trust is broken, and chances are, so is a relationship. and it hurts. as much as i don't want to be hurt by gossip, i don't want to hurt others either.

so why do we do it? i think sometimes we engage in gossip because we are...broken ourselves. it's always easier to point the finger at others than ourselves. it's easier to deflect. sometimes we have valid feelings, but it's easier to tell someone else than it is to tell the person we should really be talking to. sometimes it's just a way to pass the time. sometimes we're just nosy. sometimes we're jealous. sometimes we're hurt. sometimes we're angry. i'm sure there are other reasons as well.

but here's the bottom line: gossip destroys. someone always gets hurt.

once it's spoken, you can't take it back.

if we're not part of the solution, we become part of the problem. and if we don't have the ability to bring solution, it's none of our business.

and if someone is talking TO you about someone else, there's a good chance they're talking ABOUT you to someone else.

here's a question: would we want someone else saying this about us or our children? no? then chances are we should just keep it to ourselves. and believe me, i'm stepping on my own toes as much as yours. but i want to be a better person, so it's worth it.

i thought i knew what faith was, but that was before...

2010-10-15T22:48:00.011-04:00

yep. i used to think i had faith, but nothing could've prepared me for this:

this week, my oldest son got his ...

wait for it...

can't believe i'm about to say it...

here it comes...

driver's license!!!

i'm still trying to figure out how i feel about this. i saw images in my mind of this itty-bitty 7 lb baby, a toddler sliding in a puddle of water at the park, a little man holding his dad's hand walking across the wal-mart parking lot...

when did he grow up and start ... (gulp)... DRIVING???

i try to take deep breaths and chill. i've got to let him grow up. the hubby and i have done a good job, i think, of helping our kids become independent.

but then the day comes, and it's like...LIFE, SLOW DOWN! I'M NOT READY YET!

i tell him all the time when he goes out with friends or when he's about to drive,"don't do anything stupid." ...and then i pray. i thought leaving the hospital with my newborn son was scary. looking back, that was nothing. =)

wow! my son is driving. i think i've concluded that you don't know what faith really is until you hand over the keys of your car to your child. that's when faith really kicks in. i'm excited for him. i really am. however, i'm thinking GOD and i will be having many conversations for a while that go a little like this: "keep him safe, and don't let him do anything stupid. amen."

the little "i"

2010-10-11T20:37:00.005-04:00

so far no one has asked, but i feel the need to explain anyway.

what am i talking about? my odd capitalization in my blogs.

it's something i do intentionally. it's a spiritual thing for me.

a few years ago, i read a book called i am not but i know i am by louie giglio. it's an excellent book that i highly recommend. the title is a little play on words. GOD is the "i am" in scripture. that makes all the rest of us "i am nots." louie wanted us to always remember the greatness of GOD, and if ever we decide to get the "big head," we should remember, we are "i am nots," the little ones.

i wanted a reminder of that. soooo, i gave it some thought, and the idea hit me, "why not make everything i write lower-case, except for GOD?"

and it has worked. every time i write, i am reminded of the power and big-ness of GOD, and i am reminded with every little "i" of my little-ness.

so the next time i start thinking i've accomplished something great or that i have become something great, i just write a little bit. and before long, i see that "i" am little and "GOD" is the big guy! i am not, but i know i am...very cool. very cool, indeed.

btw, you can check the book out on amazon.

politics and religion

2010-10-10T23:01:00.004-04:00

everywhere you look, you see political ads. nothing wrong with that, i suppose. there is an upcoming election if you didn't already know.

i got burned out on politics years ago, though. i get criticised for that from time to time, but that's ok. different strokes for different folks. i do take the responsibility of voting seriously. it's a privilege i enjoy and do not take for granted. but politics is not something i enjoy.

one of the things that turned me off to politics a few years back is ...well, the religious community and republicans. before i go further, i should point out that i am part of the religious community, and i do mostly identify with a republican platform. and it's not that i think christians shouldn't care about social and political issues, i just think there needs to be balance.

a few months ago, i asked people on facebook to be nice and respectful towards those with opposing views. i got blasted for it, accused of being a democrat, people tried to convert me over the issue (funny thing, i already agreed with most of what they were trying to convince me of)...

i believe that christianity is not a political movement and that GOD is neither republican nor democrat. sometimes, we confuse spirituality and politics. we sometimes equate the two. but we really shouldn't do that. i read something interesting in the BIBLE tonight. in acts chapter one, we read the words of JESUS: "Do not leave Jerusalem until the Father sends you the gift he promised, as I have told you before. John baptized with water, but in just a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit." we then go on to read what was on the minds of his disciples: "So when the apostles were with Jesus, they kept asking him, 'Lord, has the time come for you to free Israel and restore our kingdom?'"

guess those closest to JESUS made the same mistake we so often make. JESUS spoke of spiritual things, yet his disciples were thinking about political matters. i guess if they can make that mistake, we can just as easily do the same. perhaps i shouldn't be so hard on us when we "go there." not much has changed, i s'pose.

GOD cares about us and our world. don't get me wrong. he does have his hand on governmental matters, but GOD and all that he is about, is so much more than a political issue.

i just think that we need to have perspective and balance. we need to listen more to each other and judge a whole lot less. i've heard people say that there is no way a christian can be a democrat, and yet i know a few. =) they really are out there. i promise. and if we just listen to each other, we may find we're not as far apart as we originally thought.

should christians be involved in social matters? absolutely. should we care about politics? i think so. but everything in moderation. politics does not equal religion. just saying. =)

the voice of truth

2010-10-03T18:05:00.004-04:00

one day...
i'm singing a corny, happy song, and the next, i'm trying hard not to break down and cry.

i have always been sensitive, too much so. i take things too personally. i fear rejection. i'm introspective to a fault. it's not bad to be sensitive. it's normal to not want to be rejected. but seriously, i take it all too far. i realize that. i've worked to change the extreme degree of it, but much to my dismay, i have been unable to change that about myself.

i hear that when you know you haven't done anything, you shouldn't worry about it. that's no consolation to me. i don't know why. it probably has something to do with my being introspective to a fault. when someone is upset with me or mistreats me, the first thing i have always done is wonder, "what did i do? did i say or do something wrong?" maybe that doesn't sound too bad. if more people would ask that of themselves first rather than lash out, maybe the world would be a better place. however, i don't just stop there. whether or not i can identify something, i start playing the tape in my head, "you must have done something. it's your fault. no one likes you."

it's funny how lately GOD has taken many opportunities to have all the christian radio stations at my disposal play the song, "the voice of truth" by casting crowns. i hear it more now than when it was popular and first released. i think he's trying to help me develop a healthier way of dealing with this. for some reason, however, i can't seem to accept that truth.

GOD, don't give up on me. if it's my fault, help me see it and deal with it. if it's not, again...help me see it and deal with it. don't stop telling me words of truth, and help me know when the lies are winning. help me silence them. i could ask you to do it. you probably would. but i want to be a part of the process so that i don't keep ending up here.

what a difference a day makes

2010-10-01T18:24:00.002-04:00

so yesterday, i was struggling, and i prayed for peace. today, i'm walking around with a goofy smile on my face, and ...no joke, i'm singing...

oh what a beautiful morning
oh what a beautiful day
i got a wonderful feeling
everything's going my way

yep, surprises me, too! but when GOD answers prayer, he REALLY answers prayer.

have my circumstances changed? nope. not really.

has my attitude changed? you betcha.

i don't know what it is, but i woke up this morning with the attitude: the best i can do is the best i can do. i can't ask anything more from myself. i know i'm not perfect. i know i'll make mistakes. i know not everyone will like me. but "at the end of the day," if i gave it my best shot, i can be proud of that.

it truly has been a beautiful day. i feel like GOD smiled on me today. and i am beyond blessed.

i'm going to my kids' cross country meet tomorrow, going to enjoy hanging out with my family this weekend, and i'm going to soak in all of GOD's goodness.

vroom vroom! a prayer of desperation!

2010-09-29T14:44:00.004-04:00

if something doesn't change, i'm going to be tempted to run them over with my truck!

now how's that for a prayer of desperation!?!?!

GOD, here's the thing. i know that i can't change the ones who appear to have it out for me. i realize that the only thing i have control over is myself and my attititude...me. and even that's questionable most of the time.

it seems that right about the time things should be settling down, i have a moment where i just want to explode. by now, nothing that is said or done should surprise me. they've done about everything. yet i get to the end of my rope, i've had it, and i can't seem to stop myself from finally taking action.

but i don't want to do that this time. i just know in my heart that you're dealing with this junk, and that i don't have to take care of it myself. i know you will handle it. but that doesn't stop me from really getting angry.

i don't want to be angry. i have a feeling that those who have it out for me got angry and got stuck and that's why they do the things they do. i do not want to be like them. life's too short to be that miserable!

i just don't feel like i have it in my power to forgive right now. you know i can't forget. yeah, i know that forgiveness doesn't make what happened all right...it makes me all right. i should be an expert by now, but i'm not. i have no desire to be nice to them. that's what got me into trouble to begin with...on each account going on right now. i still don't get it. i still don't understand. but i'm tired of always asking why. i'm thinking ignorance just might be...bliss.

i'm pretty agitated. i could really use some peace right now, the confidence that comes with knowing you have it all under control and that you've got my back.

so, help me with changing my heart and attitude. keep all this junk minimized. i do see it spreading, and it pains me to know there's no good way for me to stop it. people just don't fight fair. i don't like how it has affected other areas of my life or other relationships. i don't know why they have it out for me. maybe you can work out a change of heart for them, too. help me learn to love and forgive them. help me learn to pray for them. help me learn to let go. help me learn to move on. and i'll be good...no demolition derby for me!

keeping my eyes on the goal

2010-09-21T22:08:00.004-04:00

i have truly been loving school, but i have to admit these last 2 days of classes have been kicking my butt. add to that, my financial aid woes are starting to get me down. still praying about that.

one of my professors calls this "fall fever." i call it my "what was i thinking" phase. i know this, too, shall pass. i'm just feeling a little overwhelmed right now as i am studying for tests and starting to write papers.

i knew there would come a time when the new-ness of school would wear off. i knew it would get tough.

and since i knew these times would come, i tried to prepare...

i see myself walking across the stage to receive that paper for which i've long labored. i see myself depositing that first paycheck and taking my family shopping and buying them everything i haven't been able to afford these last few years. i look forward to the day when i can say "yes, you can have that. we have the money for it now." and i can't wait to save a little of each check to give to those in need, especially those in ministry. and so far, those thoughts are getting me through.

it's easy to think that i'm behind the game since i've been out of school for so long. and it's easy to get overwhelmed by those thoughts. but then i look around and see that i'm not the only one not getting a concept. i'm not the only one that looks lost or confused. there are others. and i take comfort in knowing i'm not alone. not to mention, i know i'm smart enough and determined enough to get through this.

so i'm trying to keep focused on the big picture, on the future that awaits me, and not get bogged down in the details.

the way i figure it...it's kind of like the story of peter walking on the water to JESUS. like peter, i got out of the boat. i know there's a storm. and i have a choice: i can keep my eyes on JESUS, where my destination lies or i can get overwhelmed by the storm. i'm trying to keep my eyes focused on my goal, but i do know that if i start to sink, i can count on JESUS to rescue me.

throwing christians to the lions?

