wake up

i got overly confident after having a couple of good days of not overeating. i slipped into a mindset of ... yeah, i can have that. i've been doing well. i deserve it.

guess what happened. yep. the weight quit coming off.

i realized that i need to wake up and be aware of my situation. i can't cruise through and think i'm just going to magically lose the weight i want. i'm not going to go to sleep and wake up the next morning unattached to food.

this is going to take resolve. i'm going to have to stay awake and aware.

i also need to remind myself that i deserve better than to overeat. i deserve to be free from the pull of the refrigerator. God loves me, and his desire is that i live a free and abundant life.

this week my goal is to stay awake.

food was meant for the stomach, not for the heart

we all have holes in our souls, places that are incomplete, damaged, ravenous even. last night, as i tossed and turned, i felt God showing me some holes in my own soul.

every time i start a journey, God visits with me and reveals areas of hurt, unforgiveness and insecurity. i realize this is necessary, but it is very uncomfortable and sometimes unnerving when God shines light on my darkness forcing me to acknowledge its presence.

what does this have to do with overeating? for me...just about everything.

i eat to satisfy my hunger. i overeat to satisfy the longings of my soul. food has a numbing affect. some people turn to alcohol. i turn to food. when the binge is over, i feel guilty. i feel incomplete. the food doesn't magically make my life better. it doesn't heal my soul or fill the holes in it. it makes it worse.

today i stuggled. i have fought back tears. i have run to food many times today outside the boundaries of hunger so that i could fill my longing heart, but i can't feed my heart with food. it's one thing to feed your stomach when you're hungry. it's quite another to medicate yourself with food.

though i struggled today (and still am), i have so far been able to put the food down and walk away. it's so hard, but as I read psalms today, God reassured me he has heard me today.

transparent about my struggles with weight...how fun.

there are a lot of things in my life that i'm happy with, but my weight, eating habits and lack of exercising are not among them. also i haven't been reading my Bible like i would like. i read on occasion, but my taking 6 classes this semester has taken my attention away from reading the Bible and towards reading textbooks...a lot.

i have, however, talked to God a lot more this year. i'm chalking that up to those long commutes to and from atlanta. i quit calling it prayer these days. for whatever reason, i'm more comfortable with saying i'm having a chat with God. so it's not all bad.

but now it's time for change. i read a quote the other day about how it's not our lack of self-control but our not being ready for change that keeps us worshiping the status quo god.

i hate to admit it: but i overeat because i want to, and i don't exercise because i don't want to. i think that's called...(gulp) rebellion (at least for me). that needs to change, but i've had a problem wanting to change. i feel awful afterwards, and i swear i'm going to change. and then i don't. i haven't been ready to change.

i wish i could say that tonight i'm making my declaration to change, but to be honest, i don't trust myself to say that and mean it.

i know i need to continue my journey. i've worked through forgiving a whole lot of people and situations though i have a few ongoing that i need to readdress, and i've shared that journey of healing and wholeness. i guess i should share this other broken part of me. i know i'm not the only one who struggles with weight and overeating.

i wish this weren't true about me, but it is. this could get ugly. in fact, i know it's ugly. and i've tried to hide it far too long. it's time to shine the light on this darkness and deal with it. i hope i'm ready for this.

personal: diet

i've chosen to follow the "weigh down" principles of weight loss. it's like this: you get to eat what you want as long as you eat only when you're hungry and stop when you get full. it also has a spiritual aspect. many of us have holes in our souls. i am no different. i try to fill my holes with food. the problem is food doesn't fill those holes. the food just makes me fat. i'm an emotional eater, so this is a problem. i need to turn to GOD to fill those holes for me, not food.



i've been doing this for 2 days now. it hasn't been too hard yet, although it's had its moments. there are times when i'm not hungry, but i want to eat anyway. i'm feeling that right now, as a matter of fact.



i'm just bored. normally, i'd find something to snack on, and before i realized it, that snack would have turned into a bigger snack. that adds up to a lot of calories that i didn't need to have.



i know this approach works. my lowest weight as a mom came when i did weigh down. i was in a size 6. then i got pregnant, and i went back to my bad habits. bye-bye size 6!



i don't know if i'll get back down to that, but i must get control over my emotional eating. one day at a time! and if that's too much...one hour at a time!

transformation: emotional eating

got to confess. today was a little more challenging on my journey to transformation. i found it very painful to eat only one serving of my yummy dark chocolate with orange and almond slivers. dang! but i did it! it's wrapped up very nicely in a bag and is resting in the pantry. my heart is screaming for it, but i have to remind myself that my heart will not be satisfied with chocolate or food of any kind. my stomach is satisfied. it desires no more food. once again, i'm trying to fill a void in my heart with food. GOD, please fill my heart with you. my heart yearns for something. emotional eating only makes me feel guilty and packs the weight on. give me strength to pull away from the call of the chocolate. i know this sounds silly, but i am dead serious right now. i don't ever want to be a slave to food again. fill my heart with peace.