Hope Discovers The Action of Non-Action

My husband is not a complicated man, yet he perplexes me and has done so for years.

I am a woman of action in most circumstances. If something needs to be said, I say it. Since I don't have much of a filter, that gets me into trouble sometimes, but at least the elephant in the room gets a 'shout out.' If something needs to be done, I don't wait for permission. I get to work. Sometimes I get bogged down because I see so many things that need my attention, but at least someone is doing something.

And then there's that laid-back, go-with-the-flow husband of mine who sometimes seems blissfully ignorant of the stress and problems that surrounds us. He's calm. He's patient. He smiles. He's content. He listens. He considers.

He doesn't react. And that has driven me crazy for years! To say that I have been befuddled is quite the understatement. I am animated enough for the both of us I suppose, but in some of the circumstances we've been in, I just could not understand for the life of me how he could just NOT react!

And then I met a Hindu and a Buddhist while in college in my religious studies courses. And I began to understand. Now I am no expert on these religions. Not even close. But over the course of a couple of semesters, I came to understand a little bit about the action of non-action. In Christianity, we have a similar teaching for this. James 1:19 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

It's not non-action. It doesn't mean you don't do anything because you're lazy and apathetic. It's more like the 'action of non-action.' It takes discipline. It takes practice...for some of us, more than others. It takes a conscious decision. And it can be powerful.

My husband and I actually put this into practice together a while back. We had a situation arise, and we both made the decision to not engage. We chose to take the course of non-action. He took the lead because he is the more experienced one in this area. And I was simply astounded! I watched as situations unfolded and worked themselves out. There were times I wanted to intervene, but I chose not to. I did vent to some trusted friends, though. The weight of the world did not rest on my shoulders, and my stress level was minimal. It worked itself out before my very eyes! Now I prayed like crazy during this time, but chose not to act because it wasn't the right thing to do here.

Now is this how things normally happen when you choose the action of non-action? I don't know. I am new to this. Does this mean you should never react? I don't think so. I think there is a balance. I think discernment is needed.

As I look back on my parenting style, I realize I kind of did this with my kids. There were many times, I didn't react. I stepped back and let them learn on their own. I let them realize there were consequences to their actions. I let them learn responsibility. I let them learn social skills. But there were times I had to intervene. It took some practice, but I eventually learned when to act and when not to. My kids have turned out pretty good. I can't complain. I really can't.

So maybe I'm not too bad at this action of non-action after all, but I still don't hold a candle to my husband. There is hope for me, though I don't see myself choosing the action of non-action when I witness the injustices of referees on a basketball court. Baby steps. One thing photography has taught me is that I don't have to know everything or be perfect at everything, I just have to be better than last week. I think I might can manage that.

To actively act or to non-actively act...yes, that is the question. God, grant me the wisdom to know when to apply each in my life.

Growing Old Gracefully

As I grow older and experience more of life, I find it increasingly challenging to keep a soft heart. Reasons to be disillusioned, negative and closed off loom in various places, and those places seem to multiply at a rapid pace.

And that's a problem for me because I envision myself growing old gracefully, embracing life and living to the fullest. When I close my eyes, I see a vivacious, smiling, seasoned woman surrounded by friends and family...and lots and lots of grandchildren.

Allowing myself to be distracted by challenges, inconveniences and negativity threatens my dream of blissful existence.

A few years ago, I met a woman with many years behind her. It's safe to say she's seen a lot that could make her disillusioned, bitter and cold; yet she smiles more than anyone else I've ever known. As she speaks to others, her love and enthusiasm spread in a splendidly contagious way. People leave her presence feeling better about the world and life in general.

She says her body doesn't work like it use to, but that's okay because every day is a gift from God. She feels blessed to be alive.

She has a soft heart. She's who I want to be: a gracious, kind, loving and splendidly contagious woman.

I heard her tell someone once that she just loves life, she loves children, and she is grateful for all her many blessings.

Perhaps gratitude is the key: thanking God for all the blessings and for all the challenges. Perhaps bliss is a result of surrendering our circumstances to God and trusting that he's working it all out for our good.

