a new chapter: self-improvement

it appears the more you work on yourself, the more work you realize you have yet to do. there are so many areas in which i need to improve that i get a little overwhelmed just thinking about it. i see another list coming in my future. this time it's not a "to forgive" list but a self-improvement list.

but an update on the "to forgive" list might be in order. my list is down to 6 entries. 4 of them are about the same situation. so really, i only have 3 situations left. and 2 are probably really close to being dealt with. i usually am a little slow at marking things off. i want to be sure. i really hate having to add them back again. i am happy and surprised at how well i've reacted in the presence of those who have formerly been on my list. i don't get that rise of anger anymore, and when i feel it coming, i make it a point to remind myself i've forgiven them, so i can't use the offense against them anymore.

now onto more self-improvement. i've got areas that i need to put in check, while there are other areas in which i need to develop healthy habits. so, that means i'll be blogging forever. =)

thoughts for today

not really sure what to say, but just in the mood to write. so what's in my heart this morning? a lot. probably too much. feels like an a.d.d. day. this i know...i'm thankful for the peace in my heart today. there's a lot more peace these days. i've really surprised myself at how much anxiety and unforgiveness i've let go of lately. i owe so much of that to GOD's grace and patience. i haven't "arrived," and i'm far from perfect. but at least i feel like i'm going somewhere now. i feel like these last few years i've been barely able to tread water. good enough to stay afloat. now i feel like i'm swimming. now i'm not stuck. i'm making progress. not real sure where i'm heading but trusting that GOD knows and that he's leading me.

thank you, GOD, for...

GOD,

i just wanted to take a few minutes to tell you thanks.

thank you for my cat, fluffy, who i trust you will heal b/c she's not feeling well right now. thank you for ebony and the time we got to spend with him. he was such a crazy cat, and i so miss him.

thank you for a hubby who loves me and our kids. thank you for his job, even though it can get a little stressful and long sometimes. i am glad he gets to participate in his kids' lives like he does.

thank you for my matthew, jonathan, lily and katy. they're good kids, and i'm really proud of them and of who they are becoming. i pray that their desire is to live for you and make a difference in this world.

thank you for my life. there were times in the past that i couldn't say that. thank you for sticking by me when i wanted to give up. thanks for loving me so much and for healing what's broken inside me.

thank you for my friends. some are closer than others. some are forever. some are for a season. thank you for them all. thank you for my enemies. i learn a lot from them. i learn a lot about myself through them. i learn a lot about grace and forgiveness because of them. bless my friends and enemies alike.

thank you for extended and honorary family members.

thank you for the good times. thank you for the bad. both teach me about you. both teach my about me. thank you that you are good regardless of the circumstances in my life.

thank you for the air i breathe, the colors i see, the aroma of fall, the rain that replenishes, all the things i take for granted. open my eyes and my heart that all those and more will become more real and alive than ever before.

thank you for my future. i know you have plans for me. help me accomplish those plans with humility and fearlessness.

i do ask some things from you: a genuine smile, a content and compassionate heart, wide-eyed and twinkling eyes, helping and caring hands, innocent and harmless motivations. help me walk in forgiveness and give me love that will melt away fear and cover a mulititude of sins and shortcomings. make me like you.

thank for all this and so much more.

amen!

quick thoughts on the season

my heart is feeling more at peace. i had a minor setback last night, but my recovery time was quicker. so i must be getting better? i think so.

i am glad that my family is at home from school/work this week. my favorite time of the year has always been christmas, but my kids seem to prefer thanksgiving over all other holidays. i'm sure the annual family turkey bowl football game has a lot to do with that.

i am so thankful for my family. and i am thankful for the peace in my heart. i haven't felt this much peace in years. i owe that to GOD. i've still got a long way to go, but i know i've come a long way.

