Tuesday, November 3, 2009

honest feelings toward my "to forgive" list

i'm having a hard time with my "to forgive" list. i got this overwhelming feeling this morning as i looked at it. none of these is easy, and i just don't feel like battling with it today.

it's not that i don't want to forgive. i guess i'm not convinced that i can get rid of these feelings i have for some of them. i know. i know. have faith that GOD will help me forgive. rely on his power to forgive. i know. and i've been told, but sometimes, it doesn't feel that easy.

i'm angry at the one who squeezes me out so she can get all the attention, who always seems to want what i have. i'm hurt by the one who chose to support the woman who was lying and trying to turn people against me. he said he had my back, but when it came right down to it, he chose her over me and put me in a really bad situation. i'm upset by the way some people treated my family because they have a sense of entitlement and think that they can treat people however they want in order to get their way. i'm angered by the man with the god-complex who could use a little more humility particularly in his dealings with others. he should quit throwing people under the bus, too. others are learning from his example.

i'm agitated and angry this morning, and i feel like i'll never work through this junk. sometimes, you just feel that way. it seems insurmountable. maybe in an hour or two, those feelings of frustration and helplessness will go away, and i'll begin again. i hope this agitation means that i'm getting close to a breakthrough. sometimes it does.

oh, and btw, don't think you know who i'm talking about. my guess is that you don't. but if you read this and feel guilty or angry, maybe you should apologize to someone. =)

1 comment:

Emily Case said...

I read once that some of the best ingredients in forgiveness are time and distance. Look at Jacob and Esau. They reconcilled, but only after years of time apart. Time to grow and cool their heels and pray and be mad and feel their feelings. God doesn't want us to supress our feelings, but figure out healthy ways to deal with them. I always say, praying for those who persecute you sometimes means just saying, "God don't let me kill them today!". Its a slow process. Give yourself time and love and space and distance to feel what you're feeling. You'll be able to forgive--but be easy on yourself while you do.