Wednesday, November 11, 2009

it is what it is..finding acceptance

yesterday was rough emotionally for me. as usual, when i'm working on my "to forgive" list, i have some ups and downs. i woke up very angry yesterday, but by the end of the afternoon, i had come to terms with my anger. it's not uncommon to have strong emotions right before you forgive someone. it's like it all has to come to the surface before it can be removed.

i can't say that i understand why he did what he did. i can't say that i understand why he didn't do what he didn't do. i may never have the answers. i may never get my well-deserved apology, but i think i've accepted that. i think i feel free to move on. i didn't remove his name from my list. i want to give it a few more days.

however, i did remove a few names this week. i think i just needed to accept that "it is what it is." i can't change the past. it's done. i'm a little curious as to how i'll react if i see them, but i think i can be gracious and forgiving.

i did receive an email from someone today who is on my list. i sent back a nice reply. no zingers. no twisting of words. and there was no rise of anger. could i have forgiven yet another? could it be??? =) she was kind of the force behind a lot of my problems recently. i just had to separate myself from her. you know, keep a safe distance. i'm surprised that i'm not hurt by her and angry at her. i have a right to be, but i honestly, truthfully, sincerely blessed her today. i feel really good about being able to do that.

some people hurt and blame others b/c they themselves are hurting deep inside. they get stuck. i certainly understand. i, too, have been there. though it was personal, in a way, i don't think i should take it personally. sometimes we hurt others who have nothing to do with what is really bothering us, but we take it out on whoever is around. this is a case where extra grace is required on my end. i pray she finds peace, healing and acceptance. i would hope that extra grace and prayer would be extended to me by those i've hurt.

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