what lies beneath

most of an iceberg is found beneath the water's surface, and most of what is real about a person is found underneath layers of skin.

as much i try to be real and transparent, i have parts of myself that i keep hidden away. i won't share these places with anyone. i've become very good at pushing them deeper and deeper. sometimes i even forget they are there.

i feel as if God places a mirror in front of me, and no matter where i turn that mirror is always before me. i can't look away. i am forced to see myself. but unlike mirrors that only show the exterior, God's mirrors reveal what lies beneath.

i see the pain i've buried in the corner of my heart, the hate i've crumpled up and swept to the side, the sins i've attempted to whitewash so they don't look so hideous.

and i confess. the words, the emotions rush past my lips with the force of a mighty waterfall.

forgiving mistakes

trying to take some of my own advice today.

a couple of days ago, i heard a sermon on perspective, and i jotted down some notes and personal applications.

don't take everyone so personally, including myself. sometimes we say and do hurtful things to other people, and it's not because of anything they have done. it's because of what's wrong or what's missing in our own lives. people make mistakes. sometimes, they make them intentionally. but either way, mistakes are made.

i have worked really hard to forgive and heal this past year. it hasn't been easy. and i'm not "there" yet, but i have really come a long way.

when someone hurts us, it's easy to demonize them. but rather than do that, i've been trying to tell myself that hurting people hurt people. when someone attacks me personally, it's not always because i did something to deserve it. sometimes it's because they are hurting on the inside or they feel they are lacking something. we tend to lash out at others rather than deal with the junk in our lives. it seems easier at the time. in the long run, however, it just adds to our problems.

so today, i'm faced with a situation that requires forgiveness and understanding. i'd like to share a facebook status i read a few days ago. the young lady who wrote it has no idea how GOD has used her and her comment, but i do.

"i don't forgive people because i'm weak. i forgive people because i'm strong enough to know people make mistakes."

i hope i can follow through on that. i hope i'm being strong today.

forgiveness like the ocean waves

i love to walk barefoot on the beach at night. to hear the waves crashing against the ocean floor and to feel the cool water swirling around my feet on its way back into the deep. the hint of salt in the air that tingles my nose as i breathe. rarely do i feel closer to GOD than at moments such as these.

for me, healing and forgiveness come in waves and leave me experiencing a similar sensation. one wave washes over me and carries far away and into the deep a portion of the hurt and unforgiveness. refreshed and renewed, i take one step. and another. and at just the right moment, another wave washes over me again and carries away to the deep a little more of the residue the hurt and unforgiveness left behind. it happens again and again.

i wish i were one of those people who can just...forgive...one and done. but i'm not. i forgive as i am able. sometimes i feel as if i am so consumed in my suffering that the next wave of healing and forgiveness will have no choice but to be of tsunamic proportions if it is to be successful.

and so here i am. yet another wave has washed over my heart and soul, and i am one step closer to wholeness. as i watch more of the residue being towed into the sea, i am made aware that some things happen for a reason while other hardships are just... bad, yet GOD makes something beautiful of them. this time, i believe those trials have revealed themselves as blessings in disguise. one season has past, and another is just beginning.

and i feel good about it. i'm so exhilarated that if i close my eyes and breathe deeply, i think i feel the saltiness in the air tingling my nose as i breathe in the goodness and blessing of GOD.

my thoughts on my church experience today

i left church this morning feeling encouraged and safe, yet challenged. i haven't heard any other church/pastor say some of the things they've said about integrity, mercy, forgiveness. it's like ... water in a hot, arid desert.

i did a couple of things that may sound kind of trivial or silly, but to me, they were huge. i filled out a visitor's card and went up for prayer for healing over my past. earlier in the week, we had discussed having other plans for today, but i really hated the thought of missing church at avalon this morning. my desire for the time being is to fall through the cracks and remain anonymous, that is, until i'm ready to emerge. they've made it easy. they respect my privacy, giving me space, while letting me know i am loved and welcomed.

