Wednesday, September 29, 2010

vroom vroom! a prayer of desperation!

if something doesn't change, i'm going to be tempted to run them over with my truck!

now how's that for a prayer of desperation!?!?!

GOD, here's the thing. i know that i can't change the ones who appear to have it out for me. i realize that the only thing i have control over is myself and my and even that's questionable most of the time.

it seems that right about the time things should be settling down, i have a moment where i just want to explode. by now, nothing that is said or done should surprise me. they've done about everything. yet i get to the end of my rope, i've had it, and i can't seem to stop myself from finally taking action.

but i don't want to do that this time. i just know in my heart that you're dealing with this junk, and that i don't have to take care of it myself. i know you will handle it. but that doesn't stop me from really getting angry.

i don't want to be angry. i have a feeling that those who have it out for me got angry and got stuck and that's why they do the things they do. i do not want to be like them. life's too short to be that miserable!

i just don't feel like i have it in my power to forgive right now. you know i can't forget. yeah, i know that forgiveness doesn't make what happened all makes me all right. i should be an expert by now, but i'm not. i have no desire to be nice to them. that's what got me into trouble to begin with...on each account going on right now. i still don't get it. i still don't understand. but i'm tired of always asking why. i'm thinking ignorance just might be...bliss.

i'm pretty agitated. i could really use some peace right now, the confidence that comes with knowing you have it all under control and that you've got my back.

so, help me with changing my heart and attitude. keep all this junk minimized. i do see it spreading, and it pains me to know there's no good way for me to stop it. people just don't fight fair. i don't like how it has affected other areas of my life or other relationships. i don't know why they have it out for me. maybe you can work out a change of heart for them, too. help me learn to love and forgive them. help me learn to pray for them. help me learn to let go. help me learn to move on. and i'll be demolition derby for me!

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