2010-09-12T18:12:00.008-04:00

"if you send your kids to a secular college, you are throwing them to the lions." -anonymous

i cringed when i heard this.

i fully intend to research the topic of college students losing their faith and dropping out of church due to attending non-christian colleges. my initial research is quite interesting and contradictory at times. i can't wait to really delve into this. ...should be interesting.

in the meantime, however...

what bothers me at first glance is the assumption that the world is a horrible and hostile place. i've been praying for some time that GOD would help me get out of my christian bubble, and that i could see the world through his eyes. going back to a large urban school, i am definitely outside the bubble...and i love it! yes, there are at times anti-christian sentiments and ideas presented, i hear cursing a little more than i do in christian circles, i sit in classes with people who live alternative lifestyles. once again...i have to say...i love it! i'm not afraid of that world. it's not a horrible and hostile environment. it's a rich environment in which to share GOD's love and light. i'm not preachy. in fact, i've yet to share that i'm a christian with anyone. i smile, i talk to people, i listen, i walk to class with them, i encourage them, i thank them when they help me with something, i ask them about their plans and families, etc. just recently, i met up with someone that appeared to be involved in some alternative lifestyle. she immediately lashed out as if to hurt me before i could hurt her. i didn't let it phase me. instead, i treated her with respect, and by the end of our conversation, i think i opened the door for friendship. you see, i think she expected to be mistreated. but i know something that she may not...GOD loves her. and if i want to share GOD with her, i need to be a safe place for her just as GOD is a safe place for me. we're all afraid of the world being a hostile place. but i don't need to fear. GOD is with me. and i can share his light and peace with others.

i think a lot of our judgments about public schools being bad is rooted in a lack of faith. this has nothing to do with my research, just some observations. when we say things like "our kids will drop out of church if they go somewhere other than a christian college," i think we downplay the power of GOD. if we really believe in GOD, i think we have to believe in his power to overcome the world. i guess when i hear that we're throwing our kids to the lions, i hear "the faith that my kids have is weak. they won't make it." that's fear. that's lack of faith. but maybe we have a point there.

let me explain...

in our christian bubble, we tend to tell people what to think. this is right. this is wrong. do this. christians don't do that. but we forget something really important...WHY! why do we believe this? why do we do that? and if our response is...because the bible says so...that's a copout. we need to know what the bible says, but even deeper...why does the bible say that? does it really even say it? my philosophy...question everything. know what you believe and why you believe it. if you search for truth, you will find it. i believe in GOD, but i didn't take someone else's word for it. i questioned his existence as well. i searched and i found. and GOD seemed fine with that. i don't believe GOD is afraid of our questions. i think he relishes them.

i think we are not to fear the world. i think we should see the beauty and opportunity. the beauty is that GOD created each person and loves each and every one, and we have the opportunity to share love and light where there is little or none. i think we need to search for truth. i think we need to ask the hard questions. i think we need to hear what others believe. i think we need to spend time with people who are different from us. i think we need to learn to respect diversity. i think we need to say with our actions and attitudes more than our words that we love and follow after CHRIST. i think that when we do, we will be given the opportunity to speak the words that can bring salvation and hope to the world in which we live.

now, these are just my opinions, but i think they're pretty darn good ones. i know from experience that not everyone who goes to a christian college is a christian. i also know that not everyone who goes to a secular college is going to fall away from the faith. i'm saying let's think about this and have a little perspective.

the next psalm

2010-09-08T09:46:00.005-04:00

a psalm (of hope)...

GOD, i know you know all things
you know people inside out
you know their motives
you know what makes them do what they do

why is it that some people don't have to play by the rules?
why is it that they can say and do whatever they want?
where is your justice?
where are you when the brokenhearted needs you?

don't let those who cause me harm win

don't let them get away with this

call them out

expose their evil deeds

they smile to my face

yet they set a trap for me

they lie about me behind my back

and pretend to be innocent

i wish you'd fix this

make what was broken whole again
make what is wrong right again
restore what's been lost and taken

you have the power to heal
you have the power to restore
you can set all things right again
you can make things better than before

GOD, hear my cry
listen to my plea
restore my place
restore my reputation

you are a just GOD
merciful and understanding
you value integrity
you honor what is right

so do your thing, GOD
do what is right in your eyes
bring honor to your name
bring glory to this situation

prayer is an ongoing relationship

2010-09-05T20:12:00.003-04:00

we started a new series at avalon church this morning called unspoken. pastor ritchie did an incredible job spelling out what prayer is and what it is not. it was a great service. i am so glad i was there.

we tend to treat prayer like it's a christmas list for GOD to fill, but there's so much more to prayer than that. prayer is not just a time for asking for stuff. and it's not just to be done when there's an emergency. prayer is about an ongoing relationship with GOD.

pastor ritchie said something today that stuck with me. he said that we talk to those we love, those we want to have a relationship with. we don't talk to those we don't love.

for me, that's true. i love my husband. i talk to him a lot throughout the day. when we can't talk, i text him. when i can do neither, i still think about him and when i'll get to see him next. those i don't like, those that i don't want to have a relationship with, i don't talk to. and honestly, i don't want them talking to me either. i prefer to be left alone.

i guess if you talk to those you love, then i must love GOD a whole lot. i talk to him almost constantly. we have little conversations throughout the day. i never feel alone...honest. i know that at any time during the day or night, i can continue my talk with GOD. and it's not just me doing all the talking. he speaks to me, too. sometimes he uses people. sometimes he uses objects. sometimes he uses that still, small voice and guides my conscience. i love the way he speaks to me, and i do feel loved...even when he's telling me something i don't want to hear. he's my safe place, and i know that he cares deeply for me and wants what's best for me.

oh yeah...

one thing i always try to do is remember to tell GOD, "thank you." just thought i'd throw that in since we so often forget to do that. i know i used to. i just assumed he knew, but even GOD desires to hear that from time to time.

keep away from the small people

2010-09-04T20:31:00.004-04:00

Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great ones make you feel that you, too, can become great. -- Mark Twain

with my long commute to atlanta 3 times a week for school, i have a lot of time to think, reflect and process. i have really enjoyed my time singing and listening to music, chatting it up with GOD, working through issues, translating everything i think and hear on the radio into spanish, and basking in the silence when i'm finally tired of hearing traffic updates that tell me my commute will last just a little bit longer than i would like.

i catch myself smiling a lot and dreaming about my future, too. these past few weeks have been great. and i'm grateful for how good GOD has been to me.

but these last few weeks haven't come without some challenges. isn't it "funny" how right as you embark on a great journey, something happens and someone attempts to bring you down? well, funny is not the right word. i could offer a few alternatives, but i'll be nice and refrain. =)

there are people who don't want to do what it takes to be successful. that's their prerogative. but what does that have to do with me? why is it so important that they drag me down with them? what's worse is when they make it their goal to destroy you. misery loves company, i guess. i feel sorry for them on some level because i believe that hurting people hurt people. i wonder what causes them to be so spiteful and vengeful. but then, i think we all have choices. they don't have to wallow in the muck of life. they can choose to get help, to work on themselves, to strive for wholeness, to learn to forgive. that's what i've spent years doing. i chose to have a better life. it hasn't been easy, but i'm doing it.

life's too short to be this dang miserable!

i confess that i haven't always been encouraging to others. i haven't always given lift to their dreams and aspirations. i regret that.

these last few years, though, i have tried really hard to change that. and it is my desire that people live their dreams. it is my desire that i live my dreams. i want others to feel like they can be great. the success of others has no bearing on whether or not i'm a successful or good person. and my success doesn't mean someone else is inferior in some way. we all have our own paths to follow.

so i pray for the favor of GOD, not just for me but also for others who aspire to be more. i pray for focus, that we will stay on the right path and not be distracted. and i pray for selective hearing, so we can listen to what is encouraging and block out the negativity from the nay-sayers.

i will be safe in his arms

2010-08-31T22:04:00.006-04:00

i was thinking yesterday about how far i've come in the last couple of years. i've carried much baggage over the last decade, and it's not been easy lugging it around. so i decided something had to change. i had to deal with that baggage and begin to rid myself of it.

that's been so hard at times. i cried. i screamed. i ached. i cursed. i threw things. i walked. i wrote. i prayed. i got numb. i accepted. i forgave. i let go. i smiled. i laughed. i experienced peace...finally!

these past couple of weeks have been challenging, as once again, i faced rejection and pain. however, i noticed something different in myself. i didn't have past baggage weighing my present down. it was gone. the hurts from the past weren't around to influence my thinking and my emotional state of being. i didn't relive the past. instead, i dealt with my present. and now i can move on to a blessed and wonderful future.

my favorite song right now is "safe" by phil wickham (check out the link below). "the hands that hold the world are holding your heart." i cry every time i read or hear those lyrics. others don't always take care of our hearts. heck, we don't always take care of our hearts. but GOD, who holds the world, takes care of my heart. he won't betray it, smash it, break it, throw it away. he knows its worth. he knows its value. my heart is precious to him. and he loves me so much that he holds my heart and cares for it when i and others don't.

today, i will be safe in his arms. the hands that hold the world are holding my heart. what a beautiful thought. hmmmm...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6c3CYdqTG8

obstacles are my life

2010-08-22T21:49:00.005-04:00

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ~Fr. Alfred D'Souza

i was looking for a different quote when i came across this one. perfect. exactly what i've been thinking lately. i was feeling the same way...how life was about to begin, and then an obstacle appeared. but then i realized obstacles ARE life. and if life were free from obstacles how boring it would be. it's the wrinkles in life that give it character. it's the wrinkles in life that give US character.

now, drama, i can do without. but i'm learning that when life throws you a curve, you don't have to back out of the batter's box for fear you'll get hit. sometimes, you just need to stay in the box, face it and swing. sometimes, you strike out. sometimes, you hit the ball out of the park. it's all part of the game. it's all part of life.

motherly advice

2010-08-17T21:06:00.005-04:00

i was blessed a number of years ago to get to know a state senator's wife. we attended church together, and i loved how friendly and down to earth she was. so when i got the opportunity to spend some time with her, i jumped at it. we spent a few hours together that day at the state capital for a right to life march, went by the university to say hello to her son, and went out for lunch.

we talked a lot about family that day. i was pregnant and very willing to hear whatever wisdom she offered. and years later, she still impacts me as a mom. my season of motherhood was just beginning. she was approaching the empty nest season. i soaked in everything she told me that day like a sponge.

she told me that life flies by way too quickly. enjoy each moment. enjoy my children.

and here's the best advice i got that day...something i kept tucked away for the right time. when her sons reached high school, she read everything she could on empty nest syndrome, so that when the time came, both she and her children were ready.

yes, she cried as they left her nest, but it was sweet. she didn't let it sneak up on her. in preparing, she learned to cherish the short time that was left. no regrets. her children were ready for the adventures that lay ahead, and she was prepared to let them fly.

and that's where i find myself. who knew those years would pass so quickly. one day, the labor and delivery nurse was handing me my firstborn all wrapped up snugly in a blanket. and now that baby is almost 17 years old and a junior in highschool. and he has 3 younger siblings that will leave the nest soon after he does.

i cherish our moments. i love my children and their friends, who feel like my own...like taylor fletcher and leyah brown (see, i wrote about you!!!) i'm grateful for the time i have with them all. i'm excited about their futures. they mean the world to me. this is such an exciting time for them, and i'm blessed to be able to share it with them...and that goes for taylor and leyah and all my kids at gca and gchs!

i consider that day with my friend to be one of those "GOD moments" in life. i had no idea how that bit of wisdom would impact me years later. i'm grateful for that yesterday, i'm even more grateful for my today, and i'm filled with anticipation for the future. life is good. =)

forgiving mistakes

2010-08-17T12:04:00.007-04:00

trying to take some of my own advice today.

a couple of days ago, i heard a sermon on perspective, and i jotted down some notes and personal applications.

don't take everyone so personally, including myself. sometimes we say and do hurtful things to other people, and it's not because of anything they have done. it's because of what's wrong or what's missing in our own lives. people make mistakes. sometimes, they make them intentionally. but either way, mistakes are made.

i have worked really hard to forgive and heal this past year. it hasn't been easy. and i'm not "there" yet, but i have really come a long way.

when someone hurts us, it's easy to demonize them. but rather than do that, i've been trying to tell myself that hurting people hurt people. when someone attacks me personally, it's not always because i did something to deserve it. sometimes it's because they are hurting on the inside or they feel they are lacking something. we tend to lash out at others rather than deal with the junk in our lives. it seems easier at the time. in the long run, however, it just adds to our problems.

so today, i'm faced with a situation that requires forgiveness and understanding. i'd like to share a facebook status i read a few days ago. the young lady who wrote it has no idea how GOD has used her and her comment, but i do.

"i don't forgive people because i'm weak. i forgive people because i'm strong enough to know people make mistakes."

i hope i can follow through on that. i hope i'm being strong today.

to move forward, you need to face your past

2010-08-14T20:54:00.006-04:00

i've heard many times over to always look ahead and never look back, but sometimes in order to move forward, you need to face your past.

today, i revisited some difficult times from my own past. some memories brought tears to my eyes, but the visit resulted in some good, healthy emotions.

i'm ready to move forward with my life, and many of those experiences have prepared me for my future. if i hadn't gone through what i did, i'm not sure i would have ended up where i am now. as difficult as they were, i think i'm grateful...grateful for who i am as a result of those experiences. or at least grateful they are part of my past and not my present.

i have always tried to hold on to what was good in every bad situation, but now i have plans to turn what was bad into something good.

and today i am at peace with my past. i'm content to let it remain where it is. but i have to say that i am amazed to see where i was in comparison to where i am now. only by the grace of GOD, i s'pose i should say. yeah, only by the grace of GOD.

the year was 1974...how did 2010 get here so fast?