GOD, help me to always be mindful of your graciousness and goodness. without you, i am nothing.

new direction...feels better than Christmas

a while back, GOD started showing me a different direction for my life and ministry. i'm in the time of preparation currently, and it is definitely a challenging time for me. i am working on a ministry to women, specifically young women; and my mission is to empower them to lead with humility and fearlessness. as a result, i'm really being challenged in the areas of humility, fearlessness and forgiveness.

this week has seen more than a few challenges, but with the help of the word of GOD and some godly friends, i am getting through this. i have felt bogged down with all the baggage i've been carrying, and each day sees more freedom. that freedom does not come easily.

pride is a very broad subject and comes in many forms. my biggest struggle right now with pride is my thinking i can do "it" on my own, that i can hold on to things that actually belong to GOD. i guess when it comes down to it, i feel i can do a better job with my life than he can. the contrary is a difficult lesson to learn. most of my pride comes in the form of unforgiveness and a desire for retribution. i guess i've thought that GOD didn't understand and wouldn't know what to do. how silly to think such nonsense.

fearlessness...i have had so much fear in my life. to be fearless means you are courageous. i've been hiding behind my defense mechanisms. i've heard others describe me at times as being bold and courageous, but i never really see it. i guess it's because i know my thoughts and emotions and my history. why GOD would ask me to help others be fearless...huh, i guess he means what he said in 1 Corinthians 1 about him using what others think of as foolish and feeble to confound the wise and powerful.

my heart is being cleaned of the sludge of unforgiveness, pride and cowardice. i feel like i'm moving ahead with GOD's plans for my life. and now i can feel excited about this new chapter...it's kind of like Christmas...only better.

"write but don't send"

i did what i needed to do yesterday. i wrote a letter to those left on my "to forgive" list. it's one of those "write but don't send" kind of letters...at least not in that form. in it, i gave an explanation and my own apology. i felt good immediately. and it was just in time. i saw a few of them last night. but this time i treated them like i wish they had treated me and my family. i can't trust that their nice responses were genuine. i'm pretty sure that at least one of them wasn't. i heard her complain about someone in my family again. i'm not sure how long i'll be able to show mercy if that continues. however, i am not going to do anything about that at this time. in praying for them like the Bible says to do, i've started asking that GOD heal what's not whole in them. the truth is that if they were whole and fulfilled, they would have never behaved in such a deplorable manner. they must have brokenness, too. i was proud of the way i handled myself. i still am choosing not to put myself back into a situation where they can use and abuse, but i can be "shrewd as a snake and harmless as a dove." to me, that means to love from a distance.

the last entries

i keep getting all these devotionals and messages and blogs in which people are discussing forgiveness. as much as i am familiar with the process, i must confess that i have needed each and every one of those words. i am really struggling with those last few entries on my "to forgive"list. i hate having to admit that, but to surpress it would be wrong and damaging.

i have a difficult time being around people who are duplicitous and unjust. all those left on my list fall into both those categories. it angers me every time they flash a smile and try to be nice to our faces. why? because i've seen them do that before, yet as soon as we or someone else they consider inferior turn their backs, those people begin the backstabbing, gossip and belittling. i can't trust them. just recently, i saw this done again to my family. it makes me angry all over again. i struggle with confronting them b/c i'm afraid it will only make things worse. but i can't seem to act like i never knew this all happened.

i want to be obedient. i want to be able to pray for those who spitefully use us and say unkind things about us behind our backs. i want to be blameless and walk in peace, but my lingering unforgiveness is making me as much at fault as they are. my heart is torn. if i have to be honest, i'd have to say that not only do i completely abhor what they've done and their ways and means of getting their agendas met, but i believe i hate them personally. i don't want that. why is this so hard? i know i should leave the vengeance to GOD, but i so want them to pay...and the sooner the better. i hate feeling that way as much as i hate those people. something's got to give.

i know what i need to do, and i can't move on until i do it. GOD, give me the courage to do what is right and what brings peace and unity. help me do my part to live at peace with everyone. i can't make them do the right thing. i question whether or not they actually have a conscience. but i do. i can't feel my way into doing what i need to do. i guess this is where faith and obedience is going to have to guide me.