will this be long-term? i don't know. and for right now, i don't care. this is where my heart needs to be for this season. and i am drinking it all in. are they perfect? you can bet they're not, but to be honest, i haven't seen any warning flags yet...and GOD knows i'm looking for them.

i walk in and want to cry as soon as the music begins...a good cry, a cleansing cry, a happy cry. and i must admit, i'm a little bummed when we're dismissed. the sermon series this month has been "captive." it's about being chained to our fears, our past, or whatever keeps us from living a blessed, whole and abundant life. it's exactly what i needed.

i've been struggling again with bitterness and holding on to past hurts and failures. i think it's time to rid myself of another layer of that baggage. it was music to my ears when the pastor said that it's not reasonable nor is it biblical to insist upon "forgive and forget." we don't usually forget, but we can forgive. we can accept. we can move on. he said that sometimes it takes forgiving a situation or person 490 times (that's 70 x 7 for all the bible scholars). if it doesn't "take" the first time, forgive again and again for as long as it takes. it's nice to hear what i've thought all along.

so i think i'm probably on 200-something. =) but that's ok. i'll keep forgiving until it does "take." i'll keep forgiving those who've hurt or disappointed me, and i'll keep forgiving myself for my short-comings and failures. one day, it's going to come together. one day, i won't fear anymore. one day, the massive amount of love and forgiveness in my heart will drive out the fear and bitterness. there won't be any room for them anymore.

it's been a good day.

peace after the storm

i must have really gotten GOD's attention the other day when my emotional volcano erupted. i admit it. i was screaming at him as loudly as my hoarse voice would allow me. it wasn't a very pretty ordeal, but i believe GOD hears our cries of desperation. i think it finally took that last straw to make me feel like my back was against the wall. i hurt deeply. i can't begin to describe the hurt, anger and despair i experienced. i demanded that GOD show himself... and he did.

i had a restless night that night. GOD must have visited me through my dreams. his thoughts, his heart, his perspective were my first thoughts upon awakening. i had begged him to let the dawn take away my hurt and anger. when i opened my eyes to face the new day, those emotions were gone. maybe he knew i previously wasn't ready to let go. he waited until i was honest with myself and him about it. pure, raw honesty.

among the things he showed me was that i needed to pray for the ones who hurt me. for the first time in my life, i think, i didn't follow that with an objection. i'm still surprised by that response. yet pray i have.

i cannot say that it will be easier next time. i don't know. i hope so. i asked for peace. peace has not eluded me these last couple of days. i didn't expect to face some of the issues i have faced since the eruption. but it has made me a better person. GOD answered me when i cried out in desperation. he showed himself to me and helped me understand, at least a little better. i have a lot more closure and acceptance today than i have had in a long time. i guess sometimes it takes an explosion to get a little peace.

i am grateful for all the encouragement and prayers. i don't think i could have gotten through this weekend without them. thanks, all!

the emotional turn-around

feeling better today. yesterday was just really rough. i thought i had prepared. not enough, i guess. i just keep telling myself that what others mean for harm, GOD means for good. and people who do that kind of stuff to others are not at peace in their own lives. instead of being angry, i should pity them. i should pray for them. perhaps if they found what they were lacking, they wouldn't hurt people like they do. i'm not sure they realize they hurt people, which is a huge problem in itself. i may not have money or influence or fancy possessions, but i do have some really good intangibles in my life that obviously they are lacking. i don't have to belittle or manipulate others in order to make myself look and feel better. i don't have to push others down in order to advance myself or my family members.