2010-08-06T01:20:00.006-04:00

over-sized collars, polyester, harvest gold and avocado green, high inflation, datsun, watergate, oil crisis, the exorcist, abba, the six million dollar man, kung fu...

and then there's me. arguably one of the best things to come out of the 70's. lol! at least my husband thinks so...or rather he'd better!

i remember turning 6 years old and wishing i could hurry up and grow up.

i blinked, and i was a teenager in love not so patiently awaiting the day i could marry my sweetheart (btw, we will celebrate our wedding anniversary on august 10th...the best 19 years of david's life...for sure!).

then i couldn't wait to have a baby. all of a sudden, i had 4, and i longed for the day i would have all my children out of diapers. i had 3 of them in diapers at the same time, and i hadn't slept in years. oh, that my kids were older so they'd sleep through the night.

i blinked again, and all my kids were in school everyday.

and this morning, i woke up to find that my firstborn is a junior in highschool and is driving, and the baby of the family is playing jv volleyball. and my middle children are already making plans for college and career. and my hubby is talking retirement. whaaat?

where did the time go? why does it have to pass so quickly?

i'm 36 today, and in some ways, i feel i'm starting over. in a few weeks, i'll go back to school to finish up a bachelor of arts degree and embark on a new career. i've loved being at home with my kids and watching them grow up. i think this is the coolest time of my life. i love talking with my kids about their future plans and what we're going to do when i graduate and start making big bucks and what kind of wedding they want to have and all that good stuff.

life is good.

but i wish it would slow down...at least a little. i feel like i've spent most of my life wishing it away. and now that a good portion of it has passed by, i'm wishing i had some of it back.

it's taken some time, but i'm learning to be present. i read a quote years ago that said, "wherever you are, be there." and that's what i'm trying to do...enjoy the present and be attentive. no more wishing away life. i have my memories, and i have my moment right now.

even as i write, precious seconds tick away. i can't get a single one back.

my gift to myself this year...to live in the present. to be where i am. to enjoy everyday and make the most of it. to laugh more. to stress less. to encourage others more. to challenge myself. to hug my kids more. to have more dates with my hubby. to not take life too seriously.

life is good, and life is short. my first 36 years have been rough at times, but hopefully i've learned enough that i will be sure to enjoy and make the most of the next 36.

today's my birthday, and you know what i asked for? nothing out of the ordinary. just another day in the life...and perhaps a nice dessert because GOD knows as do my bathroom scales that i have a love affair with sugar... =)

learning to trust again

2010-08-04T19:16:00.006-04:00

it's hard to trust after you've been beaten up by organized religion. where it gets sticky is that you don't want to punish the new people in your life, but you don't want to let your guard down for fear your heart and spirit will get trampled...again. that hurts, and healing comes slowly. at some point, you think you're in a safe place, yet the whole time you're bracing yourself for the fall when the rug gets pulled out from under you. you want to serve and love unconditionally, but how do you know you can really trust? do you dare let down your guard, even just a little?

forgiveness is a key ingredient in learning to trust again...at least for me. even more basic is honesty, and i can say with great confidence that honesty can be very, very ugly. here's the thing...you can't forgive until you can be honest. honest about your real feelings. honest about your situation. honest with yourself. honest with GOD. it's always hard for me to begin my journey towards forgiveness, but i always remind myself that forgiveness doesn't make what happened ok; forgiveness makes me ok. forgiveness comes easy compared to trust. and just because i forgive, it doesn't mean i have to put myself back into a toxic situation. it's ok to love from a distance. the goal is restoration, but you must use wisdom. some relationships are for a season. some can be salvaged and can even thrive. just make sure that whatever you do, you have some nice, long talks with GOD about them.

allow yourself time to grieve. you lost something very important. more likely, you've lost a few things like relationships, confidence, a job, security, happiness in addition to trust. grieving isn't only reserved for the death of a loved one. we grieve when we experience loss. don't rush this, but don't get stuck here either.

talk to a friend or mentor you know you can trust. lean on them. let them help you. don't go through this alone. we need each other. or talk to a counselor. we all need to process life's events. needing others is not a sign of weakness. you make yourself available to others. keep in mind that others want to be there for you, too.

get back out there. after you've given yourself some time, ease on out again. you don't have to jump in all at once. take your time. get some good experiences under your belt. and start loosening the grip on your heart. i have found that when i try to guard my heart, i make it hard. but when i give my heart back to GOD, he guards it in such a way as to keep it soft and loving.

take down the signs...women in ministry

2010-07-27T21:13:00.012-04:00

I've been researching the treatment of women during biblical times. Here are my thoughts on what I've found so far.

Gender bias is still widely accepted and remains unacknowledged in many churches and denominations.

Back at the beginning of time, GOD created humankind. Male and female he created them…in his own image. Men and women are different, yet both are made in the image of GOD. Allow me to stereotype for a moment so as to make a point. We tend to think of men as being rock-solid, thinkers, strong, decision-makers. Women are thought to be softer, emotional, intuitive, nurturers. All of these are characteristics of GOD. When we fill our ministry positions with only one sex, we almost completely miss out on half of who GOD really is. We handicap ourselves. GOD, I dare say, has both masculine and feminine aspects to his character.

During the time of Jesus, women were allowed to enter the temple and observe worship but only up to a certain point, and they were not to actively participate in worship.

I don't know this from my research, but I imagine that perhaps there were signs posted in strategic places in the temple that let women know where they were allowed and where they were not and what was acceptable.

Jesus made it a point to challenge those limitations placed on women. He disregarded the signs in his ministry.

Take the account of Mary and Martha in Luke 10:38-42. During this time, Jewish women were expected to be hospitable, but the teaching of women was considered taboo. Women were considered on the same level as children and slaves.

Granted, I'm taking a little artistic license with my re-telling of this story. But just hear me out.

Jesus goes to the home of Mary and Martha. While Jesus is in the living room speaking and teaching his disciples, Martha is where she is expected to be…in the kitchen preparing food for those in her home. She notices that yet again Mary has sneaked out and is now sitting at Jesus’ feet. Mary knew better than that. People who sat at the feet of a teacher were considered disciples. That was not a role befitting a woman. What was Mary thinking?

In my opinion, Martha has been scrutinized and misunderstood over the years. (I was told a few months ago that she was not much more than a nag. I have to respectfully disagree.) Martha was doing what any good, godly woman would do. Hospitality was a role she considered as her godly duty (Let me interject that it is very noble, but women are not limited to just this gift). How presumptuous of Mary to place herself on the same level as the men! A disciple. Really?

So, naturally, Martha asks Jesus to intervene and tell Mary that she needed to do her expected duty just as she, herself, was doing. When Jesus rebuked Martha, I believe it was not a negative thing. I don’t think he was chastising her about being a busybody or a nag. I think his heart was breaking. Martha had a self-imposed sign in her own home and heart. She was settling for the status quo, the widely accepted belief that women didn’t have the capacity to learn and grow. Jesus wanted her to know that she was valuable, worthy and able. After all, he was there when she was created. He knew she had the capacity to be so much more than what society dictated to her. He formed her brain, her heart, her soul, her body. He, more than anyone else, knew that she could be so much more. And he wanted her to know it, too.

Mary ignored the oppressive, restrictive sign. She understood that with Jesus, signs like those were non-existent. *Jesus spoke to women, he spoke highly about them, he looked at women, he taught women, he released women to minister, he invited women into his inner circle, he allowed women to touch and talk to him. He broke rules that held women back. He was revolutionary. He refused to make signs that put out of reach the good news to women, that excluded women from learning, from worship, from ministry.

And here's where it gets personal...

Imagine walking into your church this week and seeing a sign that reads, “no women past the third row from the back.” No one would dare to do that, yet I challenge you to take a closer look at your ministries and your vocabulary.

Do you have some ministries for which you don’t consider a woman when filling positions? Like ushers, parking lot attendants, greeters, deacons or elders?
Do you not hesitate to let women speak to women’s groups or Sunday school classes or children's ministries yet you haven’t had a woman preach from the pulpit...and on a Sunday?
When assigning titles to people, do women regularly get “leader”, “director”, “worker” and “coordinator” while men get “pastor” or “minister”?

Women can be teachers, mentors, ministers, prominent business people, presidents, pastors, denominational leaders, and much, much more.

If you have such signs in your church, I challenge you pastors and leaders to take them down.It doesn’t matter how they got there or who put them there whether it be men OR women. As in the account of Martha, she imposed those limitations on, not only herself, but on other women as well. And I ask you not to do it quietly either. Educate the women and men of your church and your denomination. Be intentional. They need to understand.

And follow the example of Jesus who acknowledged the value of women, who encouraged women and showed them their worth. Help them see their potential. Sometimes we women are so busy nurturing others that we neglect to see our own beauty and talent and potential. Take the time to appreciate beauty in all people. Take time to develop and nurture the talents and abilities in both men and women. It's not about one sex over the other. It's about reconciliation and working together and respecting each other and sharing the good news.

And remember this the next time you find yourself needing to fill a ministry position:

“There is only one calling. Not one for men and another for women.” –Vonette Bright.

Take down those signs. Take 'em down.

*see John 4, Luke 18, Luke 8 for additional reading.

live intentionally

2010-07-24T06:23:00.004-04:00

Life is an arrow – therefore you must know
What mark to aim at, how to use the bow –
Then draw it to the head and let it go!
- Henry Van Dyke

our reality? life is short.

i was hit with that reminder this week with the passing of a friend. and after the initial shock began to wear off, i found myself reflecting on the thought that if i want to live a life of no regrets, i must live intentionally.

i remember being told during my childhood things like..."your room won't clean itself" and "that paper won't write itself." a clean room and a class assignment required effort on my part in order to reach completion. the same applies to a full life. it won't happen unless i decide to do something about it.

people don't know we love them unless we take the time to communicate that to them. relationships don't flourish unless we cultivate them. fences don't get mended unless we tend to them.

phone calls don't get made unless we pick up the phone and dial the number. books never get written if we don't write the first sentence. masterpieces never get painted until we pick up the brush. marathon's don't get run if we never train.

here's the thing...if you don't live YOUR life intentionally, other things and other people will live your life FOR you.

don't let that happen.

here's a thought for reflection: imagine yourself coming to the end of your life. what do you want to have accomplished? what relationships do you want to have intact? what do you want to see when your life flashes before you? now take the steps today that will give you that life. start today. live intentionally.

a few words about wendi

2010-07-20T23:17:00.003-04:00

from my heart, i just wanted to say a few words about a beautiful person that passed on this week. her name is wendi stinchcomb steger.

there are others who were much closer to her than i, but she meant a lot to me, too. and i feel it appropriate and necessary to say a few words in her memory.

i knew wendi when we were just kids. my mom told me that we used to go by and pick her and her sister up for church sometimes. she was a little over a year older, and i kind of looked up to her because of that. at our ages back then, one year was a big deal. of course, i would have never let her know that then.

we lost touch for a few years, but i never forgot her. she's one of those people you always remember. we reconnected briefly as teens. that's when i realized how beautiful she was both inside and out and what a sweet spirit she had. i've read a lot today how everyone knows her for her beautiful green eyes, but i remember her for her warm and welcoming smile.

once again, we drifted apart. but thanks to facebook, we were able to reconnect as 30-somethings. i was excited to catch up and renew our friendship. i gave her a hard time about her relationship with her husband jeremy. she was always telling someone she loved them. usually it was jeremy. and usually located right under her statement of love for him was a comment reciprocating that love. i actually began to look forward to seeing that daily exchange. it made me smile.

even if you didn't know wendi that well, it was pretty obvious that family was very much important to her. she was pregnant with who everyone thought was baby girl lanie. turns out it was baby boy eli. =) and many updates came about that little one and all their preparations for him.

wendi was always posting some funny incident in the steger home. i think the last conversation we had was over a status update about jeremy getting stuck in the dryer. he was trying to help his pregnant wife by doing the laundry. they were always doing sweet things for each other. what a shame she didn't have the camera ready. i almost fell out of the chair laughing as i read about the incident.

i will cherish wendi's last few months. i was inspired by her zest for life and her love for others. had i known that she wouldn't be with us much longer, i would have taken the time to tell her that i had been inspired by all her silly little updates. i started telling those closest to me how much i love them more often. i smiled a little more, probably mostly due to reading her status updates. and i remembered to stop and celebrate life. i was constantly looking for updates about her pregnancy.

the world lost a wonderful person, and heaven shines a little brighter.

eli, we never got to know you, but you were one very loved little boy. and your momma was incredible.

wendi, you will be missed. and i won't stop letting others know that i love and adore them. we've drifted apart again, but we'll reconnect someday. we always have. and i look forward to that, but until then, i plan to honor your memory by cherishing life and love.

wendi stinchcomb steger
december 12, 1973- july 19, 2010

do decisions ever get easier?

