Friday, October 23, 2009

day one of facing the list

ok. started on that list today. i had some updating to do. that was tough...and enough for today. i added about half a page of situations/people i need to forgive. this is tough stuff. i'm now down to the specific issues i need to work through. oooh, i'm so agitated. those that were already on it...still not ready to cross them off. one may be really close though, so at least there's one positive thing about today's look at the list.

i wish i could say this has gotten easier, that forgiving has gotten down to an easy science. unfortunately, that's not the case. i wish i could say this list will shrink quickly, but i don't think it's gonna. when i look at it, i realize that these are really deep wounds. and most of these will not end in an apology. it's difficult for me to forgive knowing i will never hear the words, "i'm sorry." those 2 words are so under-utilized these days.

this list really makes me angry. it makes me hurt. that's why i don't like being tied to it. i didn't realize just how much journaling and prayer this was going to take. might as well start this with a prayer.

GOD, as i look at this list, i know it's not gonna be easy. i'm really gonna need some help. i believe i'll forgive each and every one, but i can't do it on my own strength. i am very aware of this. honestly, i want vindication. can't lie about that. help me understand that forgiveness doesn't make what they did all right, but it makes me all right and sets me free. this is for me. i can't change what happened. i can't change anyone but me. right now, i could use a little peace in my heart. please take away this agitation. i've got too much to do today to be upset. i'm taking the first step. that's good. at least this time, i'm willing to go there rather than keep it hidden and buried deep inside. thank you for who i'm going to be as a result of dealing with this list.

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