Wednesday, January 6, 2010

personal: i am determined

i think i've found a kindred spirit in the book of job. i have felt much of the anguish he expressed. it's all too familiar. don't get me wrong. i am not nearly the person he was nor have i experienced the depth of pain and loss, but i know those feelings well nonetheless.

though i haven't finished reading his story this time, i know that it ends well. there is hope for me, i know. and i am determined to be happy and fulfilled.

these last few years have been tough. i've been wounded, gotten bitter, seen my anger turn into hatred. but last year, i started a journey to become whole, to love, to find peace. i'm more aware when i have my porcupine quills out, so i try to chill and allow people to get close to me. i've noticed that my heart closes up when i fear being hurt. i'm finally at a place where i can stop midstream and evaluate my reactions and in many cases try to react in healthier, more positive ways. i don't always succeed, but at least i'm aware. that's a huge step for me.

i am still trying to find my place in the world. i'm still looking for the place i belong. i'm having visions of the show "cheers" where everybody knows your name. i know how that feels. i lived that for a while, and now i know i'm missing it. i want that again.

i feel like i've dug out the bitterness and woundedness, and now i have divots in my heart. now it's time to fill those holes with happiness and peace. i am determined that i will this year. i can feel it. this will be a good year for me. by the end of 2010, i will no longer be living in a deficit. my life will be overflowing and at peace, and i'll be able to give that peace and fulfillment and happiness to others around me. i am determined.

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