2010-07-17T12:17:00.004-04:00

i've seen and heard that question a lot this week. truth be told, i've been wondering that myself.

i grew up being taught everything is black and white, right and wrong. no gray. no in-between. life is fair. the good guys eventually win. what goes around comes around.

and then i grew up and found life was...well... a little more complicated.

here's what i've learned. it's easy to make a judgment on an issue. but it's harder to make a judgment when that issue becomes a person with a face and a heartbeat. black and white wash into gray.

here's what i've learned. it rains on the just and the unjust. sometimes life is hard and unfair even when you say and do all the right things. sometimes those who don't follow the rules win. disillusionment becomes the word of the day.

here's what i've learned. what may be wrong for one person may not be wrong for another, and what may be right for one person may not be right for another. personal convictions are not the same for all across the board. they are...personal. and while i'm at it, christianity is not a political party. GOD is not a republican, nor is he a democrat. and we are all entitled to think for ourselves. the line between right and wrong becomes blurred.

i've wondered recently about some of my decisions and personal convictions. i wish life were more concrete, but the beauty of life is that it's more fluid than that.

i don't know sometimes if i'm right or if i'm wrong, but when faced with a judgment call, i now remember every issue has a face. not everything works out as i think it should because at the end of the day, life isn't only about being fair. and GOD loves diversity, and that's why we're all unique with unique perspectives.

i'm learning that if i must decide, decide with selflessness. if i must act, act with integrity. if i must err, err on the side of mercy.

i won't always make the right decisions, but i hope my heart's always in the right place.

how to make GOD laugh

2010-07-15T17:34:00.007-04:00

Like Billy Mann's song, "if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."

that's what a friend told me when i told him about the direction GOD seems to be taking us these days. i was making my plans, and i was pretty sure GOD understood them. then he goes and throws a wrench into some of those plans. i swear i think i heard him chuckle! =)

GOD does indeed work in mysterious ways, and just when you think you have everything perfectly planned out, GOD starts changing your heart and mind.

now i don't know for sure what GOD's plans are (notice this time i said GOD's plans rather than my plans), but i'm starting to get an inkling. i have the sneaking suspicion that i'm going to be ok with these plans. i guess we'll see.

sometimes i think GOD really gets a kick out of me. i wonder if he ever falls off his throne laughing. after some of the things i've said and done, i wouldn't be at all surprised! =)

does GOD care?

2010-07-13T09:48:00.009-04:00

Has there ever been a season in your life when you looked at your circumstances and wondered if GOD really cared?

plan b
pete wilson
chapter 1: reality

yep. in fact, that's happened on a few occasions. there have been times when it seemed no matter what i did or said, i couldn't find him. i'd cry out only to be met with silence.

at other times, i felt him as if he were sitting right next to me. it's as if i could feel his breath. but even with him right there, my circumstances didn't change. these times were probably harder than the times of silence. more than once, i would scream out, "don't you care? you see what's going on. you could stop this if you wanted to. why don't you want to?"

i grew up being taught that you don't question GOD. you just accept without question whatever comes your way. however, as i read my BIBLE, i came across scriptures like...

James 4:2...you do not have, because you do not ask.
matthew 7:7...ask and GOD will give to you. search and you will find...

i wanted answers.

when i began asking and searching, GOD started showing me things. i still have some unanswered questions. some questions took days, weeks, months, even years to be answered. i've even forgotten some of my questions until GOD reminded me of them by answering them.

GOD is big enough to handle our doubts, fears, questions, anger. and the very fact that he hasn't mowed me down with lightning after some of the conversations we've had may be proof enough that he cares. whether or not he answers my questions, he always manages to let me know he hasn't forgotten about me. little reminders of his love just seem to pop up at just the right time.

i know how it feels to think GOD doesn't care, but after all our time together, i can't deny his faithfulness or patience or gentleness in my life. and our past history together keeps me going during the tough times.

reflections on plan b

2010-07-12T14:44:00.005-04:00

i started reading a book this past week called plan b: what do you do when GOD doesn't show up the way you thought he would? by pete wilson.

i'm only in chapter 2, but already, i'm being affected.

i used to think i had life figured out, that GOD's plans for my life were the plans that i had laid.

and then...BAM! life got turned upside down. life wasn't fair. GOD wasn't fair. i didn't know how to handle that. my plan A went right out the proverbial window. i wasn't sure there was even a plan B.

it has taken me years to learn trust and acceptance and faith. i still don't have it all together. even as i write, my plan A is being shaken up. i have to just shake my head and laugh this time as GOD shows up completely different than i imagined he would. well...on to plan B...again.

i LOVE a book that gives discussion questions/study guides so that i can dig a little deeper. and this book has that. good goin', pete!

so... i guess i have a number of blog topics for a while.

for anyone reading this, i encourage you to answer those questions for yourself...and while you're at it, you might as well grab the book. looks like it's a good one thus far!

i have more to offer than i thought...go figure

2010-07-07T20:02:00.007-04:00

a while back, i made the decision to go back to school to pursue a career in public relations. i start in august. guess what i found out?!?

businesses pay BIG BUCKS for stuff i've done for free in churches for years!

i've developed and led ministries, systems and teams, worked to integrate people into churches aka assimilation, assisted and coordinated summer camps, trained leaders, produced children's musicals, worked up outreach plans and radio church ads, worked with revitalization teams. i've worked in various ministries including children, youth, adult, music, hospitality, small groups, and i've assisted my husband with his responsibilities and goals. and with the exception of about a year's time, i've done it on a volunteer basis. ...and i did it with 4 kids and all that comes with being a wife and mom.

i'm not trying to toot my own horn. honest!

here i was thinking that i have zero experience and nothing to offer the world. i think i may have been wrong about that.

what got me thinking about this?

i read an article about stay-at-home parents and job experience and resumes and all that good stuff. there are others who have the same feelings and insecurities as i. we have a lot more to offer than we knew. contrary to what i thought, i have been honing those skills needed for public relations for years.

that suprised me and put a smile on my face.

i'm feeling just a wee bit smarter... and experienced!

and if anyone else is reading this...perhaps you know this feeling. perhaps you feel like you don't have much to offer. my guess is that you're more valuable than you realize.

perfect love dispels fear

2010-07-05T11:53:00.005-04:00

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. --1 John 4:18 (NLT)

i have to admit something. though i've been trying for so long to deny it, i just can't get around this anymore. i am afraid of church. i'm also afraid of anyone who talks about church or speaks christianese.

i fear being hurt, being judged, being guilted into throwing myself into the busy-ness of churchwork.

i don't fear GOD. i mean, i do, but not in the same way. i have that healthy fear and awe of GOD being a just and all-encompassing high being and creator of the universe. but i'm not afraid to carry on a conversation with him and reveal my innermost thoughts and shortcomings. i trust him enough to expose my heart to him. that has not come easy. it has been a long journey, but i do trust him. i believe in him.

GOD is LOVE. love expels all fear. yet i fear a lot. most people don't realize the extent of my fear.

GOD knows. we talk about it. and when we talk, i'm not afraid. i know he won't take my heart that i entrusted to him, throw it on the ground and stomp all over it.

i long for the day when i can open up my heart to people again, especially those of the christian ilk. perfect love casts out fear. there is shortage of perfect love.

i don't like guarding my heart. i hate the disconnect. it makes me cold and self-preserving.

GOD, show me how to love. show me how to accept love. make evident that perfect love that dispels fear. remove the fear that keeps me from living life to its fullest, that keeps me from loving, that keeps me from being loved. continue to heal my heart and make it strong. i trust you to do that. i trust you with my heart.

getting rid of the clutter

2010-06-28T14:28:00.005-04:00

while on vacation this past week, i realized something. we lived a whole week with a whole lot less...possessions, that is. i decided when i got home, i would start down-sizing.

do i really need all this stuff?

what is it with this longing to hold on to everything?

a cluttered home. a cluttered heart. a cluttered mind.

and all this clutter brings anxiety.

i abhor that feeling.

i need and desire peace.

and with peace and uncluttered surroundings come a feeling of pride and accomplishment.

my goals this week:

keep clean what has already been cleaned

throw away or recycle what i don't need that isn't worth keeping

let go of 15 things each day that will bless someone else

running MY race

2010-06-22T19:53:00.011-04:00

i've been reading my devotionals these last couple of days, and the main themes have been about being confident as an original and running MY race, not the race of others. man! that really struck a chord, touched a nerve, made me think.

i am 35 years old. you'd think by now that i had a clue about life, that i'd be more confident, that i'd know where i belong, and...yet...well, here i am.

i've spent most of my life feeling like, if anywhere, i belonged in the land of misfit toys. i never felt like i belonged. i spent most of my youth feeling like GOD had made a mistake. you see, my younger sister died when i was almost 9. i maintained that GOD had taken the wrong sister, so i felt like i didn't belong on this planet or even in my own family. i never felt like i fit in at church. i was always the controversial one who challenged and questioned everything and everyone. though some considered it rebellious, i knew it was due to my inherrant desire to understand the "why" behind everything, my quest for knowledge and understanding. i never wanted to blindly follow. to me, that's dangerous. and as an adult, i've searched intently to find "home," the place where my heart ceases to feel restless.

i've never really felt comfortable in my own skin. i've doubted my decisions. i've struggled with what to do with my life. and i think i now understand why. i've spent most of my life's journey running someone else's race. i have cared too deeply for the opinions and acceptance of others.

i am to run MY race, walk MY journey, follow MY path. there will i find "home." there will my heart find rest and peace and confidence.

i tried to get up early and read my BIBLE and pray for an hour because i was told it would make me more like JESUS. that was someone else's race. i'm a night owl, and i can pray only sentences at a time.

i tried to volunteer all my time and talents at church because i was told it was my spiritual obligation. that was someone else's race, i suppose. it sure wasn't mine. i never got to be light in the world because i never got to be in the world.

i tried to dress a certain way, think a certain way, not act a certain way...all races belonging to someone else.

i tried to be supermom. all that got me was overextended, tired, and run-down. i learned that the word "no" was my best friend. supermom was not my race.

i went to school to be a musician because others expected me to go that route. i felt guilty the day i quit. though i knew that staying at home with my kids was where i wanted and needed to be, i felt like i was disappointing others. i felt like such an underachiever. but being a mom...that was MY race.

and my decisions today...that's MY path. it's okay to question. it's good to think for myself. it's acceptable to like who i am and who i am not. it's okay because GOD made me an original. who i am is beautiful to GOD, and i can be confident in that. in his eyes, i'm pretty and perfectly imperfect just the way he intended me to be. he has a journey planned out for me. i don't have to follow anyone else's. what others do is great...for them. but i need to run my race. and the more i do, the more at home my heart feels. my footsteps have been ordered by GOD.. not by family, friends, or society. whew...what a relief!

new doors and failure

2010-06-14T09:38:00.009-04:00

a few days ago, i thought that the ministry part of my life was coming to a close. i'm preparing to return to school, and well, the ministry doors seem to keep slamming in my face right now. i'm not really a logical thinker, but even i can see where this seems to be heading.

then it all started to make sense. most of my ministry has been in the church, working towards building up the existing church, helping to make it a better place, encouraging and raising up leaders. things went pretty well with that for a while. i think, together with my husband and a few others, we did a good job.

but then i slammed into a wall, or rather i think that door may have been shut. a little disappointed at first, i took some time to process. and i concluded this may be a good thing. not all failure is failure. it depends on your perspective. it may be that failure brings you closer to success. i read a story about an inventor who shared that perspective. each failed test only brought him closer to a solution, a new invention. i decided that this door shutting is only bringing me closer to the open door i'm supposed to walk through.

new doors are opening. i don't know what i'm going to find when i get there, but i know GOD will be with me. it's exciting.

forgiveness like the ocean waves

2010-06-12T22:48:00.004-04:00

i love to walk barefoot on the beach at night. to hear the waves crashing against the ocean floor and to feel the cool water swirling around my feet on its way back into the deep. the hint of salt in the air that tingles my nose as i breathe. rarely do i feel closer to GOD than at moments such as these.

for me, healing and forgiveness come in waves and leave me experiencing a similar sensation. one wave washes over me and carries far away and into the deep a portion of the hurt and unforgiveness. refreshed and renewed, i take one step. and another. and at just the right moment, another wave washes over me again and carries away to the deep a little more of the residue the hurt and unforgiveness left behind. it happens again and again.

i wish i were one of those people who can just...forgive...one and done. but i'm not. i forgive as i am able. sometimes i feel as if i am so consumed in my suffering that the next wave of healing and forgiveness will have no choice but to be of tsunamic proportions if it is to be successful.

