Tuesday, November 10, 2009

why? why? why?

i'm really having a rough morning. i woke up angry...angry at a person on my "to forgive" list. and i mean really angry. i sincerely wanted to go beat the crap out of him this morning.

but now, seriously...who am i more mad at...him or me? i think i'm more upset with myself for allowing him to have the power to make me so dang mad. i hate that. why am i finding it so hard to let go? is it that i've suppressed my anger for a while and now it has to surface before i can be free of it? i hope i'm about to be free of this, but i'm not sure. i wonder how i'll react when i see him again around town. i hope i'll be gracious and forgiving, but today i'm not sure. what is it that has made me so angry this morning? i'm not supposed to be there. my time is done. i get that. why can't i forgive this? why would i even WANT to hang on? why is it so important to me to hear the words "i'm sorry"? why don't they ever get spoken? why can't i stop asking why and just learn to accept?

oh, GOD! please make whole whatever this is that keeps me from letting go and moving on. fix this in me. i want to walk in forgiveness and grace, not anger and bitterness. please hear and understand the groaning in my heart. make sense of this. please give me peace and closure, and if it's possible, some degree of understanding. heal my heart. i feel like that egg that i dropped this morning... too broken to salvage it. but you made my heart. you know what it takes to fuse it back together...again.

2 comments:

kbonikowsky said...

A GREAT book you may want to check out is called A Tale of three Kings by Gene Edwards. I found it very helpful in dealing with wrongs done to me by other believers.

hope hammond said...

thanks! i'll check that out. seems like i've heard of it before.