I can't always choose my surroundings, but I can choose to be grateful. I can't always choose my path, but I can choose to trust God with my unknowns.

And as I grow older and my body gradually stops working like it used to, I can smile a genuine smile knowing that though my heart is aging, it's as soft as it's ever been. And perhaps I'll serve as inspiration to another generation to love, laugh and cherish life.

what's next?

I was so disappointed earlier this week. I was trying to get a local internship, but I didn't get it. Though my resume was impressive, they decided to go with someone else. Bummer...

I searched for others, but all of them are in Atlanta or farther...with no pay. Again, bummer...

Then I started thinking that maybe God's got a better plan. I do have a plan B that I'm not too disappointed to go with.

And then tonight, my friend Dusty Takle posted a quote from Steven Furtick, "The good thing didn't happen so that the better thing could."

Maybe that's God's way of letting me know that it's all good.

It's difficult when you want something pretty bad and you pray for God's will to be done and what you wanted didn't happen. But I'm all right. OK, so it's my plan B. It very well may have been God's plan A for me. Guess we'll see. =)

It's all good, and for whatever reason, my heart is at peace, happy even. I know God will take care of me and my family.

And I did something exciting tonight...I volunteered to do something at my church later this week. That's a big step, but I'm so ready.

Oh, happy day! Really. I mean it!

Don't Stop

As I'm approaching the end of my first year back at college, I am finding it difficult to keep on going. I think I see a flicker of light at the end of a dark tunnel, but I'm not sure about that. After this semester, I have 2 more semesters to go. I keep telling myself, "One more month till summer. Just one more month. You can do this." And everyday, I feel myself slipping into despair. The end will never come. One month is too long.

Now that I've sufficiently bummed everyone out, I will try to remedy that. I have come to realize that those are the times I need to take a deep breath and tell myself to just get through the day. That's it. That's all. Just one day. That day turns into two and then three until Thursday afternoon arrives marking the end of another week and bringing me one week closer to graduation.

I could give up. I did take a weekend off from studying. What an attitude I had, too! I'm NOT going to study. I HATE school. I'm NOT going to be responsible. ...and I sat on my sofa and played computer games all weekend. Monday rolled around, and I got my butt in gear and studied like there was no tomorrow...well, you know what I mean.

I didn't give up. I took a break. But then I got back in there, and I persevered. It paid off.

My point is that when life gets overwhelming, sometimes you need to take a break and rest for a moment and then suck it up and keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up. It's amazing how you get a little momentum going and before you know it, all is well. Or even if all doesn't turn out well, it's done and you survived. Sometimes that's a major accomplishment.

So...I'm taking my advice tonight. Take a moment and rebel against the system. OK. Now remember your goal. And get back in there and study. You can do this. Just keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up.

young people know it all...what a relief!

i love college. i really do. i love meeting new people. i love being challenged intellectually. it's a great experience. but there are a few things i'm not fond of. for starters, twenty-year-old snots giving me lectures about the "real world" and their idea that somehow they are intellectually superior as well. i've been a stay-at-home mom for years. i'll admit that i don't have much paid work experience, but that doesn't mean i'm stupid. the majority of stay-at-home moms don't have time to sit in front of the tv all day watching soap operas. we volunteer, we manage households, we become experts in time management, we chauffeur children back and forth, we make appointments, we teach our children, we diagnose ailments, we stay up late working on school projects, we organize activities, we create meals, we purchase goods, we work with other moms and groups of people, and much, much more. we may not get paid, but we certainly aren't stupid. well, guess what...this mom has better grades than you! ha!

call me a goody-goody because i value honesty and reliability. in the real world, i get to keep my job and credibility. call me a suck-up (language cleaned up due to young readers) because i'm nice and respectful to others. in the real world, that behavior gets me respected and furthers my career if i'm sincere, which i am. you may think you know it all, but here's the thing. i got married about the time you were born. i think i have a clue about this real world of which you speak. don't worry about me. i'll be just fine. and when you wonder why i have a smile on my face when you're trying to teach me about the real world, it's because i'm laughing at you on the inside and wondering what adults thought of me when i, too, knew it all.

so... what if you're wrong?

why are we so quick to assume that we are right  and everyone else is wrong? why do we act like we have cornered the market on what is true? why do we think our interpretation is the correct one or better yet, the only one? why do we demonize those with differing opinions?

here's a question...

what if we're wrong?

seriously...what if WE are wrong? what if there are many ways to look at a situation? what if what we thought was black and white turns out to be a beautiful shade of gray? what if there are multiple interpretations of the same text? what if those people who have different opinions are not evil, angry people with agendas?