and so here i am. yet another wave has washed over my heart and soul, and i am one step closer to wholeness. as i watch more of the residue being towed into the sea, i am made aware that some things happen for a reason while other hardships are just... bad, yet GOD makes something beautiful of them. this time, i believe those trials have revealed themselves as blessings in disguise. one season has past, and another is just beginning.

and i feel good about it. i'm so exhilarated that if i close my eyes and breathe deeply, i think i feel the saltiness in the air tingling my nose as i breathe in the goodness and blessing of GOD.

lessons from john wooden

2010-06-10T16:16:00.002-04:00

with all the media attention devoted to the recently departed coach john wooden, i was inspired to pick up his book, wooden on leadership. i was surprised to realize that many of the leadership principles i have heard throughout the years originated or were greatly associated with him. barely into the book, i am already putting into practice and thought his principles and values. i have so much to learn.

i have found that when you don't love yourself or see your value, you find it difficult or even impossible to receive good things in your life like compliments, constructive criticism, dreams and direction. when you live out of "deficit," you spend most of your energy just trying to get back to even. it's tiring. sometimes you give up because it just doesn't feel worth the energy or time. but when you begin to love and respect yourself and forgive, you begin to heal. healing brings wholeness, and wholeness brings the opportunity to make your dreams reality. you deserve all the good things GOD sends your way. and don't let anyone convince you otherwise.

i have a group of people in my life that tend to assume the worst about me. they make sarcastic, hurtful comments at times that make me feel worthless, like no one likes me, like i'm a terrible person that can't get along with others. i'm actually afraid to tell them that i'm going back to school to study public relations. i can almost see the shocked looks on their faces and hear the sarcasm in their voices.

now i say that to say the following: it doesn't matter what they say or why they say it. for one thing, i know and those closest to me know who i really am. more importantly, GOD knows who i really am.

while reading wooden on leadership, i came across an account from john wooden's life. he was coaching basketball at ucla at the time. his 1959-1960 team just barely eked out a winning season. though others considered that year a bust, wooden considered this one of his best years of coaching. why? his definition of success. he rarely spoke about winning games and beating his opponents. he defined success as "peace of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to become the best of which you are capable." did they win the championship that year? far from it. were they a success? very much so. why? because they maximized their abilities both individually and as a unit.

wooden put it this way: " We were a success, but nobody understood it except us. But us is what mattered. It's like character and reputation. Reputation is what others perceive you as being, and their opinion may be right or wrong. Character, however, is what you really are, and nobody truly knows that but you. But you are what matters most."

just like me, you may have those nay-sayers and discouragers in your life that you can't seem to shake. sometimes what they say may have some basis, but truth without love can be just as damaging. the two opinions that matter most about you are the ones that originate with you and with GOD.

don't be afraid to follow your dreams and to acknowledge the good in yourself. you are an amazing, unique masterpiece fashioned by the great CREATOR himself. that's pretty doggone incredible. have you done your best? then have the peace of mind that you are already a success. believe in you. GOD does.

quit focusing on the storm

2010-05-31T20:48:00.003-04:00

so, GOD, i'm feeling a little bit like a failure. i'm having trouble trusting you with a few areas.

it reminds me of when peter attempted to walk on the water to JESUS. he stepped out of the boat while the storm raged all around. instead of keeping his eyes on JESUS, peter turned to look at the waves and began to sink.

i know i should look up, but the waves are distracting me from seeing you, GOD, in all this.

just like you did with peter, you've called me to come out to you. no sooner did i get out of the boat, but i began to sink.

i suppose i should find comfort in knowing that when peter called out to you, you reached to him, pulled him up, and helped him into the boat. all i have to do is call out to you, and you'll do the same for me.

i just feel so bad when i fail. i should be grateful and thankful instead of looking at the storm around me. i guess i'm asking for you to forgive me and to help me forgive myself. i don't like doubting that you'll take care of us. i know how much i care about my kids and want good things for them, so how much, much, much more you care about me and want good things for me and my family! why do i ever doubt you?

what does it mean to be CHRIST-like?

2010-05-28T20:31:00.005-04:00

these last couple of days, i've been meditating on the question...what does it mean to be CHRIST-like?

keep in mind, these are just my thoughts and questions, not judgements.

i ask because i went to a private christian school as do my kids, and one of the end-of-the-year awards is "most CHRIST-like." over the years, i've seen many kids be awarded this honor, and over the years, i hear much the same explanation for why.

among them?
"i've never had any trouble with this child."
"she/he wants to be a missionary and said that JESUS is her/his hero."
"she/he always smiles/greets me with a hug."
"this child always gets along with her/his classmates."
"this is the sweetest child."
"she/he always does what i ask/is very obedient."

and among other things, this is what i know about JESUS:

he was a revolutionary
he didn't aways get along with people
he broke the rules
he made the religious community so mad, they ran him out of places and eventually had him killed
he got angry and protested injustice
he took up for the underdog/rejected/sick/overlooked and spent time with the under-privileged
he didn't suck up; he treated people honestly and fairly
he was compassionate, humble, a servant, merciful
he was fearless and confident
he loved and cared for women and children, so he had to have been approachable and likable, not at all like the picture we tend to have of him... hands raised piously with solemn facial expressions saying, 'bless you, my child' to everyone he meets
he was a carpenter

we tend to think that the most CHRIST-like are those who aspire to become missionaries, pastors, sunday school teachers, and the like. JESUS started out as a carpenter. imagine this: a carpenter/a builder/contractor who does excellent work for fair and honest wages, who takes an interest in the families he serves. are we less CHRIST-like if we aspire to be a journalist or an engineer or a plumber? does being CHRIST-like mean we always get along with others or follow the rules?

who is JESUS? what did he do? i've been inspired to find out more for myself.

i'm just asking.

insights welcome.

my thoughts on my church experience today

2010-05-23T22:01:00.003-04:00

i left church this morning feeling encouraged and safe, yet challenged. i haven't heard any other church/pastor say some of the things they've said about integrity, mercy, forgiveness. it's like ... water in a hot, arid desert.

i did a couple of things that may sound kind of trivial or silly, but to me, they were huge. i filled out a visitor's card and went up for prayer for healing over my past. earlier in the week, we had discussed having other plans for today, but i really hated the thought of missing church at avalon this morning. my desire for the time being is to fall through the cracks and remain anonymous, that is, until i'm ready to emerge. they've made it easy. they respect my privacy, giving me space, while letting me know i am loved and welcomed.

will this be long-term? i don't know. and for right now, i don't care. this is where my heart needs to be for this season. and i am drinking it all in. are they perfect? you can bet they're not, but to be honest, i haven't seen any warning flags yet...and GOD knows i'm looking for them.

i walk in and want to cry as soon as the music begins...a good cry, a cleansing cry, a happy cry. and i must admit, i'm a little bummed when we're dismissed. the sermon series this month has been "captive." it's about being chained to our fears, our past, or whatever keeps us from living a blessed, whole and abundant life. it's exactly what i needed.

i've been struggling again with bitterness and holding on to past hurts and failures. i think it's time to rid myself of another layer of that baggage. it was music to my ears when the pastor said that it's not reasonable nor is it biblical to insist upon "forgive and forget." we don't usually forget, but we can forgive. we can accept. we can move on. he said that sometimes it takes forgiving a situation or person 490 times (that's 70 x 7 for all the bible scholars). if it doesn't "take" the first time, forgive again and again for as long as it takes. it's nice to hear what i've thought all along.

so i think i'm probably on 200-something. =) but that's ok. i'll keep forgiving until it does "take." i'll keep forgiving those who've hurt or disappointed me, and i'll keep forgiving myself for my short-comings and failures. one day, it's going to come together. one day, i won't fear anymore. one day, the massive amount of love and forgiveness in my heart will drive out the fear and bitterness. there won't be any room for them anymore.

it's been a good day.

back to school!

2010-05-20T12:10:00.002-04:00

i am one big ball of mind clutter these days!

i have a major life change...i'm going back to college! i'm really excited, but i'm a little nervous. it's been YEARS since i was in school. at least the school is making the process easy. i'll be attending georgia state university and majoring in journalism with a concentration in public relations.

life changes, though oftentimes fun and exciting, are still major times of adjustments. i tend to take 6-9 months to fully adjust. i guess that's why i'm pouring over it so right now. i figure if i can get used to the idea now, i'll have an easier time once school actually starts.

i think i'm ready for the worlds of academia and workplace. i need something different in my life. i've prayed for quite some time that my church bubble would burst, that i would find ways to really help people and get to know those outside of church. i think i'm ready.

honestly, i'm stressing over our finances. part of me knows that GOD will take care of us, but there's a part that feels the need to obsess over it. i know that's a prideful thing. it shows i don't think GOD can handle it, so i'm trying to chill and just let GOD do his thing. it's not easy, but i tend not to back down from challenges. i'm praying for lots of scholarship/grant money and a job.

so, GOD...guide my steps and grant me favor. i could really use that. well, that and a nice family vacation!

he closed his eyes

2010-05-12T15:08:00.007-04:00

the blind side...

leigh anne tuohy: "how did you get out of there, michael?"

michael oher: "...momma would tell me to close my eyes... and when the bad things were over, she'd say, 'now when i count to three, you open your eyes. the past is gone, and the world is a good place. and it's all gonna be ok.'"

he closed his eyes.

he. closed. his. eyes.

what a profoundly simple thought.

i remember a conversation a pastor's wife and i had a few years ago. though we'd seen so much of the dark side of church and there was so much to get bitter over, neither of us wanted to wake up one day to find ourselves old, angry, bitter and unapproachable. when that day comes, we want to be known as the sweet old lady with a great big smile and even bigger heart.

that conversation has revisited my mind many times over the past couple of weeks as i've found myself becoming bitter and angry over something. i know that if those emotions don't get taken care of, they'll take over.

a few days ago, there was nothing on television so david and i pulled out "the blind side." i love that movie. it's one of my favorites...inspirational on so many levels. and when the movie got to the scene in front of the laundromat in which anne and michael had the conversation i opened with, my heart stopped and my eyes filled up with tears.

he closed his eyes. and when he opened them the past was gone and the world was a good place. got me thinking that i have my eyes open too much. maybe i should close them more often.

i've been spending a lot of time thinking about ecclesiastes 3...there is a time for every season under the sun. i suppose if i could add something, it would be...there is a time to see, and there is a time to close your eyes.

so, i'm closing my eyes, and when i count to three, i'm going to open my eyes again. the past is gone. the world is a good place. and maybe like michael in the movie, i'll find myself a little more innocent and a lot less cynical...all right, then. ;)

before we preach the gospel, we need to live the gospel

2010-05-02T19:27:00.004-04:00

i read a blog a while back in which the author was voicing his aggravation with readers who inevitably comment that we don't need strategies to reach the lost, we just need to preach the gospel. my guess is that many who suggest we just preach the gospel probably don't have a very good relationship with those who need the gospel. at least that has been my experience.

john maxwell is famous for saying "people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." that couldn't be more important than when we are sharing the gospel with others. before we can preach the gospel, we need to live the gospel.

and that means we need to care. we need to love. we need to live and work with integrity. we need to serve.

i know for me personally, i will listen a whole lot better and a whole lot longer if i know someone genuinely loves and cares for me. i suggest we need less preaching and more living.

i went to church this morning

2010-05-02T18:32:00.003-04:00

what a day! this morning, we awakened early and headed to church...avalon church. for the past few months, we have had church at home. it has been good for a season. i have a feeling we'll do it again from time to time, but now i feel i'm ready to venture out again into the church world.

but this time i'm taking it slow.

i really enjoyed it. the people were nice and helpful, and they let me just be, which for now means that they let me hide. i'll emerge when i'm ready, when i feel i can trust. for now, i'm watching and taking it all in.

last night, i was encouraged as i looked at their website. it is a great site. someone has a pretty good sense of humor, and it came through. i have gotten in trouble when i have tried to make church fun in the past, so i was excited when they made jokes when introducing their staff on the website. i also was very much attracted to their outreach. this upcoming saturday, they will be ministering to single moms and shut-ins, doing practical things to help them out. one day, i will join them.

many churches talk about excellence, but few do anything about it. i get excited when i see excellence. i saw it today in everything they did. nothing spectacular, but what was done was done well. the leader in me felt the spotlight shine down from heaven with a host of angels all with outstretched hands singing, "ahhhh!"

the student pastor did a wonderful job introducing the new series called "captive." i was challenged, yet encouraged. what he said nailed me, yet i didn't feel condemned. i felt the grace and mercy of GOD washing my heart and spirit kind of like when you wash the dirt and grime off a truck you went mudding in.

i know better than most that no church is perfect, but how refreshing it is to see a minister be transparent. he didn't have it all together. he admitted it. he told on himself. he admitted his brokenness. and in so doing, he encouraged me in my own journey.

i think i'll be back. they're worth a second look.

new beginnings

2010-05-02T00:37:00.003-04:00

new beginnings. change. expansion.

tomorrow, we visit a new church. i smiled as i did a little research on the church tonight. the name is avalon, which i found out means...yep...new beginning. that seems to be the theme of my life right now.

i've had to say goodbye to some former things. i'm working to embrace the new. and there is a lot of new to embrace.

i am a little fearful. i can't lie about that. perspective is a hard thing to find, but i'm trying to relax and open my mind in order to grasp it. i'm not the first to try something new, and i certainly won't be the last. for me to think i'm the only one who has ever stepped out of her comfort zone would be arrogant and prideful.

i have to trust that GOD will lead me in the right direction. i've been joking (though i'm kind of serious) about GOD tweeting me his will. but i remembered something i read a few years ago by erwin mcmanus...go till GOD says no.

and go i will. and with each new experience comes confidence and peace and a broader sense of adventure. as long as i'm moving, i will find that the hand of GOD guides me. it's when i stop that i get lost. i don't know if that makes sense, but it does to my heart.

hey, GOD...got facebook?