GOD and i had some conversations thru-out the night. i think i understand better. in studying about the apostle paul, i learned there were places he tried to go, but something always stood in the way of him getting to his desired destination. maybe that's happening a little here. i've been praying a lot for GOD's favor on my family, particularly on my children. perhaps this is part of that favor...helping us get pointed in the direction where his favor can just overwhelm us. i'm trying to change my perspective. i feel like i'm always gonna face this unless i figure out a better way of dealing with it. i'm tired of being a victim. i don't want to be the aggressor. i am trying to find that peace that passes all understanding. i'm trying to learn to be content in any situation. i have not mastered that art. but one day...

it's a beautiful day today, and i'm going to spend it with my family and enjoy it. and that's something others can't take away from me. i let them steal my yesterday, but today is mine. how's that for a turn-around?

the emotional volcano finally erupted

how do i let go? why can't i let go? why does it make me so angry? why do i care what any of them do, say or think? they shouldn't even be on my radar. anyone who goes around doing what was done...they can't possibly be at peace in their lives. why do i let them wreck my own peace?

been trying to work through a situation for a while. i thought i was going to be ok, but i'm not. i can't let go of the hurt that was caused. i can't forgive the offenders. i don't like who i become when i am confronted with those people. they just don't get it. i know i hurt myself by not letting it go, but i want to scream from the top of lungs! no one seems to get that it was wrong. or either they just don't care. it's not right. it's not fair. it's a grave injustice. and no one seems to get that! it's not ok. and no one stood up and did the right thing. and i was silenced. and i hate that as much as i hate what happened. and it just keeps going. and it won't stop. what was is still not enough. the whispers continue, the snide remarks, the entitled get their way, and no one stops to think. no one stops to consider. they did what they thought they had to do. and it hurt. and it left a wake. and no one gets it. or no one cares. it just is.

GOD, i'm angry at you 2. why didn't you stop it? why didn't you scream until someone with a conscience listened? or did you, but they shut their ears? why do bad things happen to good people? and good things happen to bad people? why can't you make my pain go away? i tried saying the words...i forgive...and nothing happened. i tried it again. and again. and again. nothing. or so it seems. does it have to get this bad for me to finally let go? do you get it? please. help. me. make this darkness go away. let the morning bring a new start. let the dawn chase away my pain and anger. peace. that's what i want. yet it seems to elude me. they don't have the right to keep my peace away from me. why did i let them have it? how do i get it back?

"write but don't send"

i did what i needed to do yesterday. i wrote a letter to those left on my "to forgive" list. it's one of those "write but don't send" kind of letters...at least not in that form. in it, i gave an explanation and my own apology. i felt good immediately. and it was just in time. i saw a few of them last night. but this time i treated them like i wish they had treated me and my family. i can't trust that their nice responses were genuine. i'm pretty sure that at least one of them wasn't. i heard her complain about someone in my family again. i'm not sure how long i'll be able to show mercy if that continues. however, i am not going to do anything about that at this time. in praying for them like the Bible says to do, i've started asking that GOD heal what's not whole in them. the truth is that if they were whole and fulfilled, they would have never behaved in such a deplorable manner. they must have brokenness, too. i was proud of the way i handled myself. i still am choosing not to put myself back into a situation where they can use and abuse, but i can be "shrewd as a snake and harmless as a dove." to me, that means to love from a distance.

the last entries

i keep getting all these devotionals and messages and blogs in which people are discussing forgiveness. as much as i am familiar with the process, i must confess that i have needed each and every one of those words. i am really struggling with those last few entries on my "to forgive"list. i hate having to admit that, but to surpress it would be wrong and damaging.

i have a difficult time being around people who are duplicitous and unjust. all those left on my list fall into both those categories. it angers me every time they flash a smile and try to be nice to our faces. why? because i've seen them do that before, yet as soon as we or someone else they consider inferior turn their backs, those people begin the backstabbing, gossip and belittling. i can't trust them. just recently, i saw this done again to my family. it makes me angry all over again. i struggle with confronting them b/c i'm afraid it will only make things worse. but i can't seem to act like i never knew this all happened.

i want to be obedient. i want to be able to pray for those who spitefully use us and say unkind things about us behind our backs. i want to be blameless and walk in peace, but my lingering unforgiveness is making me as much at fault as they are. my heart is torn. if i have to be honest, i'd have to say that not only do i completely abhor what they've done and their ways and means of getting their agendas met, but i believe i hate them personally. i don't want that. why is this so hard? i know i should leave the vengeance to GOD, but i so want them to pay...and the sooner the better. i hate feeling that way as much as i hate those people. something's got to give.

