Saturday, May 28, 2011

To My Daughter Upon Entering High School

This is a letter I wrote to my daughter Lily for her 8th grade banquet.

Dear Lily,

I always wanted a little girl. You have no idea how excited I was when you were born. You were tiny with a head full of dark hair. We put a little pink bow in your hair and took you home the next day.

About a week later, your dad and I packed up you and your big brothers and headed off for Washington state for your dad's job. About halfway there, you started having seizures in my arms. I have never been so afraid in my life. I saw your brief life and my visions for your future flash before my eyes, and for a second I thought I would lose my little flower girl to eternity.

But God had other plans, and no one is happier than I. We never knew why you had those seizures, but time and medicine took the problem away. You have now grown to be a beautiful, intelligent and talented young lady.

I know that right now you don't know what you'll be when you grown up, and that's all right. You have time to figure all that out. Too often we rush toward the destination; and although it's good and noble to have goals, it's just as important to enjoy and embrace the journey. Take in the sights. Laugh a lot. Put yourself in others' shoes. Be fearless. Make the most of the moments God has given you. You'll get to the destination one day along with the rest of humanity. However, unlike those who just coast through life, you will be able to say you lived with no regrets.

I am proud of you. I always have been. These first few years of your life have been wonderful, but I bet there are even better things in store for you.

Always do your best. Don't settle for mediocrity. Keep your eyes on God. Guard your character and integrity. Love, respect, and listen to others, especially those who are different from you. They have a lot they can teach you, too. You are a special young lady with a lot to offer the world.

And don't just learn what to think, learn how to think. Know not just what you believe but why you believe it. Ask questions. Questioning God doesn't mean you have a lack of faith; it shows you take your faith seriously. God is big enough to handle each and every question, and it gives Him the opportunity to reveal to you His glory and wonder.

Your dad and I love you very much. These are exciting days. Enjoy them. Embrace them. We are excited for you and the journey that awaits you.

With all my heart,
Mom

Sunday, May 22, 2011

either i missed the rapture or it didn't happen

i never thought i'd think, "i'm so sick of that bible verse!" but i have heard and read "no one knows the day or the hour..." more times than i can count. it may be true, but i seriously don't want to hear it again for a while. =)

yes, i made a few jokes about the impending day of judgment, but as soon as the funniness faded, i started to feel sorry for those who believed and were let down. then i got on twitter and saw what was trending. that's when i started feeling sorry for those mocking. the hardening of hearts toward GOD really broke my heart. this isn't JESUS. this isn't what he is about.

i’m praying for both sets of disillusioned people. i pray both find truth and peace in the days, months and years ahead.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

wake up

i got overly confident after having a couple of good days of not overeating. i slipped into a mindset of ... yeah, i can have that. i've been doing well. i deserve it.

guess what happened. yep. the weight quit coming off.

i realized that i need to wake up and be aware of my situation. i can't cruise through and think i'm just going to magically lose the weight i want. i'm not going to go to sleep and wake up the next morning unattached to food.

this is going to take resolve. i'm going to have to stay awake and aware.

i also need to remind myself that i deserve better than to overeat. i deserve to be free from the pull of the refrigerator. God loves me, and his desire is that i live a free and abundant life.

this week my goal is to stay awake.

Friday, May 6, 2011

food was meant for the stomach, not for the heart

we all have holes in our souls, places that are incomplete, damaged, ravenous even. last night, as i tossed and turned, i felt God showing me some holes in my own soul.

every time i start a journey, God visits with me and reveals areas of hurt, unforgiveness and insecurity. i realize this is necessary, but it is very uncomfortable and sometimes unnerving when God shines light on my darkness forcing me to acknowledge its presence.

what does this have to do with overeating? for me...just about everything.

i eat to satisfy my hunger. i overeat to satisfy the longings of my soul. food has a numbing affect. some people turn to alcohol. i turn to food. when the binge is over, i feel guilty. i feel incomplete. the food doesn't magically make my life better. it doesn't heal my soul or fill the holes in it. it makes it worse.

today i stuggled. i have fought back tears. i have run to food many times today outside the boundaries of hunger so that i could fill my longing heart, but i can't feed my heart with food. it's one thing to feed your stomach when you're hungry. it's quite another to medicate yourself with food.

though i struggled today (and still am), i have so far been able to put the food down and walk away. it's so hard, but as I read psalms today, God reassured me he has heard me today.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

transparent about my struggles with weight...how fun.

there are a lot of things in my life that i'm happy with, but my weight, eating habits and lack of exercising are not among them. also i haven't been reading my Bible like i would like. i read on occasion, but my taking 6 classes this semester has taken my attention away from reading the Bible and towards reading textbooks...a lot.

i have, however, talked to God a lot more this year. i'm chalking that up to those long commutes to and from atlanta. i quit calling it prayer these days. for whatever reason, i'm more comfortable with saying i'm having a chat with God. so it's not all bad.

but now it's time for change. i read a quote the other day about how it's not our lack of self-control but our not being ready for change that keeps us worshiping the status quo god.

i hate to admit it: but i overeat because i want to, and i don't exercise because i don't want to. i think that's called...(gulp) rebellion (at least for me). that needs to change, but i've had a problem wanting to change. i feel awful afterwards, and i swear i'm going to change. and then i don't. i haven't been ready to change.

i wish i could say that tonight i'm making my declaration to change, but to be honest, i don't trust myself to say that and mean it.

i know i need to continue my journey. i've worked through forgiving a whole lot of people and situations though i have a few ongoing that i need to readdress, and i've shared that journey of healing and wholeness. i guess i should share this other broken part of me. i know i'm not the only one who struggles with weight and overeating.

i wish this weren't true about me, but it is. this could get ugly. in fact, i know it's ugly. and i've tried to hide it far too long. it's time to shine the light on this darkness and deal with it. i hope i'm ready for this.