2010-04-26T22:53:00.003-04:00

i've really been wishing lately that GOD would open up a twitter or facebook account. tweet, LORD, for your servant readeth.

started thinking...GOD did write on a wall. it is recorded in the Bible. i hate feeling so unsure of my plans, of where GOD wants me to go. i would definitely appreciate him writing on my facebook wall. life would be easier.

i came across a youth camp shirt from last year. chasing GOD was the theme. maybe i don't have my answers because i'm not pursuing GOD like he's wishing i would. i keep wanting the easy way out. maybe i should try a little harder. maybe GOD is wanting me to chase after him instead of demanding he make my life easier. maybe. maybe he wants to be sought, too. i get that. i like to be pursued. who doesn't?

i guess i've gotten a little self-absorbed, wanting GOD to cater to my wants. maybe i should seek him with all my heart. yeah, i think that's a biblical concept.

teachable moments

2010-04-19T22:12:00.005-04:00

what a weekend! what started out to be a great and beautiful day full of promise (i realize that sounds melodramatic) turned sour. the region track meet was saturday. you should have heard us cheer my matthew on in the 1600m race. he crossed the finish line in first! our only win of the day, matthew would be moving on to compete in the state meet...at least we thought so. an hour later, someone came to let us know matthew had been disqualified. he had been announced 3 times as the winner and had been awarded his plaque. the coach at a rival school alleged sometime after the race (and after his kid had lost to matthew) that matthew had run out of bounds. matthew felt cheated. we all did. he knew he hadn't stepped out of bounds, especially the distance the coach was now claiming. we lost the initial appeal. but someone did the right thing, turned in a report, and before we even had a chance to ask for another appeal, the decision was overturned. matthew was reinstated as the winner. and he will compete at state.

david and i both felt sick over this situation. it was wrong. very wrong. after things settled down and we were back at our school, i was able to talk to matthew briefly about not letting this make him bitter. he had the opportunity to let this fuel him to be better, to be faster, to be more focused. it may have fallen on deaf ears for the moment, but i think he will take it to heart once he's had a chance to process.

he was angry. he had every right to be. david and i gave him his space. we allowed him to explore his emotions and process the events. i was probably angrier than anyone. you don't mess with a momma bear and her cubs, and you don't mess with a human momma and her children. amen?

he had one race left that day, and i believe he ran harder and faster than i'd ever seen him run. his whole team did. they placed third and also qualified for state. all of us on the sidelines were cheering and laughing about how they must really be mad to run that fast.

we kept the plaque he was awarded. i refused to give it up stating that he had rightfully earned it. no one challenged me on that. not only did he earn it, but i wanted to keep that plaque as a symbol, a reminder. i came across a quote by sophocles: "I would prefer even to fail with honor than to win by cheating.” my next teachable moment with my son? always remember how this felt, and always keep your integrity. and when you find yourself at that crossroads, do the right thing. don't allow someone else to feel what you felt at that moment.

life is full of decisions, crossroads. we have a choice. our integrity will be challenged. we can choose to do right or we can choose to do others wrong. we can choose to be bitter or we can choose to be better. we can fall and give up or we can rise with determination to overcome. what will we do? which will we choose?

can we have it all?

2010-04-16T14:12:00.003-04:00

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin ~

this quote struck me today. i'm at a crossroads in my life. my children are getting ever so much closer to leaving the nest. they are wanting more independence, and quite honestly, so am i. most of my identity has been wrapped up in my kids. since they've gotten older, the hubby and i can resume dating, which is a great thing! one day, the kids will be gone, and i don't want us to be one of those couples who looks at each other from across the room in the quiet, lonely house and says, "who the heck are you?" so we've been reconnecting, rediscovering and preparing for the day when it's again just the two of us. yes, my youngest is 11, so it's not like the nest is going to empty tomorrow, but i know that once the first one goes (and he's 16), the others will quickly follow suit.

i love being a mom. there's nothing else i'd rather be. i love my kids. i love my husband. but something inside of me is telling me, "it's time for you to find...you. it's time for you to be... you. it's time for you to realize some of your dreams." i think that voice may have a point. so i talked to my kids and talked to the hubby. and i'm going to take the next step. i'm scared and i'm excited all at the same time. i think it's time for me to blossom.

more to come on my decisions later when i'm ready to share. too early in the game to reveal all my secrets to everyone! =)

on the view this morning, the women were discussing, "can women have it all?" had i been there, i think would have responded, "yes, but not all at the same time and not without the help of others." they were agreed. you have to have someone in your life who supports and encourages you. i am so blessed to have that in my life.

i have found that i'm good at helping others find their potential and reach their goals. now it's time i start doing the same for me. i think i may have finally decided what i want to be when i grow up. hmm. maybe i can have it all, so to speak. we'll see. i'm already most of the way there.

prayer for clarity

2010-04-14T10:52:00.003-04:00

GOD,

first, i want to thank you for all the blessings you've given me. there are so many. and i want you to know i love you. i'm sure i don't tell you enough, but i do. i want to do your will. right now i'm struggling with what that might be. but that is my heart's desire. forgive me for my doubts, my indiscretions, my baggage i don't seem to want to let go of, my sins. help me to bestow that forgiveness to those in my life that have need of it.

my heart is anxious, fearful. my mind is unsure. my thoughts scattered. so i could use some clarity. i am willing to take whichever path you want me to take. but in each opportunity, there are challenges that i'm pretty sure i'll need your favor at work in. give me the courage to go and do what needs to be done. and those people that i need to help me out with this? if you could give them a kick in the pants to get their butts in gear, i'd really appreciate that!

thanks, GOD. i place myself in your hands and believe that whatever your plans for my life, you will give me grace for that season.

love you!
hope

just be

2010-04-10T15:50:00.005-04:00

i got the chance to sit in on a spiritual formations class this weekend taught by chris maxwell, a really great friend of ours. we were there for the weekend to feed all those present, but my wonderful husband sent me off to the class after breakfast. he cleaned up and made lunch for everyone all by himself. he's just that kind of guy...one of the reasons i love him so.

but back to the class.

i've heard that if satan can't make you sin, he'll make you busy. i think too often, christians feel like they have to earn their salvation...always striving, always going to church when the doors are open, attending both morning services, religiously reading the scriptures and praying and studying (none of these are bad endeavors, but sometimes we lose something in all the doing) ...

but then there's also work, family, games to attend, bills to pay, grass to mow...busy-ness.

we need to learn to...be.

just be.

among the spiritual disciplines we discussed and participated in, we experienced finding GOD in the silence, the solitude, in nature, in celebration. GOD is with us. sometimes we need add to our lives by subtracting...subtracting the noise, the static, the distractions. and when we do, we find refreshment, we find renewal, we find GOD. and we find ourselves.

we lose ourselves sometimes in the busy-ness and the noise.

we need to reconnect with GOD and ourselves from time to time. and i have found that is most often done in quiet and in solitude. there is a time for dance and celebration. and there is a time for quiet and stillness.

so this week, i will meet with GOD...in the quiet, in a book, in a walk...

and i will not do.

i will be...

because being a christian is who you are, not just everything you do.

GOD and my heart share a secret

2010-04-08T18:02:00.005-04:00

i've had a lot of thoughts going through my head these last few days, and i'm blogging because i need to let some of them out. ever get the feeling like something's about to happen? i have been feeling that way lately. sometimes that's a bad feeling, but not this time. i keep feeling like something good is about to happen. don't know what. don't know when. i have no reason to think this except that my heart tells me so.

i hope it's a good thing. i'm pretty intuitive, and so i've learned over the years to trust my heart. yeah, i know. i grew up hearing you shouldn't. i know there are people who emphatically state that you can't trust your emotions; you should go with what your head tells you. and that's fine if that's how you're wired. but i'm not wired that way. i make decisions with my heart, and it works every time...because that's how GOD made me. i used to think that was weird, wrong even...until someone i really respect confessed he was the same way. so if he's considered weird, i am in very good company.

i guess i'm just really looking forward to the plans GOD has for me. i think he's got something up his sleeve. i feel like my vision is expanding. i'm feeling hope and optimism like i haven't felt in a while. it's like GOD and my heart share a secret. i can speculate, but i think i'll just wait for GOD to reveal the surprise to me. and i'll just continue to wear this goofy smile that i can't seem to rid myself of...and i have no idea why.

christian bubbles

2010-03-30T21:13:00.008-04:00

a while back, i walked away from a staff position at a church. i assumed a few of my relationships would survive my resignation, but to my dismay, they really didn't. i understand on some level. we all move on, but i so hate leaving relationships behind. i felt like i didn't exist in their bubble anymore. maybe it's my imagination, but i think most of my lost relationships have been church relationships.

i'm disappointed that so many churches live in a bubble, and if someone is not in that bubble, they don't exist. my heart breaks everytime i lose a relationship to a church. here's what i mean: i make a friend. they start getting involved in church. good, right? well, before long...no more phone calls, no more texts, no more fb or twitter comments. i cease to exist. they have new friends inside the church and no more time for those outside of it. i've even attended churches in which members were discouraged from having outside relationships. seems a little cult-ish, if you ask me.

it's ok to have services and activities at church, but am i obligated to attend EVERY time the doors are open, which in some churches is every night? and what about outside relationships? when do i get to make and nurture those? i wonder if this is more of a southern phenomenon. when we lived on the west coast, we didn't see this kind of thing as much.

christians, i hate to burst our bubbles...sorry, that's dishonest...i would LOVE to burst our bubbles! GOD has called us to GO! JESUS himself associated with tax collectors, women of ill-repute, the uneducated...the sinners. if the only people we associate with are church-goers, we're living in a bubble.

i'm not going to be hypocritical here. i confess. i have a bubble, but i've become aware of that bubble recently, and i'm venturing out. yes, i have fear. i've been in church my entire life so this can be a daunting undertaking. i get that. you get used to being around people who are a lot like you, but i am very aware that there are people in this world that need GOD. if i stay inside my bubble, i can't touch them.

i've been considering some churches to attend. i must admit. i'm a little concerned about this church bubble thing. yes, i want relationships at church, but i don't want my world to revolve around only those relationships and only that church. i want to be encouraged to have outside relationships. i don't want to get sucked into the bubble, only to neglect those outside of it.

may GOD take a needle and burst our bubbles. i know that's my prayer for me.

don't sweat the small stuff?