WHAT IF WE LISTENED TO EACH OTHER AND TOOK TIME TO ASK THE QUESTION: COULD I BE WRONG?

according to research by dave kinneman and gabe lyons in unchristian, christians have an image problem. i'm not surprised by this. i've known it for quite some time. outsiders to christianity between the ages of 16 and 29 were asked about their perceptions of christianity and its followers. here's what they found:

91% see christians as anti-homosexual.
87% see christians as judgmental
85% see christians as hypocritical
78% see christians as sheltered (old-fashioned, out of touch with reality)
75% see christians as too political
70% see christians as proselytizers (insensitive to others, not genuiune)

surprised at how we're perceived?

the one i want to concentrate on is the stat about christians being judgmental. it doesn't surprise me. i used to be very judgmental. i was taught to be. it was considered  a christian virtue in the legalistic circles in which i operated.

and then one day, i had a moment. perhaps it was my own version of the damascus experience that the apostle paul had. WHAT IF I'M WRONG? my whole perspective changed. i began to question everything.  i realized that i had judged people unfairly. i realized that i taken on an attitude that i was somehow superior to others because of what i didn't do, because of what i considered sin. i realized that i didn't hold a monopoly on truth.

i could curse those who believe differently from myself.  why not ask questions and learn from them instead?

i could state emphatically that what i believe is correct and that others' interpretations are in error. why not listen to the opinions of others? why not be open to the fact that i could be wrong or that they could have a valid point?

i could demonize others for pointing out that what i've believed all along has fallacies. why not thank them for their courage to challenge the status quo?

here's the point...we need to listen more and judge less. we need to celebrate our diversity. diversity is beautiful. we need to respect each other more. i've heard it almost a million times it seems...people don't care how much we know until they know how much we care. we earn the right to share our opinions when first we've listened and respectfully acknowledged the opinions of others.

so...what if you're wrong?

rolling with the punches

i received news that i got turned down again for the hope scholarship. i do have some interesting circumstances that make my situation unique; however, reason should win out here nonetheless. so, once again i'm moving on up to the next person with hopes that someone who can extend an exemption will understand and grant it to me.

it's very frustrating. can't lie about that. but i'm not altogether bummed.

GOD keeps sending me little bits of encouragement and perspective. he's quite relentless, to be honest.

songs on the radio saying it's going to be all right, blogs that i subscribe to in my inbox talking about rolling with the punches, quotes regarding flexibility. OKAY, GOD, I GET THE MESSAGE! loud and clear! lol!

so, today, GOD's message to me is to roll with it, i'm guessing.

and roll i did. i guess i'm realizing that life is full of setbacks and disappointments, but that doesn't mean GOD's not actively working on my behalf. i have to trust that he's taking care of me and my situation. this i know: i am learning some valuable lessons about dealing with people in frustrating circumstances, and i must be getting better at pleading my case and winning them over. they seem to want to help me now. i have a feeling it will work out like it should. no need to worry about it. i'll keep doing my part. all i can do is the best i can do. i'll leave the rest to GOD. if the money doesn't come by this way, it will come by another. still praying for favor, GOD! =)

the little "i"

so far no one has asked, but i feel the need to explain anyway.

what am i talking about? my odd capitalization in my blogs.

it's something i do intentionally. it's a spiritual thing for me.