i know what i need to do, and i can't move on until i do it. GOD, give me the courage to do what is right and what brings peace and unity. help me do my part to live at peace with everyone. i can't make them do the right thing. i question whether or not they actually have a conscience. but i do. i can't feel my way into doing what i need to do. i guess this is where faith and obedience is going to have to guide me.

that shrinking list of mine =)

my "to forgive" list has been steadily shrinking. as a result, i feel lighter. i feel like i'm gaining momentum. at least for now, forgiveness means acceptance. i know i can't change others. i can only change how i respond or feel in regards to them. i keep telling myself, "it is what it is. deal with it."

i don't want to be a victim anymore. i don't want to be chained down anymore. i've got too much to do, and i don't have time to keep carrying around my baggage.

i'm still learning new things and trying new things. i'm still stretching myself and my comfort zones. i'm working on a new ministry that focuses on young women leaders and ministers. i'm really excited about that.

i read in 1 Thessalonians 3:12-13 this morning. this became my prayer. LORD, will you make my love for others grow and grow? Make my heart strong, blameless and holy.

i chased her down in the parking lot! lol!

had a feeling yesterday that i was going to run into someone on my "to forgive" list, and wouldn't ya know... i did. she didn't see me, and i could have let her just leave. but where's the fun in that??? i chased her down in the parking lot, asked how she was doing, gave her a hug, and all that good stuff. that rise of anger was nowhere to be found even when she asked a couple of uncomfortable questions. honestly, i think she felt regretful about what happened, and well she should. it wasn't right, but i think i've accepted that "it is what it is." i think GOD's working it all out for my good, so i'm ok.

i called my hubby as soon as i walked off. i knew he'd get a kick out of the situation and be proud of the way i conducted myself. he did, and he was.

forgiveness feels a whole lot better than anger, hurt and bitterness. i feel really good that i was able to be loving, kind and gracious...and honest with this woman. i think i'm now ready to mark her off my list which has been shrinking, thank GOD!

i'm glad i didn't let the opportunity pass me by. thanks, GOD, for guiding my steps and preparing me for that situation! oh, yeah...and for giving me back my sly, little grin! lol!

it is what it is..finding acceptance

yesterday was rough emotionally for me. as usual, when i'm working on my "to forgive" list, i have some ups and downs. i woke up very angry yesterday, but by the end of the afternoon, i had come to terms with my anger. it's not uncommon to have strong emotions right before you forgive someone. it's like it all has to come to the surface before it can be removed.

i can't say that i understand why he did what he did. i can't say that i understand why he didn't do what he didn't do. i may never have the answers. i may never get my well-deserved apology, but i think i've accepted that. i think i feel free to move on. i didn't remove his name from my list. i want to give it a few more days.

however, i did remove a few names this week. i think i just needed to accept that "it is what it is." i can't change the past. it's done. i'm a little curious as to how i'll react if i see them, but i think i can be gracious and forgiving.

i did receive an email from someone today who is on my list. i sent back a nice reply. no zingers. no twisting of words. and there was no rise of anger. could i have forgiven yet another? could it be??? =) she was kind of the force behind a lot of my problems recently. i just had to separate myself from her. you know, keep a safe distance. i'm surprised that i'm not hurt by her and angry at her. i have a right to be, but i honestly, truthfully, sincerely blessed her today. i feel really good about being able to do that.

some people hurt and blame others b/c they themselves are hurting deep inside. they get stuck. i certainly understand. i, too, have been there. though it was personal, in a way, i don't think i should take it personally. sometimes we hurt others who have nothing to do with what is really bothering us, but we take it out on whoever is around. this is a case where extra grace is required on my end. i pray she finds peace, healing and acceptance. i would hope that extra grace and prayer would be extended to me by those i've hurt.

why? why? why?

i'm really having a rough morning. i woke up angry...angry at a person on my "to forgive" list. and i mean really angry. i sincerely wanted to go beat the crap out of him this morning.

