the emotional volcano finally erupted

how do i let go? why can't i let go? why does it make me so angry? why do i care what any of them do, say or think? they shouldn't even be on my radar. anyone who goes around doing what was done...they can't possibly be at peace in their lives. why do i let them wreck my own peace?

been trying to work through a situation for a while. i thought i was going to be ok, but i'm not. i can't let go of the hurt that was caused. i can't forgive the offenders. i don't like who i become when i am confronted with those people. they just don't get it. i know i hurt myself by not letting it go, but i want to scream from the top of lungs! no one seems to get that it was wrong. or either they just don't care. it's not right. it's not fair. it's a grave injustice. and no one seems to get that! it's not ok. and no one stood up and did the right thing. and i was silenced. and i hate that as much as i hate what happened. and it just keeps going. and it won't stop. what was is still not enough. the whispers continue, the snide remarks, the entitled get their way, and no one stops to think. no one stops to consider. they did what they thought they had to do. and it hurt. and it left a wake. and no one gets it. or no one cares. it just is.

GOD, i'm angry at you 2. why didn't you stop it? why didn't you scream until someone with a conscience listened? or did you, but they shut their ears? why do bad things happen to good people? and good things happen to bad people? why can't you make my pain go away? i tried saying the words...i forgive...and nothing happened. i tried it again. and again. and again. nothing. or so it seems. does it have to get this bad for me to finally let go? do you get it? please. help. me. make this darkness go away. let the morning bring a new start. let the dawn chase away my pain and anger. peace. that's what i want. yet it seems to elude me. they don't have the right to keep my peace away from me. why did i let them have it? how do i get it back?

gchs girls varsity basketball team

i had a great time tonight at the girls' varsity game. we have all of 6 girls on the team this year, and though they haven't won much, it's been a good year.

tonight they made school history. we joined gisa 4 years ago, and this is the first time that we have won a basketball play-off game as a gisa school. i'm glad that honor went to them. they have played their hearts out this season.

and we believe this is the beginning of something great this year. tomorrow, they are scheduled to play arlington, which is by far the best team we've seen. chances are tomorrow will be their last game...unless something extraordinary happens. no matter what happens, they have gotten the winning tradition started in this year's regional tournament. we believe our school will go far and that the boys will continue this winning tradition.

these girls have my admiration. they have held their heads high in defeat, and they have won with grace and sportsmanship. you'd be hard-pressed to find a team with more heart. so, sarah, kellie, caroline, j.t., brittany, leyah and coach melanie...we are proud of you! you have represented our school well! and like we said tonight, "...and david slew the giant!" crazier things have happened! lol! good luck against arlington! i can't wait to cheer you on!

my kids earned it, and i'm proud of that

my kids have had so many transitions in their short life spans. starting over isn't easy. we would know. we've done it a lot. doing government work and ministry will get you transferred more than you might like. we plan to be where we are for a while. it's hard for kids to have to keep starting over once they've gotten older and have established roots in a school.

i've given this a lot of thought over the years, and today i decided to share this. my kids have always played sports, and they've always been the outsiders. it's not easy breaking into sports in a new town, especially a small one. yet my kids have always managed to do it. though it wasn't fair, i knew my kids would benefit in the long run. they have never made teams or gotten playing time based on who their parents were or how much money we had. they earned it, plain and simple. they did it by working twice as hard as anyone else and by maximizing their GOD-given abilities. and they shake it off any time someone says otherwise. they know the truth, and that's good enough for them.

and now we see it paying off. my kids are good at what they do, and i make no apologies for that. i know the hours they put into their activities, i see how focused and determined they are, and i know GOD has truly blessed them. i also know GOD will continue to honor their good stewardship of the gifts he has given them and their hard work. i am proud of my kids, and i thank GOD that he gave me the privilege of having a role in their lives.

momma's proud of you, matthew, jonathan, lily and katy! you deserve the success you have. you've worked hard, and you've earned it! way to go! i love you!

hunger/anxiety

i've done ok these last few days on my weight loss though it has been a challenge. i realized i tend to want to eat more when i'm tired. i've been tired more this week. i'm just not getting enough sleep.

so right at this moment, i am inwardly screaming for something sweet or just another glass of dr pepper cherry. i'm not hungry, but the anxiety in my heart...it's really bad.

oh, GOD, please help me realize that this is not true hunger. and please do something about this anxiety in my heart. help me eat only when i'm truly hungry. and bring peace and wholeness to my heart.

what if churches worked together???

what if churches worked together rather than saw each other as competition? what if they came together to accomplish a common goal rather than live in a constant state of "reinventing the wheel"? what would be the results of this union in our communities?

i'm not saying that we all need to close our doors and become one large church. each church has its unique personality, each appeals to a various group of people, and each has strengths and weaknesses.

i'm just wondering what we could accomplish if we joined forces, brought our strengths and ideas to the table, and put our insecurities and egos aside? what if we became partners in something bigger than ourselves?

personal: diet

i've chosen to follow the "weigh down" principles of weight loss. it's like this: you get to eat what you want as long as you eat only when you're hungry and stop when you get full. it also has a spiritual aspect. many of us have holes in our souls. i am no different. i try to fill my holes with food. the problem is food doesn't fill those holes. the food just makes me fat. i'm an emotional eater, so this is a problem. i need to turn to GOD to fill those holes for me, not food.



i've been doing this for 2 days now. it hasn't been too hard yet, although it's had its moments. there are times when i'm not hungry, but i want to eat anyway. i'm feeling that right now, as a matter of fact.



i'm just bored. normally, i'd find something to snack on, and before i realized it, that snack would have turned into a bigger snack. that adds up to a lot of calories that i didn't need to have.



i know this approach works. my lowest weight as a mom came when i did weigh down. i was in a size 6. then i got pregnant, and i went back to my bad habits. bye-bye size 6!



i don't know if i'll get back down to that, but i must get control over my emotional eating. one day at a time! and if that's too much...one hour at a time!

february's 4 resolutions

january's 4 resolutions:

the good news: i am on track on bible reading, and i got a lot done on ministry stuff. i still have work to do, but it's really an on-going thing.

the bad news: i didn't finish the organizing and decluttering, but i got some done. and the weight? that's the worst. i didn't come close to my goal. but more t come on that later.

my 4 new goals:

• really get to work on my weight loss. i'm planning to follow the "weigh down" principles. main emphasis this month.
• deep clean kitchen, dining room, and take away items for christian women's center
• stay current on bible reading
• continue working on emerge ministry and start getting dates and plan worship sets for home church and emerge

these new ones are pretty much the same as last month's, but my emphasis is changing a bit. i'll be blogging a lot about my weight loss process and progress. this should be interesting.