Saturday, June 4, 2011

what lies beneath

most of an iceberg is found beneath the water's surface, and most of what is real about a person is found underneath layers of skin.

as much i try to be real and transparent, i have parts of myself that i keep hidden away. i won't share these places with anyone. i've become very good at pushing them deeper and deeper. sometimes i even forget they are there.

i feel as if God places a mirror in front of me, and no matter where i turn that mirror is always before me. i can't look away. i am forced to see myself. but unlike mirrors that only show the exterior, God's mirrors reveal what lies beneath.

i see the pain i've buried in the corner of my heart, the hate i've crumpled up and swept to the side, the sins i've attempted to whitewash so they don't look so hideous.

and i confess. the words, the emotions rush past my lips with the force of a mighty waterfall.

Here's My Heart

I usually don't like myself very much during the times when God is purifying my heart.These times are both sweet and frustrating. It's a love-hate situation. I love getting closer to God and being a better person, but I hate how I feel during the process. I hate the ugliness that surfaces. I don't want to admit it's there.

I'm not going to lie about it. It scares me. I'm always afraid God is going to ask too much of me. What if I fall short? What if I don't live up to his expectations of me? What if I can't be who he wants me to be?

I have an anxious heart. I feel overwhelmed. There's so much that needs to change in me. Where do I start?

It's silly. I can't help but think that if God knew the real me, he wouldn't like me very much. I don't want him to see my imperfections. But God already knows everything about me. Nothing is hidden from him.

I realize this process would go much more quickly and easily if I would just let go of those things I work so hard to keep from him.

By now I should know better than to think he'll disown me if I'm not perfect. It's his grace and mercy that compel me to yield my will and stubborn heart. No one wants what's best for me more than God, yet I am afraid.

God, change my anxiety to peace, my fear to trust, my insecurity to expectation. Calm my heart. Relax my grasp. Open my mind. Reveal your glory through my brokenness. Here I am. I am yours.