but now, seriously...who am i more mad at...him or me? i think i'm more upset with myself for allowing him to have the power to make me so dang mad. i hate that. why am i finding it so hard to let go? is it that i've suppressed my anger for a while and now it has to surface before i can be free of it? i hope i'm about to be free of this, but i'm not sure. i wonder how i'll react when i see him again around town. i hope i'll be gracious and forgiving, but today i'm not sure. what is it that has made me so angry this morning? i'm not supposed to be there. my time is done. i get that. why can't i forgive this? why would i even WANT to hang on? why is it so important to me to hear the words "i'm sorry"? why don't they ever get spoken? why can't i stop asking why and just learn to accept?

oh, GOD! please make whole whatever this is that keeps me from letting go and moving on. fix this in me. i want to walk in forgiveness and grace, not anger and bitterness. please hear and understand the groaning in my heart. make sense of this. please give me peace and closure, and if it's possible, some degree of understanding. heal my heart. i feel like that egg that i dropped this morning... too broken to salvage it. but you made my heart. you know what it takes to fuse it back together...again.

"don't make me pay for what he did to you"

i was sitting in church this morning. a pastor friend of ours invited us to his church for friend day. sitting there waiting for church to begin, GOD spoke to me. let me explain.

i love madea movies. in one movie (i forget which one), this woman is falling for a guy but is having a hard time being in the relationship. the guy knows it and tells her, "stop making me pay for what he did to you."

that's what GOD told me. he said that's what i'm doing to others in my life. i'm making them pay for what people in my past have done to me. i don't want to be that person. if i'm angry or hurt with someone, i should point my anger or hurt in their direction rather than towards those who are in no way associated with it. better yet, i should forgive and let go...not for the offenders, but for me.

there are people on my list who have no idea that they're there. some don't know, but others don't care. some don't deserve my forgiveness, but really...do any of us? only by the grace of GOD i suppose. i have to forgive for me. i've said over and over again that forgiveness doesn't make what happened ok. forgiveness makes me ok. i don't want my baggage to hurt my present or my future. i have to let go for me.

it's not fair to me or those around me to punish them for what others have done to me. i can't let people have that kind of power over me. so this week, i'm working on my "to forgive" list with that in mind.

GOD, help me to not punish others for the offenses committed against me. i want to be free. i want to have that child-like faith, that child-like innocence. i want to trust. i want to be happy. it's hard to be happy when i'm tired b/c of my baggage weighing me down. forgive me for my unforgiveness which has turned into pride...me thinking i can do it without you. thanks for the service this morning and for the pastor's message. it touched my heart. thanks, mic, and thanks barnesville first assembly.

honest feelings toward my "to forgive" list

i'm having a hard time with my "to forgive" list. i got this overwhelming feeling this morning as i looked at it. none of these is easy, and i just don't feel like battling with it today.

it's not that i don't want to forgive. i guess i'm not convinced that i can get rid of these feelings i have for some of them. i know. i know. have faith that GOD will help me forgive. rely on his power to forgive. i know. and i've been told, but sometimes, it doesn't feel that easy.

i'm angry at the one who squeezes me out so she can get all the attention, who always seems to want what i have. i'm hurt by the one who chose to support the woman who was lying and trying to turn people against me. he said he had my back, but when it came right down to it, he chose her over me and put me in a really bad situation. i'm upset by the way some people treated my family because they have a sense of entitlement and think that they can treat people however they want in order to get their way. i'm angered by the man with the god-complex who could use a little more humility particularly in his dealings with others. he should quit throwing people under the bus, too. others are learning from his example.

i'm agitated and angry this morning, and i feel like i'll never work through this junk. sometimes, you just feel that way. it seems insurmountable. maybe in an hour or two, those feelings of frustration and helplessness will go away, and i'll begin again. i hope this agitation means that i'm getting close to a breakthrough. sometimes it does.

oh, and btw, don't think you know who i'm talking about. my guess is that you don't. but if you read this and feel guilty or angry, maybe you should apologize to someone. =)

trust: freely given or earned?