2010-03-30T12:43:00.004-04:00

while i've been enjoying being on top of the world, i was unaware of what was coming up beside me to knock me off the cliff! lol! i guess i had my eyes trained to look out for the big stuff, but wouldn't you know, it was a lot of little things...the proverbial straw, i suppose.

i felt a little blindsided. still do, if truth be told. i'm a little disappointed in myself for not being more aware. don't sweat the small stuff? sometimes i think the small stuff is harder to deal with than the big stuff. it's like a paper cut. those things doggone hurt worse than something more serious sometimes. i think what happened this week is comparable to about 3 or 4 papercuts. no major wounds, but you're left wondering how something so small can sting so bad.

but i'm not going to let it beat me...today anyway. i let it get me yesterday. but like a papercut, these little things are soon forgotten if not focused on. so i'm not going to focus on them, and within a day or two, i will have no memory of those little irritations.

whatever is true, honorable, right, pure, lovely, admirable...think on things that are excellent and worthy of praise...philippians 4:8... that's the plan.

revisiting the past

2010-03-25T20:01:00.005-04:00

i finally have peace that has eluded me for years. i'm happy. i put smiley faces on everything! i'm spreading the happiness wherever i go. i carry on conversations with complete strangers and make eye contact with people i pass. this is huge for me because for about 8 years i've been a sanguine who's afraid of people. well, not anymore. i feel like me again! and my perspective on life is so much brighter.

but i got my first real challenge this week since my heart healed. i got pulled into a situation that i consciously and determinedly walked away from years ago. the toxicity stunted me emotionally and spiritually, made me insecure, brought me countless tears and sleepless nights. i had to get distance. i had to establish boundaries. i would suffer and work through whatever i had to in order to keep this from spreading to others and from tearing me apart.

i was forced into temporarily revisiting that past. i fought discouragement. i fought anger. and in the middle of my journey to the past, GOD spoke to me in that still, small voice. he lifted my chin and told me i didn't have to go back. he showed me how far i'd come. he confirmed to my heart that i need not engage in the turmoil. i think GOD gives good advice. i looked back, not to stay there, but to realize the goodness of GOD. and in the night when all was still and quiet, i whispered in my heart, "thanks GOD." my smile returned, and my body surrendered to sleep.

another lesson on perspective

2010-03-22T20:26:00.006-04:00

i just have to say it: thank GOD for his favor in unfavorable situations... and that is the story of my entire day.

it started with my dryer breaking. the service call was an outrageous amount, but at least repairing it was cheaper than buying a new one. also, the technician was able to tell me what was wrong with my oven. the cure is much, much cheaper than a brand new oven. so we'll be able to save money and fix it ourselves. that was favor in an unfavorable situation.

then my cat got worse. she's been limping and looked terrible, so i took her to the vet...again. the last vet visit cost an arm and a leg and ended with them telling me they didn't know what was wrong. today's visit found the reason for the limp...an infection. the vet didn't charge me. he figured i'd paid enough already at the weekend animal hospital. he was right. again, a little favor.

on my way to the vet, i found i had a flat tire. thankfully, i was able to borrow my mom's car and get to the vet before they closed for lunch. the tire can be used as a spare, and our spare is actually a better tire. go figure.

on my way home from the vet, i got stuck in traffic by a train in downtown griffin. i was getting frustrated but tried to remain positive. i began thanking GOD for all the favor he had shown me when the next lane opened up just enough for me to slide over, catch the side road and cross the bridge over the train.

and if that wasn't enough...our dishwasher has been broken for months. someone called and wants to bless us with a new one! now that time...i cried! wow!

i had a few moments of getting down and spewing complaints. but i fought it, and ultimately, i came out positive and grateful. and GOD did an amazing thing!

my perspective made a huge difference in my day...and what a day it was! thank you GOD for your incredible favor!

i feel closer to GOD since i left the church

2010-03-16T11:03:00.012-04:00

sounds shocking, doesn't it? yeah, i couldn't believe the words came from my mouth, yet they did. my hubby and i were talking late one night about our church experiences, and out came the words.

let me stop and explain. it's not that i've turned my back on GOD or the church at large. our family has decided that for this season in our lives, we will have church at home. i have to admit that i'm more than disillusioned with the church as an institution these days, but that's not my only reason for taking church home. this has actually worked out well for us. we spend time studying and growing as a family, this provides us the flexibility to visit and minister at other churches, we have more relaxing sundays with more quality time with each other and our extended family. and it's giving us time to re-evaluate what we think church should be. church planting is not out of the question for us sometime in the future.

i know having church at home is not for everyone, and i'm not trying to convince anyone to leave their church. but for us right now, home church just works.

obviously, the next question was, "why do i feel this way?"

i have hit on a few reasons so far:

1. i'm not discouraged by the negatives at church: the politics, the grumbling, the politics, the grumbling. as a leader, i seemed to be a target for a lot of this. i just had enough. i've seen the dark side of church. i know people aren't perfect, but seriously, we need to have more integrity than we do. that's the example set before us by CHRIST himself. it was never about politics. it was about people. it was about relationships with GOD and with people.

2. we're so busy doing church that we forget to be the church. it's not about doing. the doing will come if we just learn to be. we've got this class, this ministry, this rehearsal, this dinner, this meeting. gotta make this payment, gotta raise money for this trip, gotta do, gotta go, gotta... one of satan's most effective tools in the church today is busy-ness, and what a powerful tool it is.

3. at "church," it's easy to get lazy in our relationship with GOD. we let our sunday school teacher, our pastor, our small group leader do the learning for us. in my home church, i have to take responsibility for my own growth. i learn more because i'm taking more responsibility for my spiritual growth. i can't slip into the habit of letting someone else do the hard work for me.

i know this can bring a lot of criticism, and i know this isn't for everyone. but that's okay. just some thoughts that have crossed my mind, and i thought i would share.

enlarging my comfort zone

2010-03-15T21:38:00.005-04:00

i realized some time ago that my comfort zone had really shrunk, that although i have an outgoing personality i was afraid of people, and that i had the confidence of a scaredy-cat. and then something changed. it must have been when my emotional volcano erupted some time back. i hit my point of desperation, and that's when i changed.

and GOD made all things right. i did something this weekend that surprised even me. david and i were asked to lead a service at a church outside of savannah. i already knew that i was going to need to lead worship, but about midweek, i felt led to speak as well. i was so excited! i really felt like i had GOD's stamp of approval when i read a blog by mark batterson called "a fire shut up in my bones." he quoted the scripture from jeremiah 20:9-- "his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. i am weary of holding it in; indeed, i cannot." that pretty much described my feelings.

so i guess i made my "preaching" debut! lol! i spoke about wrestling with GOD. i was told years ago when i was going through a hard time that when i emerged, i would have a jacob's limp. ever since, jacob's story of wrestling with GOD has been near and dear to my heart. i know i have been marked by GOD. i know i have the blessing and favor of GOD on my life. i shared my story and shared some principles i have learned through studying jacob's experience.

i didn't get nervous at all. on the contrary, i was excited! i always get concerned about my delivery because i don't consider myself to be a great speaker by any stretch. i felt poised and confident. it felt right. i did something fearless. i stretched the boundaries of my comfort zone. and it feels awesome, exhilarating, empowering!

i love thunderstorms

2010-03-12T14:29:00.004-05:00

i am a huge fan of thunderstorms so today has been a good day. growing up in a home with a tv repair business, thunderstorms meant lightning strikes to tv sets which meant money. thunderstorms also meant spring. and a few years ago, thunderstorms took on another meaning...GOD is great!

let me share my story from a few years ago:

i ripped off the plastic wrap from the new passion cd and listened over and over to "how great is our GOD." david and i were at the mt. gap campground, and i had to make a wal-mart run. the weather started to get pretty rough, and when i got to the highway, i came to a dead stop. apparently, lightning had struck a tree and started a fire. traffic was temporarily halted. no worries! i was singing away. and the song took on new meaning as i listened to the thunder. GOD is great and grand and majestic and awe-inspiring! well, i finally made it to the thomaston wal-mart, got the things on my list, and headed out...

as i walked out the door, i noticed the storm had passed. i looked up and saw one of the most beautiful double rainbows ever. if breaking out into song would have been socially acceptable, i'd have sung from the top of my lungs, "how great is our GOD! sing with me..." i held my composure...until i got to my car, and then i let loose again...and again...and again.

and then i saw them. on the side of that country road were two beautiful deer feasting on the grass. at that moment, as if it were scripted, "how great is our GOD" transitioned into "then sings my soul, my savior, GOD, to thee. how great thou art..." it was another awesome sight, and i felt as if i could reach out and touch GOD himself. a chill ran down my spine as tears ran down my cheek. and i paused to consider just how beautiful and lovely and grand GOD truly is.

i'll never forget that day. with each thunderstorm i am reminded of my GOD-experience. so let the thunder roll. how great is our GOD!

i get to clean up =)

2010-03-08T20:38:00.007-05:00

once again, i'm working on my perspective. i have heard many times: "my perspective is my reality." now there may be some truth in that. however, those i've heard repeat that phrase all too often are just trying to justify their poor choices. just because we believe something doesn't make it real or true.

but like i said...there may be some truth in that depending on how we apply it. many times, my perspective becomes my reality. i was watching joel osteen on sunday, and he spoke about how we determine so much of our reality. if our perspective is sour and negative, our reality becomes sour and negative. on the flip, if our perspective is joyful and positive, our reality becomes joyful and positive. the more i tell myself something, the more apt it is to become true. here's an example:

joel osteen said we shouldn't say things like... "i have to go to work." rather, we should say... "thank you, GOD, that i get to go to work." the one that really got me? "i have to clean up." so i've decided to thank GOD that i have a roof over my head, furnished with all our needs and a good many luxuries. i get to clean up. i have something to clean up. there are many in the world who don't have that.

my perspective is my reality. and my reality is that GOD loves me and takes care of all my needs. he has given me a beautiful and wonderful family. he has given me a home. we have never gone hungry. he has given me spiritual and emotional healing, people who love me, and so much more. philippians 4:8 says, "And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." if that's my perspective, i have an incredible reality.

rejection or release?

2010-03-08T16:35:00.004-05:00

a friend of mine wrote as his facebook status today: "we often confuse RELEASE with REJECTION." he went on to say that we should thank GOD for the release, instead of mourn over our rejection, and that sometimes acceptance hinders us while our supposed rejection brings us freedom when it's all said and done.

i have been quite guilty of confusing the two. before reading ken t.'s status update this morning, i determined in my heart that i was going to have a different perspective on the events in my life. everything that has happened has brought me to where i am. i still don't understand some of those situations, but i'm going to trust that GOD is working it all out for my benefit or for the benefit of those i minister to.

i admit it. i stew over things: things that are beyond my control, hurtful situations, people's opinions of me... but i'm doing better. i'm re-training my heart and mind to trust GOD rather than despair, worry and wallow in self-pity.

so much of life is our perspective. and i've decided to focus more on the positive. and that means that i have had to distance myself from certain situations and relationships because all they do is bring undesired toxins into my life. those poisons make me angry, bitter, and chained to undesired attitudes and behaviors.

so today, i take rejection and turn it around. i see it as release. i see it as GOD bringing freedom into my life. and i thank him for it.

ken t, you hit the nail on the head and gave me much to think about. i had trouble putting it into words. thank you for making it easy for me.

get in the game

2010-03-03T14:52:00.007-05:00

each of the last few summers, my family and i have been at the georgia conference campmeeting in franklin springs, georgia. one of our fun traditions each year is a basketball game between the kids and the old people. and by kids, i mean mostly teens. they're just kids to us old people who have stopped growing vertically and now just grow around the middle. the old people have to rely more on strategy with each passing year while the kids rely on athleticism and height.

i love getting out there and playing. i must confess, i do much better at volleyball and softball, but my lack of basketball skills doesn't usually keep me off the court. i tend to sub in when one of the older, out-of-shape guys have a look of panic on their faces due to their fear of not getting enough oxygen.

i kept deferring during this one particular game. maybe it's because i got a little self-conscious and insecure because others were so much better than i. one of the old guys, who is actually pretty doggone good, kept urging me to get out there and play. now, i can't exactly call what i did playing. i ran and whenever someone threw me the ball, i quickly passed it along for fear that i may actually have to dribble.

afterwards, the same guy (who would probably prefer i not refer to him as old. lol!) talked to me about how that game was like my real life. i keep deferring to others, but i need to get out there and get in the game. he's right. and this past week, i've stepped onto the court of life, and i'm giving it my all. i'm not the best player, but that's ok. i'm out there, and i'm doing my thang. i guess you don't always have to be the best, and you don't always have to have it all together. i'll just try to do in life like i do on that court...laugh, have fun, provide relief and cheer on my team.

do christian-bashers have a point?