a few years ago, i read a book called i am not but i know i am by louie giglio. it's an excellent book that i highly recommend. the title is a little play on words. GOD is the "i am" in scripture. that makes all the rest of us "i am nots." louie wanted us to always remember the greatness of GOD, and if ever we decide to get the "big head," we should remember, we are "i am nots," the little ones.

i wanted a reminder of that. soooo, i gave it some thought, and the idea hit me, "why not make everything i write lower-case, except for GOD?"

and it has worked. every time i write, i am reminded of the power and big-ness of GOD, and i am reminded with every little "i" of my little-ness.

so the next time i start thinking i've accomplished something great or that i have become something great, i just write a little bit. and before long, i see that "i" am little and "GOD" is the big guy! i am not, but i know i am...very cool. very cool, indeed.

btw, you can check the book out on amazon.

keeping my eyes on the goal

i have truly been loving school, but i have to admit these last 2 days of classes have been kicking my butt. add to that, my financial aid woes are starting to get me down. still praying about that.

one of my professors calls this "fall fever." i call it my "what was i thinking" phase. i know this, too, shall pass. i'm just feeling a little overwhelmed right now as i am studying for tests and starting to write papers.

i knew there would come a time when the new-ness of school would wear off. i knew it would get tough.

and since i knew these times would come, i tried to prepare...

i see myself walking across the stage to receive that paper for which i've long labored. i see myself depositing that first paycheck and taking my family shopping and buying them everything i haven't been able to afford these last few years. i look forward to the day when i can say "yes, you can have that. we have the money for it now." and i can't wait to save a little of each check to give to those in need, especially those in ministry. and so far, those thoughts are getting me through.

it's easy to think that i'm behind the game since i've been out of school for so long. and it's easy to get overwhelmed by those thoughts. but then i look around and see that i'm not the only one not getting a concept. i'm not the only one that looks lost or confused. there are others. and i take comfort in knowing i'm not alone. not to mention, i know i'm smart enough and determined enough to get through this.

so i'm trying to keep focused on the big picture, on the future that awaits me, and not get bogged down in the details.

the way i figure it...it's kind of like the story of peter walking on the water to JESUS. like peter, i got out of the boat. i know there's a storm. and i have a choice: i can keep my eyes on JESUS, where my destination lies or i can get overwhelmed by the storm. i'm trying to keep my eyes focused on my goal, but i do know that if i start to sink, i can count on JESUS to rescue me.

i will be safe in his arms

i was thinking yesterday about how far i've come in the last couple of years. i've carried much baggage over the last decade, and it's not been easy lugging it around. so i decided something had to change. i had to deal with that baggage and begin to rid myself of it.


that's been so hard at times. i cried. i screamed. i ached. i cursed. i threw things. i walked. i wrote. i prayed. i got numb. i accepted. i forgave. i let go. i smiled. i laughed. i experienced peace...finally!

these past couple of weeks have been challenging, as once again, i faced rejection and pain. however, i noticed something different in myself. i didn't have past baggage weighing my present down. it was gone. the hurts from the past weren't around to influence my thinking and my emotional state of being. i didn't relive the past. instead, i dealt with my present. and now i can move on to a blessed and wonderful future.


my favorite song right now is "safe" by phil wickham (check out the link below). "the hands that hold the world are holding your heart." i cry every time i read or hear those lyrics. others don't always take care of our hearts. heck, we don't always take care of our hearts. but GOD, who holds the world, takes care of my heart. he won't betray it, smash it, break it, throw it away. he knows its worth. he knows its value. my heart is precious to him. and he loves me so much that he holds my heart and cares for it when i and others don't.

today, i will be safe in his arms. the hands that hold the world are holding my heart. what a beautiful thought. hmmmm...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6c3CYdqTG8

obstacles are my life

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. ~Fr. Alfred D'Souza

i was looking for a different quote when i came across this one. perfect. exactly what i've been thinking lately. i was feeling the same way...how life was about to begin, and then an obstacle appeared. but then i realized obstacles ARE life. and if life were free from obstacles how boring it would be. it's the wrinkles in life that give it character. it's the wrinkles in life that give US character.

