why? why? why?

i'm really having a rough morning. i woke up angry...angry at a person on my "to forgive" list. and i mean really angry. i sincerely wanted to go beat the crap out of him this morning.

but now, seriously...who am i more mad at...him or me? i think i'm more upset with myself for allowing him to have the power to make me so dang mad. i hate that. why am i finding it so hard to let go? is it that i've suppressed my anger for a while and now it has to surface before i can be free of it? i hope i'm about to be free of this, but i'm not sure. i wonder how i'll react when i see him again around town. i hope i'll be gracious and forgiving, but today i'm not sure. what is it that has made me so angry this morning? i'm not supposed to be there. my time is done. i get that. why can't i forgive this? why would i even WANT to hang on? why is it so important to me to hear the words "i'm sorry"? why don't they ever get spoken? why can't i stop asking why and just learn to accept?

oh, GOD! please make whole whatever this is that keeps me from letting go and moving on. fix this in me. i want to walk in forgiveness and grace, not anger and bitterness. please hear and understand the groaning in my heart. make sense of this. please give me peace and closure, and if it's possible, some degree of understanding. heal my heart. i feel like that egg that i dropped this morning... too broken to salvage it. but you made my heart. you know what it takes to fuse it back together...again.

"don't make me pay for what he did to you"

i was sitting in church this morning. a pastor friend of ours invited us to his church for friend day. sitting there waiting for church to begin, GOD spoke to me. let me explain.

i love madea movies. in one movie (i forget which one), this woman is falling for a guy but is having a hard time being in the relationship. the guy knows it and tells her, "stop making me pay for what he did to you."

that's what GOD told me. he said that's what i'm doing to others in my life. i'm making them pay for what people in my past have done to me. i don't want to be that person. if i'm angry or hurt with someone, i should point my anger or hurt in their direction rather than towards those who are in no way associated with it. better yet, i should forgive and let go...not for the offenders, but for me.

there are people on my list who have no idea that they're there. some don't know, but others don't care. some don't deserve my forgiveness, but really...do any of us? only by the grace of GOD i suppose. i have to forgive for me. i've said over and over again that forgiveness doesn't make what happened ok. forgiveness makes me ok. i don't want my baggage to hurt my present or my future. i have to let go for me.

it's not fair to me or those around me to punish them for what others have done to me. i can't let people have that kind of power over me. so this week, i'm working on my "to forgive" list with that in mind.

GOD, help me to not punish others for the offenses committed against me. i want to be free. i want to have that child-like faith, that child-like innocence. i want to trust. i want to be happy. it's hard to be happy when i'm tired b/c of my baggage weighing me down. forgive me for my unforgiveness which has turned into pride...me thinking i can do it without you. thanks for the service this morning and for the pastor's message. it touched my heart. thanks, mic, and thanks barnesville first assembly.

new things

seasonal depression? hormones? personal issues? who knows, but i've been a little tired and depressed lately. sooo...i went back to doing something that i used to do when i got depressed or lonely for a prolonged period of time. it's something that i recommended to a friend years ago but for different reasons.

"learn something new everyday. do something new every week." it works like a charm. the hard part is getting started. the first is always the hardest, but then i get some momentum and things start looking up. i have personally found that when i begin feeling depressed, i need to do the opposite of what i feel like i want to do. what i want to do is be alone, sleep, etc. what i need is to get outside, do a new thing, do something with a friend, etc.

i've learned and done a lot of new things lately. my new things for the week include going to a store i've never been to before and attending a class on coupons. i learned that publix takes competitor's coupons, found a new "green" flea treatment, how to make popcorn balls, and learned a new memory verse.

little things add up. stretching myself feels good. so, learn something new today or do something you've never done but wanted to.

green-ish update

i haven't written anything recently about my attempts to go green-ish. i admit it. throwing myself into complete green-ness would completely overwhelm me, so i aspire to go green-er.

i've been pretty satisfied with my accomplishments thus far. i recycle our paper and plastics on a regular basis. i can't believe how much that has cut down on our actual trash. i'd recycle more if i knew of a local place that accepted more recyclable items. i've cut down on the amount of disposable items like paper plates, sandwich bags, etc. i sometimes use my reusable grocery bags. i haven't yet found a system that works to remind me to bring them with me when i go to the store, but i still use them on occasion. i still use some disposable items, but i usually find ways of reusing them a second or third time.

i tried toilet paper made from recycled paper last week. it was free with my coupon, so i thought...what the heck...and i gave it a shot. not bad. i was pleasantly surprised. we've cut back on some of our energy and water usages, though i'm not quite as gung-ho as i was at first. i've tried some non-toxic recipes for flea treatments, and to my surprise, they work better. my hubby is even asking about green remedies these days for other ailments and issues.

i'm proud of myself for the small changes i've made and the fact that now some of those changes are permanent. it hasn't been as hard as i thought. little steps add up after a while.

coupon class

i attended a class last night on how to use coupons. i already knew a lot being a devout coupon user, but i learned even more. i'm so glad i went.



here's what i do now:

• i have a binder and put my coupons in baseball card sheets. that way i see what i have.


