Sunday, October 3, 2010

the voice of truth

one day...
i'm singing a corny, happy song, and the next, i'm trying hard not to break down and cry.

i have always been sensitive, too much so. i take things too personally. i fear rejection. i'm introspective to a fault. it's not bad to be sensitive. it's normal to not want to be rejected. but seriously, i take it all too far. i realize that. i've worked to change the extreme degree of it, but much to my dismay, i have been unable to change that about myself.

i hear that when you know you haven't done anything, you shouldn't worry about it. that's no consolation to me. i don't know why. it probably has something to do with my being introspective to a fault. when someone is upset with me or mistreats me, the first thing i have always done is wonder, "what did i do? did i say or do something wrong?" maybe that doesn't sound too bad. if more people would ask that of themselves first rather than lash out, maybe the world would be a better place. however, i don't just stop there. whether or not i can identify something, i start playing the tape in my head, "you must have done something. it's your fault. no one likes you."

it's funny how lately GOD has taken many opportunities to have all the christian radio stations at my disposal play the song, "the voice of truth" by casting crowns. i hear it more now than when it was popular and first released. i think he's trying to help me develop a healthier way of dealing with this. for some reason, however, i can't seem to accept that truth.

GOD, don't give up on me. if it's my fault, help me see it and deal with it. if it's not, me see it and deal with it. don't stop telling me words of truth, and help me know when the lies are winning. help me silence them. i could ask you to do it. you probably would. but i want to be a part of the process so that i don't keep ending up here.

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