2010-02-26T22:01:00.003-05:00

i watched a couple of tv shows recently in which there was some christian-bashing going on. i admit. it was hard to hear what they were saying. on one hand, i'm a conservative christian. i'm the stereotype they were making jokes about. but i'm also disillusioned with the institution of church so in some respects i can understand their perspective. i've even secretly thought the same things.

my heart ached a little because i see where they're coming from. christians have begun to be known for what and who we're against. every time you turn around, we're boycotting this, or we're outraged about that. we're supposed to be known by our love. we're supposed to possess the fruit of the spirit which, in addition to love, is joy and peace, patience, gentleness, kindness and goodness, faithfulness and self-control. we're told in philippians to not only look out for our own interests but also the interests of others and not to be selfish and proud, but give more honor to others than ourselves.

yet this is not how we christians are perceived today. the people spoke about our negativity, our dogmatism, our rigidity, our condescension, our hypocrisy. i asked myself, "do they have a point?", "am i guilty?"

they may indeed have a point. i admit that when i act out of woundedness, i can slide into that stereotype. i can be guilty of one or more because i become self-focused, i push people away, and i hide emotionally or put up a front to protect myself. insecurity manifests itself in condescension and arrogance. i know i'm guilty of this at times. so once again, i am in one of my introspective, self-assessing modes.

i can point to many examples of christians being a poor representation of GOD. i've been turned off as well. i heard someone say that their problem was not with GOD but with his children. i get that. and i don't want to be that.

since then, i've apologized profusely to GOD, and i am truly sorry for being a poor representation myself. i want to be known for pointing people TO GOD not away from him. GOD is FOR people. i want to be known for being FOR people, too. i want to be known for my love and openness and caring attitudes and actions. i want to blow that stereotype out of the water that christians are angry, arrogant hypocrites. i'm not perfect. i will disappoint. but i'm trying to change and be that person that represents a good and loving GOD. that's who he is, even when i'm not.

peace after the storm

2010-02-22T20:10:00.006-05:00

i must have really gotten GOD's attention the other day when my emotional volcano erupted. i admit it. i was screaming at him as loudly as my hoarse voice would allow me. it wasn't a very pretty ordeal, but i believe GOD hears our cries of desperation. i think it finally took that last straw to make me feel like my back was against the wall. i hurt deeply. i can't begin to describe the hurt, anger and despair i experienced. i demanded that GOD show himself... and he did.

i had a restless night that night. GOD must have visited me through my dreams. his thoughts, his heart, his perspective were my first thoughts upon awakening. i had begged him to let the dawn take away my hurt and anger. when i opened my eyes to face the new day, those emotions were gone. maybe he knew i previously wasn't ready to let go. he waited until i was honest with myself and him about it. pure, raw honesty.

among the things he showed me was that i needed to pray for the ones who hurt me. for the first time in my life, i think, i didn't follow that with an objection. i'm still surprised by that response. yet pray i have.

i cannot say that it will be easier next time. i don't know. i hope so. i asked for peace. peace has not eluded me these last couple of days. i didn't expect to face some of the issues i have faced since the eruption. but it has made me a better person. GOD answered me when i cried out in desperation. he showed himself to me and helped me understand, at least a little better. i have a lot more closure and acceptance today than i have had in a long time. i guess sometimes it takes an explosion to get a little peace.

i am grateful for all the encouragement and prayers. i don't think i could have gotten through this weekend without them. thanks, all!

the emotional turn-around

2010-02-21T10:48:00.002-05:00

feeling better today. yesterday was just really rough. i thought i had prepared. not enough, i guess. i just keep telling myself that what others mean for harm, GOD means for good. and people who do that kind of stuff to others are not at peace in their own lives. instead of being angry, i should pity them. i should pray for them. perhaps if they found what they were lacking, they wouldn't hurt people like they do. i'm not sure they realize they hurt people, which is a huge problem in itself. i may not have money or influence or fancy possessions, but i do have some really good intangibles in my life that obviously they are lacking. i don't have to belittle or manipulate others in order to make myself look and feel better. i don't have to push others down in order to advance myself or my family members.

GOD and i had some conversations thru-out the night. i think i understand better. in studying about the apostle paul, i learned there were places he tried to go, but something always stood in the way of him getting to his desired destination. maybe that's happening a little here. i've been praying a lot for GOD's favor on my family, particularly on my children. perhaps this is part of that favor...helping us get pointed in the direction where his favor can just overwhelm us. i'm trying to change my perspective. i feel like i'm always gonna face this unless i figure out a better way of dealing with it. i'm tired of being a victim. i don't want to be the aggressor. i am trying to find that peace that passes all understanding. i'm trying to learn to be content in any situation. i have not mastered that art. but one day...

it's a beautiful day today, and i'm going to spend it with my family and enjoy it. and that's something others can't take away from me. i let them steal my yesterday, but today is mine. how's that for a turn-around?

the emotional volcano finally erupted

2010-02-20T19:07:00.005-05:00

how do i let go? why can't i let go? why does it make me so angry? why do i care what any of them do, say or think? they shouldn't even be on my radar. anyone who goes around doing what was done...they can't possibly be at peace in their lives. why do i let them wreck my own peace?

been trying to work through a situation for a while. i thought i was going to be ok, but i'm not. i can't let go of the hurt that was caused. i can't forgive the offenders. i don't like who i become when i am confronted with those people. they just don't get it. i know i hurt myself by not letting it go, but i want to scream from the top of lungs! no one seems to get that it was wrong. or either they just don't care. it's not right. it's not fair. it's a grave injustice. and no one seems to get that! it's not ok. and no one stood up and did the right thing. and i was silenced. and i hate that as much as i hate what happened. and it just keeps going. and it won't stop. what was is still not enough. the whispers continue, the snide remarks, the entitled get their way, and no one stops to think. no one stops to consider. they did what they thought they had to do. and it hurt. and it left a wake. and no one gets it. or no one cares. it just is.

GOD, i'm angry at you 2. why didn't you stop it? why didn't you scream until someone with a conscience listened? or did you, but they shut their ears? why do bad things happen to good people? and good things happen to bad people? why can't you make my pain go away? i tried saying the words...i forgive...and nothing happened. i tried it again. and again. and again. nothing. or so it seems. does it have to get this bad for me to finally let go? do you get it? please. help. me. make this darkness go away. let the morning bring a new start. let the dawn chase away my pain and anger. peace. that's what i want. yet it seems to elude me. they don't have the right to keep my peace away from me. why did i let them have it? how do i get it back?

gchs girls varsity basketball team

2010-02-08T22:27:00.006-05:00

i had a great time tonight at the girls' varsity game. we have all of 6 girls on the team this year, and though they haven't won much, it's been a good year.

tonight they made school history. we joined gisa 4 years ago, and this is the first time that we have won a basketball play-off game as a gisa school. i'm glad that honor went to them. they have played their hearts out this season.

and we believe this is the beginning of something great this year. tomorrow, they are scheduled to play arlington, which is by far the best team we've seen. chances are tomorrow will be their last game...unless something extraordinary happens. no matter what happens, they have gotten the winning tradition started in this year's regional tournament. we believe our school will go far and that the boys will continue this winning tradition.

these girls have my admiration. they have held their heads high in defeat, and they have won with grace and sportsmanship. you'd be hard-pressed to find a team with more heart. so, sarah, kellie, caroline, j.t., brittany, leyah and coach melanie...we are proud of you! you have represented our school well! and like we said tonight, "...and david slew the giant!" crazier things have happened! lol! good luck against arlington! i can't wait to cheer you on!

my kids earned it, and i'm proud of that

2010-02-07T12:43:00.005-05:00

my kids have had so many transitions in their short life spans. starting over isn't easy. we would know. we've done it a lot. doing government work and ministry will get you transferred more than you might like. we plan to be where we are for a while. it's hard for kids to have to keep starting over once they've gotten older and have established roots in a school.

i've given this a lot of thought over the years, and today i decided to share this. my kids have always played sports, and they've always been the outsiders. it's not easy breaking into sports in a new town, especially a small one. yet my kids have always managed to do it. though it wasn't fair, i knew my kids would benefit in the long run. they have never made teams or gotten playing time based on who their parents were or how much money we had. they earned it, plain and simple. they did it by working twice as hard as anyone else and by maximizing their GOD-given abilities. and they shake it off any time someone says otherwise. they know the truth, and that's good enough for them.

and now we see it paying off. my kids are good at what they do, and i make no apologies for that. i know the hours they put into their activities, i see how focused and determined they are, and i know GOD has truly blessed them. i also know GOD will continue to honor their good stewardship of the gifts he has given them and their hard work. i am proud of my kids, and i thank GOD that he gave me the privilege of having a role in their lives.

momma's proud of you, matthew, jonathan, lily and katy! you deserve the success you have. you've worked hard, and you've earned it! way to go! i love you!

hunger/anxiety

2010-02-06T21:20:00.003-05:00

i've done ok these last few days on my weight loss though it has been a challenge. i realized i tend to want to eat more when i'm tired. i've been tired more this week. i'm just not getting enough sleep.

so right at this moment, i am inwardly screaming for something sweet or just another glass of dr pepper cherry. i'm not hungry, but the anxiety in my heart...it's really bad.

oh, GOD, please help me realize that this is not true hunger. and please do something about this anxiety in my heart. help me eat only when i'm truly hungry. and bring peace and wholeness to my heart.

what if churches worked together???

2010-02-03T10:24:00.001-05:00

what if churches worked together rather than saw each other as competition? what if they came together to accomplish a common goal rather than live in a constant state of "reinventing the wheel"? what would be the results of this union in our communities?

i'm not saying that we all need to close our doors and become one large church. each church has its unique personality, each appeals to a various group of people, and each has strengths and weaknesses.

i'm just wondering what we could accomplish if we joined forces, brought our strengths and ideas to the table, and put our insecurities and egos aside? what if we became partners in something bigger than ourselves?

personal: diet

2010-02-01T22:42:00.004-05:00

i've chosen to follow the "weigh down" principles of weight loss. it's like this: you get to eat what you want as long as you eat only when you're hungry and stop when you get full. it also has a spiritual aspect. many of us have holes in our souls. i am no different. i try to fill my holes with food. the problem is food doesn't fill those holes. the food just makes me fat. i'm an emotional eater, so this is a problem. i need to turn to GOD to fill those holes for me, not food.

i've been doing this for 2 days now. it hasn't been too hard yet, although it's had its moments. there are times when i'm not hungry, but i want to eat anyway. i'm feeling that right now, as a matter of fact.

i'm just bored. normally, i'd find something to snack on, and before i realized it, that snack would have turned into a bigger snack. that adds up to a lot of calories that i didn't need to have.

i know this approach works. my lowest weight as a mom came when i did weigh down. i was in a size 6. then i got pregnant, and i went back to my bad habits. bye-bye size 6!

i don't know if i'll get back down to that, but i must get control over my emotional eating. one day at a time! and if that's too much...one hour at a time!

february's 4 resolutions

2010-02-01T21:16:00.004-05:00

january's 4 resolutions:

the good news: i am on track on bible reading, and i got a lot done on ministry stuff. i still have work to do, but it's really an on-going thing.

the bad news: i didn't finish the organizing and decluttering, but i got some done. and the weight? that's the worst. i didn't come close to my goal. but more t come on that later.

my 4 new goals:

really get to work on my weight loss. i'm planning to follow the "weigh down" principles. main emphasis this month.
deep clean kitchen, dining room, and take away items for christian women's center
stay current on bible reading
continue working on emerge ministry and start getting dates and plan worship sets for home church and emerge

these new ones are pretty much the same as last month's, but my emphasis is changing a bit. i'll be blogging a lot about my weight loss process and progress. this should be interesting.

ai inspiration...my worst nightmare

2010-01-28T13:49:00.003-05:00

though i'm usually not a fan of the early episodes of american idol, i watched anyway last night. i'm glad i did. in walks this ball of energy wearing an outfit that would give richard simmons a run for his money. i was not surprised to hear that pink was her favorite color. i swear she missed her calling as either an aerobics instructor or motivational speaker.

the judges asked what she has planned to sing, and she said, "at last." i thought to myself, "this should be interesting." and interesting it was.

she opens her mouth and proceeds to butcher this beautiful song! oh my ears! and oh my abs...from laughing so hard!

i couldn't help but smile! there was something that i liked about her...not her voice, mind you...but her personality. simon, with his usual wit and quips, told her that if he were to describe his nightmares, this would be it. ever the optimist, she smiled and said, "at least you're dreaming about me." and she bounded out of the room.

as soon as she met up with her supportive friends, she let them know that she wasn't going to hollywood. but before anyone had a chance to get sad, to cry, to throw a tantrum of epic proportions as is not uncommon on the show, she announced that simon said she was his worst nightmare, and all had a great laugh!

though her voice leaves much to be desired, her optimism and joy touched a place in my heart, and this morning when i got up, i decided she would be my role model for the day. in every cloud there is a silver lining. thanks, crazy pink girl! you are an unexpected inspiration!

my heart still beats fast

2010-01-25T22:47:00.003-05:00

tonight, david and i ended up in different cars going in different directions. he was headed home, and i was headed to my grandfather's home to spend the night. i was still on our road when my heart began to beat fast. i looked at the approaching car, and i realized why my heart was acting the way it did. my hubby was about to pass by me. and a smile crept over my face as i had a very happy thought. after all these years, i can still feel his presence even before i see him. how sweet.