now, drama, i can do without. but i'm learning that when life throws you a curve, you don't have to back out of the batter's box for fear you'll get hit. sometimes, you just need to stay in the box, face it and swing. sometimes, you strike out. sometimes, you hit the ball out of the park. it's all part of the game. it's all part of life.

to move forward, you need to face your past

i've heard many times over to always look ahead and never look back, but sometimes in order to move forward, you need to face your past.

today, i revisited some difficult times from my own past. some memories brought tears to my eyes, but the visit resulted in some good, healthy emotions.

i'm ready to move forward with my life, and many of those experiences have prepared me for my future. if i hadn't gone through what i did, i'm not sure i would have ended up where i am now. as difficult as they were, i think i'm grateful...grateful for who i am as a result of those experiences. or at least grateful they are part of my past and not my present.

i have always tried to hold on to what was good in every bad situation, but now i have plans to turn what was bad into something good.

and today i am at peace with my past. i'm content to let it remain where it is. but i have to say that i am amazed to see where i was in comparison to where i am now. only by the grace of GOD, i s'pose i should say. yeah, only by the grace of GOD.

live intentionally

Life is an arrow – therefore you must know
What mark to aim at, how to use the bow –
Then draw it to the head and let it go!
- Henry Van Dyke

our reality? life is short.

i was hit with that reminder this week with the passing of a friend. and after the initial shock began to wear off, i found myself reflecting on the thought that if i want to live a life of no regrets, i must live intentionally.

i remember being told during my childhood things like..."your room won't clean itself" and "that paper won't write itself." a clean room and a class assignment required effort on my part in order to reach completion. the same applies to a full life. it won't happen unless i decide to do something about it.

people don't know we love them unless we take the time to communicate that to them. relationships don't flourish unless we cultivate them. fences don't get mended unless we tend to them.

phone calls don't get made unless we pick up the phone and dial the number. books never get written if we don't write the first sentence. masterpieces never get painted until we pick up the brush. marathon's don't get run if we never train.

here's the thing...if you don't live YOUR life intentionally, other things and other people will live your life FOR you.

don't let that happen.

here's a thought for reflection: imagine yourself coming to the end of your life. what do you want to have accomplished? what relationships do you want to have intact? what do you want to see when your life flashes before you? now take the steps today that will give you that life. start today. live intentionally.

reflections on plan b

i started reading a book this past week called plan b: what do you do when GOD doesn't show up the way you thought he would? by pete wilson.

i'm only in chapter 2, but already, i'm being affected.

i used to think i had life figured out, that GOD's plans for my life were the plans that i had laid.

and then...BAM! life got turned upside down. life wasn't fair. GOD wasn't fair. i didn't know how to handle that. my plan A went right out the proverbial window. i wasn't sure there was even a plan B.

it has taken me years to learn trust and acceptance and faith. i still don't have it all together. even as i write, my plan A is being shaken up. i have to just shake my head and laugh this time as GOD shows up completely different than i imagined he would. well...on to plan B...again.

i LOVE a book that gives discussion questions/study guides so that i can dig a little deeper. and this book has that. good goin', pete!

so... i guess i have a number of blog topics for a while.

for anyone reading this, i encourage you to answer those questions for yourself...and while you're at it, you might as well grab the book. looks like it's a good one thus far!

i have more to offer than i thought...go figure

a while back, i made the decision to go back to school to pursue a career in public relations. i start in august. guess what i found out?!?

businesses pay BIG BUCKS for stuff i've done for free in churches for years!

i've developed and led ministries, systems and teams, worked to integrate people into churches aka assimilation, assisted and coordinated summer camps, trained leaders, produced children's musicals, worked up outreach plans and radio church ads, worked with revitalization teams. i've worked in various ministries including children, youth, adult, music, hospitality, small groups, and i've assisted my husband with his responsibilities and goals. and with the exception of about a year's time, i've done it on a volunteer basis. ...and i did it with 4 kids and all that comes with being a wife and mom.

i'm not trying to toot my own horn. honest!

here i was thinking that i have zero experience and nothing to offer the world. i think i may have been wrong about that.

what got me thinking about this?

