wake up

i got overly confident after having a couple of good days of not overeating. i slipped into a mindset of ... yeah, i can have that. i've been doing well. i deserve it.

guess what happened. yep. the weight quit coming off.

i realized that i need to wake up and be aware of my situation. i can't cruise through and think i'm just going to magically lose the weight i want. i'm not going to go to sleep and wake up the next morning unattached to food.

this is going to take resolve. i'm going to have to stay awake and aware.

i also need to remind myself that i deserve better than to overeat. i deserve to be free from the pull of the refrigerator. God loves me, and his desire is that i live a free and abundant life.

this week my goal is to stay awake.

food was meant for the stomach, not for the heart

we all have holes in our souls, places that are incomplete, damaged, ravenous even. last night, as i tossed and turned, i felt God showing me some holes in my own soul.

every time i start a journey, God visits with me and reveals areas of hurt, unforgiveness and insecurity. i realize this is necessary, but it is very uncomfortable and sometimes unnerving when God shines light on my darkness forcing me to acknowledge its presence.

what does this have to do with overeating? for me...just about everything.

i eat to satisfy my hunger. i overeat to satisfy the longings of my soul. food has a numbing affect. some people turn to alcohol. i turn to food. when the binge is over, i feel guilty. i feel incomplete. the food doesn't magically make my life better. it doesn't heal my soul or fill the holes in it. it makes it worse.

today i stuggled. i have fought back tears. i have run to food many times today outside the boundaries of hunger so that i could fill my longing heart, but i can't feed my heart with food. it's one thing to feed your stomach when you're hungry. it's quite another to medicate yourself with food.

though i struggled today (and still am), i have so far been able to put the food down and walk away. it's so hard, but as I read psalms today, God reassured me he has heard me today.

transparent about my struggles with weight...how fun.

there are a lot of things in my life that i'm happy with, but my weight, eating habits and lack of exercising are not among them. also i haven't been reading my Bible like i would like. i read on occasion, but my taking 6 classes this semester has taken my attention away from reading the Bible and towards reading textbooks...a lot.

i have, however, talked to God a lot more this year. i'm chalking that up to those long commutes to and from atlanta. i quit calling it prayer these days. for whatever reason, i'm more comfortable with saying i'm having a chat with God. so it's not all bad.

but now it's time for change. i read a quote the other day about how it's not our lack of self-control but our not being ready for change that keeps us worshiping the status quo god.

i hate to admit it: but i overeat because i want to, and i don't exercise because i don't want to. i think that's called...(gulp) rebellion (at least for me). that needs to change, but i've had a problem wanting to change. i feel awful afterwards, and i swear i'm going to change. and then i don't. i haven't been ready to change.

i wish i could say that tonight i'm making my declaration to change, but to be honest, i don't trust myself to say that and mean it.

i know i need to continue my journey. i've worked through forgiving a whole lot of people and situations though i have a few ongoing that i need to readdress, and i've shared that journey of healing and wholeness. i guess i should share this other broken part of me. i know i'm not the only one who struggles with weight and overeating.

i wish this weren't true about me, but it is. this could get ugly. in fact, i know it's ugly. and i've tried to hide it far too long. it's time to shine the light on this darkness and deal with it. i hope i'm ready for this.

to faith

tough day... final exams. storm ripped through the area last night. my sister's birthday.

faith would have been 34 today. i don't always remember these days, but it shook me a little this time.

she was 6 when she passed. brain tumor. i was 8.

i hardly remember her now. it's been so long.

this is going to be short. i just needed to acknowledge her today. i needed to remember.

happy birthday, faith. i know i didn't tell you this enough. we were just kids. and kids think life goes on forever. had i known...i would have told you one more time. i love you.

Keepin Us Honest

The other day I talked with a friend after class. She and I are the same age, and both of us are married. We actually have quite a bit in common.

In the course of our conversation, we drifted to politics. She has it in for fundamentalists, and I have a feeling she has a good reason. I responded that someone needs to keep them honest. ...and that's true.

We all need people in our lives to keep us honest.

We may not like what others have to say when they criticize or disagree with us, but we need to listen.

And we need to be respectful and openminded.

When we quit listening to other points of view, when we quit associating with people different from us, we tend to become closeminded and inward-focused...and in some cases, condescending and downright mean.

People who disagree with us or ask us questions keep us on our toes.

That's not a negative thing. Instead, it's quite positive. It's good for us.

At times, we'll engage in debate. But there are rules.

• Seek first to understand rather than to be understood, so spend more time listening than talking
• At least consider the possibility you might be wrong
• Be willing to agree to disagree
• Be respectful; no name-calling
• Don't put words in the other person's mouth or assume you know where they stand
• Do your homework before engaging in debate. You lose credibility when you don't know what you're talking about or rely on what someone said someone else said...or wrote

With that said, let the conversations and healthy exhanges begin.

what's next?

I was so disappointed earlier this week. I was trying to get a local internship, but I didn't get it. Though my resume was impressive, they decided to go with someone else. Bummer...

I searched for others, but all of them are in Atlanta or farther...with no pay. Again, bummer...

Then I started thinking that maybe God's got a better plan. I do have a plan B that I'm not too disappointed to go with.

And then tonight, my friend Dusty Takle posted a quote from Steven Furtick, "The good thing didn't happen so that the better thing could."

Maybe that's God's way of letting me know that it's all good.

It's difficult when you want something pretty bad and you pray for God's will to be done and what you wanted didn't happen. But I'm all right. OK, so it's my plan B. It very well may have been God's plan A for me. Guess we'll see. =)

It's all good, and for whatever reason, my heart is at peace, happy even. I know God will take care of me and my family.

And I did something exciting tonight...I volunteered to do something at my church later this week. That's a big step, but I'm so ready.

Oh, happy day! Really. I mean it!

Don't Stop

As I'm approaching the end of my first year back at college, I am finding it difficult to keep on going. I think I see a flicker of light at the end of a dark tunnel, but I'm not sure about that. After this semester, I have 2 more semesters to go. I keep telling myself, "One more month till summer. Just one more month. You can do this." And everyday, I feel myself slipping into despair. The end will never come. One month is too long.

Now that I've sufficiently bummed everyone out, I will try to remedy that. I have come to realize that those are the times I need to take a deep breath and tell myself to just get through the day. That's it. That's all. Just one day. That day turns into two and then three until Thursday afternoon arrives marking the end of another week and bringing me one week closer to graduation.

I could give up. I did take a weekend off from studying. What an attitude I had, too! I'm NOT going to study. I HATE school. I'm NOT going to be responsible. ...and I sat on my sofa and played computer games all weekend. Monday rolled around, and I got my butt in gear and studied like there was no tomorrow...well, you know what I mean.

I didn't give up. I took a break. But then I got back in there, and I persevered. It paid off.

My point is that when life gets overwhelming, sometimes you need to take a break and rest for a moment and then suck it up and keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up. It's amazing how you get a little momentum going and before you know it, all is well. Or even if all doesn't turn out well, it's done and you survived. Sometimes that's a major accomplishment.

So...I'm taking my advice tonight. Take a moment and rebel against the system. OK. Now remember your goal. And get back in there and study. You can do this. Just keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up.