• i check the sales papers and plan my trips.


• i use internet and e-coupons. register with your grocery store like http://www.kroger.com/ and http://www.pgesaver.com/, and http://www.shortcuts.com/. a lot of stores will let you stack coupons which means you can use manufacturer, store and e-coupons on the same item. internet coupons include coupons.com.


• i clip, clip, clip coupons from the sunday paper...ajc is the best.


• i get updates with http://www.southernsavers.com/, but i'm going to try out http://www.couponmom.com/ and http://www.moneysavingmom.com/ to see if they are better.


• i shop bj's warehouse b/c they take coupons. they also mail out great coupons and i can use my manufacturer coupons on top of their store coupons. also, i can use multiple coupons on the big stuff. i.e...there are 12 frappaccino's in a pack. i have 3 coupons. they are $2 off a 4-pk. i can use all 3!


• i love cvs extra bucks!


• i only shop at places i can get double coupons.

here's what i didn't know or think about:

• pay attention to coupons in the store next to the products.


• ask when they mark down meats and produce. some stores do this in the mornings. and when the new produce comes in, the older produce gets marked down.


• publix takes competitor's coupons (yay!)


• when on long grocery trips, carry a cooler for chilled items


• work with a friend


• save expired coupons. the military can use them for a few months (if anyone does this, i would like more info)


• print out store coupon policy and bring it with you just in case


• make a price book for my regular items so i know how much they are at the stores i shop


• pay attention to end of the season sales


• if it's gonna be free, get it and bless others with it...i really like this one. so now i'm gonna keep all my coupons just in case for this reason.

other things i liked about the class...

• she talked about being honest and nice when using coupons...when i have a lot of merchandise and someone comes behind me with just a few items, i always offer them the chance to go ahead of me. i have won over employees and customers alike with this approach. even better is if i see they have an item for which i have a coupon i'm not using. i love doing that. it gives coupon users a good reputation.


• buy those free items that i don't use and give to others. in this economy, there's not a lot of extra money lying around, but i can use coupons and sales to buy up items for gifts.


• she talked about the proverbs 31 woman...i think she would have used coupons! lol!


• i loved the fellowship. for me, it was like a reunion. i got to see old friends and enjoy their company.

if you have tips, please share! i'm all about saving money these days!!! hope i've been able to help!

honest feelings toward my "to forgive" list

i'm having a hard time with my "to forgive" list. i got this overwhelming feeling this morning as i looked at it. none of these is easy, and i just don't feel like battling with it today.

it's not that i don't want to forgive. i guess i'm not convinced that i can get rid of these feelings i have for some of them. i know. i know. have faith that GOD will help me forgive. rely on his power to forgive. i know. and i've been told, but sometimes, it doesn't feel that easy.

i'm angry at the one who squeezes me out so she can get all the attention, who always seems to want what i have. i'm hurt by the one who chose to support the woman who was lying and trying to turn people against me. he said he had my back, but when it came right down to it, he chose her over me and put me in a really bad situation. i'm upset by the way some people treated my family because they have a sense of entitlement and think that they can treat people however they want in order to get their way. i'm angered by the man with the god-complex who could use a little more humility particularly in his dealings with others. he should quit throwing people under the bus, too. others are learning from his example.

i'm agitated and angry this morning, and i feel like i'll never work through this junk. sometimes, you just feel that way. it seems insurmountable. maybe in an hour or two, those feelings of frustration and helplessness will go away, and i'll begin again. i hope this agitation means that i'm getting close to a breakthrough. sometimes it does.

oh, and btw, don't think you know who i'm talking about. my guess is that you don't. but if you read this and feel guilty or angry, maybe you should apologize to someone. =)

the church is not here for us

The church is not here to meet our needs. We are the church here to meet the needs of the world http://twitter.com/erwinmcmanus

i think this is a great reminder for the church. too often we get lost in our own desires and forget there is a world around us that needs JESUS. i know we start out with good intentions, yet at some point, too many churches eventually lose sight of our mission which is to go into the world and share the good news of CHRIST. instead we start focusing on the trivial things that consider first our comforts and desires. we say we're going to reach out to our community, but before we realize it, we've become inward focused. we get bogged down in programs and budgets and committees. those plans to make a difference in our community fade away. we still think we are involved in the community, but we're not going out there. we begin to shift our perspective and act as if the community should come to us.

we must fight this. we must go. we must not lose our mission. we must not lose our focus. we are the church. we are here for the world.