i read an article about stay-at-home parents and job experience and resumes and all that good stuff. there are others who have the same feelings and insecurities as i. we have a lot more to offer than we knew. contrary to what i thought, i have been honing those skills needed for public relations for years.

that suprised me and put a smile on my face.

i'm feeling just a wee bit smarter... and experienced!

and if anyone else is reading this...perhaps you know this feeling. perhaps you feel like you don't have much to offer. my guess is that you're more valuable than you realize.

quit focusing on the storm

so, GOD, i'm feeling a little bit like a failure. i'm having trouble trusting you with a few areas.

it reminds me of when peter attempted to walk on the water to JESUS. he stepped out of the boat while the storm raged all around. instead of keeping his eyes on JESUS, peter turned to look at the waves and began to sink.

i know i should look up, but the waves are distracting me from seeing you, GOD, in all this.

just like you did with peter, you've called me to come out to you. no sooner did i get out of the boat, but i began to sink.

i suppose i should find comfort in knowing that when peter called out to you, you reached to him, pulled him up, and helped him into the boat. all i have to do is call out to you, and you'll do the same for me.

i just feel so bad when i fail. i should be grateful and thankful instead of looking at the storm around me. i guess i'm asking for you to forgive me and to help me forgive myself. i don't like doubting that you'll take care of us. i know how much i care about my kids and want good things for them, so how much, much, much more you care about me and want good things for me and my family! why do i ever doubt you?

what does it mean to be CHRIST-like?

these last couple of days, i've been meditating on the question...what does it mean to be CHRIST-like?

keep in mind, these are just my thoughts and questions, not judgements.

i ask because i went to a private christian school as do my kids, and one of the end-of-the-year awards is "most CHRIST-like." over the years, i've seen many kids be awarded this honor, and over the years, i hear much the same explanation for why.

among them?
"i've never had any trouble with this child."
"she/he wants to be a missionary and said that JESUS is her/his hero."
"she/he always smiles/greets me with a hug."
"this child always gets along with her/his classmates."
"this is the sweetest child."
"she/he always does what i ask/is very obedient."

and among other things, this is what i know about JESUS:

• he was a revolutionary
• he didn't aways get along with people
• he broke the rules
• he made the religious community so mad, they ran him out of places and eventually had him killed
• he got angry and protested injustice
• he took up for the underdog/rejected/sick/overlooked and spent time with the under-privileged
• he didn't suck up; he treated people honestly and fairly
• he was compassionate, humble, a servant, merciful
• he was fearless and confident
• he loved and cared for women and children, so he had to have been approachable and likable, not at all like the picture we tend to have of him... hands raised piously with solemn facial expressions saying, 'bless you, my child' to everyone he meets
• he was a carpenter

we tend to think that the most CHRIST-like are those who aspire to become missionaries, pastors, sunday school teachers, and the like. JESUS started out as a carpenter. imagine this: a carpenter/a builder/contractor who does excellent work for fair and honest wages, who takes an interest in the families he serves. are we less CHRIST-like if we aspire to be a journalist or an engineer or a plumber? does being CHRIST-like mean we always get along with others or follow the rules?

who is JESUS? what did he do? i've been inspired to find out more for myself.

i'm just asking.

insights welcome.

he closed his eyes

the blind side...

leigh anne tuohy: "how did you get out of there, michael?"

michael oher: "...momma would tell me to close my eyes... and when the bad things were over, she'd say, 'now when i count to three, you open your eyes. the past is gone, and the world is a good place. and it's all gonna be ok.'"

he closed his eyes.

he. closed. his. eyes.

what a profoundly simple thought.

i remember a conversation a pastor's wife and i had a few years ago. though we'd seen so much of the dark side of church and there was so much to get bitter over, neither of us wanted to wake up one day to find ourselves old, angry, bitter and unapproachable. when that day comes, we want to be known as the sweet old lady with a great big smile and even bigger heart.

that conversation has revisited my mind many times over the past couple of weeks as i've found myself becoming bitter and angry over something. i know that if those emotions don't get taken care of, they'll take over.

a few days ago, there was nothing on television so david and i pulled out "the blind side." i love that movie. it's one of my favorites...inspirational on so many levels. and when the movie got to the scene in front of the laundromat in which anne and michael had the conversation i opened with, my heart stopped and my eyes filled up with tears.

he closed his eyes. and when he opened them the past was gone and the world was a good place. got me thinking that i have my eyes open too much. maybe i should close them more often.

i've been spending a lot of time thinking about ecclesiastes 3...there is a time for every season under the sun. i suppose if i could add something, it would be...there is a time to see, and there is a time to close your eyes.

so, i'm closing my eyes, and when i count to three, i'm going to open my eyes again. the past is gone. the world is a good place. and maybe like michael in the movie, i'll find myself a little more innocent and a lot less cynical...all right, then. ;)

new beginnings

new beginnings. change. expansion.

tomorrow, we visit a new church. i smiled as i did a little research on the church tonight. the name is avalon, which i found out means...yep...new beginning. that seems to be the theme of my life right now.

i've had to say goodbye to some former things. i'm working to embrace the new. and there is a lot of new to embrace.

i am a little fearful. i can't lie about that. perspective is a hard thing to find, but i'm trying to relax and open my mind in order to grasp it. i'm not the first to try something new, and i certainly won't be the last. for me to think i'm the only one who has ever stepped out of her comfort zone would be arrogant and prideful.

i have to trust that GOD will lead me in the right direction. i've been joking (though i'm kind of serious) about GOD tweeting me his will. but i remembered something i read a few years ago by erwin mcmanus...go till GOD says no.

and go i will. and with each new experience comes confidence and peace and a broader sense of adventure. as long as i'm moving, i will find that the hand of GOD guides me. it's when i stop that i get lost. i don't know if that makes sense, but it does to my heart.

teachable moments

what a weekend! what started out to be a great and beautiful day full of promise (i realize that sounds melodramatic) turned sour. the region track meet was saturday. you should have heard us cheer my matthew on in the 1600m race. he crossed the finish line in first! our only win of the day, matthew would be moving on to compete in the state meet...at least we thought so. an hour later, someone came to let us know matthew had been disqualified. he had been announced 3 times as the winner and had been awarded his plaque. the coach at a rival school alleged sometime after the race (and after his kid had lost to matthew) that matthew had run out of bounds. matthew felt cheated. we all did. he knew he hadn't stepped out of bounds, especially the distance the coach was now claiming. we lost the initial appeal. but someone did the right thing, turned in a report, and before we even had a chance to ask for another appeal, the decision was overturned. matthew was reinstated as the winner. and he will compete at state.

david and i both felt sick over this situation. it was wrong. very wrong. after things settled down and we were back at our school, i was able to talk to matthew briefly about not letting this make him bitter. he had the opportunity to let this fuel him to be better, to be faster, to be more focused. it may have fallen on deaf ears for the moment, but i think he will take it to heart once he's had a chance to process.

he was angry. he had every right to be. david and i gave him his space. we allowed him to explore his emotions and process the events. i was probably angrier than anyone. you don't mess with a momma bear and her cubs, and you don't mess with a human momma and her children. amen?

he had one race left that day, and i believe he ran harder and faster than i'd ever seen him run. his whole team did. they placed third and also qualified for state. all of us on the sidelines were cheering and laughing about how they must really be mad to run that fast.

we kept the plaque he was awarded. i refused to give it up stating that he had rightfully earned it. no one challenged me on that. not only did he earn it, but i wanted to keep that plaque as a symbol, a reminder. i came across a quote by sophocles: "I would prefer even to fail with honor than to win by cheating.” my next teachable moment with my son? always remember how this felt, and always keep your integrity. and when you find yourself at that crossroads, do the right thing. don't allow someone else to feel what you felt at that moment.

life is full of decisions, crossroads. we have a choice. our integrity will be challenged. we can choose to do right or we can choose to do others wrong. we can choose to be bitter or we can choose to be better. we can fall and give up or we can rise with determination to overcome. what will we do? which will we choose?