i read a blog this morning in which the blogger stated that she thought trust should be freely given not necessarily earned. i think i know what she was trying to say, but i'm not fully agreeing with it. i don't think you should not trust EVERYONE just because ONE person hurt you, but..."shrewd as a snake, harmless as a dove." i guess i'm thinking that you can give trust to others, but sometimes situations arise in which trust must be earned or re-earned. i think you can bless people without trusting them. perhaps? just processing.



one commenter said that she punishes others by withholding trust. i can see that happening sometimes, but i don't think that is always the case. i do believe that i have to live my life with my heart out in the open. i live a vulnerable, transparent life. my heart will get trampled on and wounded from time to time, but it's better to care and be honest and risk getting hurt than to be cold, distant and hardened. that means i do have a level of trust that i give, but i think i'm a little cautious in general due to my past experiences. i'm sure that's both bad and good at times.



so should trust be freely given or earned or a little of both? i think i'll be giving that more thought.

crossed a name off my list

i pulled up my "need to forgive" list this morning. to my surprise, i didn't have the anger or anxiety that i usually do when i see that list. i wasn't even snarky! i hope that's a good sign and not just a hormonal thing going on. and yes, hormones can produce good, happy feelings.

the person at the top of my list has been there for a few years. a couple of days ago, i was praying about that situation while i was doing laundry. now usually when GOD tells me to bless someone, i have to give it some time. GOD and i usually go back and forth on the issue, and eventually i surrender. not this time. i said ok, and i prayed a prayer of blessing over him and his church. i did have to get some things straight with GOD just so we were clear. forgiveness is one thing, but trust is another. it could take years for me to trust this guy again, if ever. however, i'm willing to forgive his multiple offenses against me, my family and our ministry.

here's how i figure it: only GOD really knows if he's changed. i'm not convinced, but i'm willing to sit back and wait it out. time will tell. if he has changed, then great. i'll be happy. if not, i won't be surprised, and i'll be there to help pick up the pieces this guy leaves in his wake. i hope he has dealt with those issues that caused him to do what he did to us. and i hope no one does to him what he did to us and others in ministry.

so i blessed him. i prayed that GOD would strengthen his character and help him be both spiritually and emotionally healthy. i prayed that his change is indeed genuine. i prayed for his church. i prayed he'd be a good pastor and that he'd take care of his congregation. i prayed he and his leaders would have wisdom and truth to guide them in their decisions. i prayed that GOD would bless their efforts to reach their community.

i feel good about it. he becomes the first to be deleted from the list this time around. i'm sure it's about time! now on to the next...

day one of facing the list

ok. started on that list today. i had some updating to do. that was tough...and enough for today. i added about half a page of situations/people i need to forgive. this is tough stuff. i'm now down to the specific issues i need to work through. oooh, i'm so agitated. those that were already on it...still not ready to cross them off. one may be really close though, so at least there's one positive thing about today's look at the list.

i wish i could say this has gotten easier, that forgiving has gotten down to an easy science. unfortunately, that's not the case. i wish i could say this list will shrink quickly, but i don't think it's gonna. when i look at it, i realize that these are really deep wounds. and most of these will not end in an apology. it's difficult for me to forgive knowing i will never hear the words, "i'm sorry." those 2 words are so under-utilized these days.

this list really makes me angry. it makes me hurt. that's why i don't like being tied to it. i didn't realize just how much journaling and prayer this was going to take. might as well start this with a prayer.

GOD, as i look at this list, i know it's not gonna be easy. i'm really gonna need some help. i believe i'll forgive each and every one, but i can't do it on my own strength. i am very aware of this. honestly, i want vindication. can't lie about that. help me understand that forgiveness doesn't make what they did all right, but it makes me all right and sets me free. this is for me. i can't change what happened. i can't change anyone but me. right now, i could use a little peace in my heart. please take away this agitation. i've got too much to do today to be upset. i'm taking the first step. that's good. at least this time, i'm willing to go there rather than keep it hidden and buried deep inside. thank you for who i'm going to be as a result of dealing with this list.

feeling strong enough to "go there"

i've been feeling a little rough these last couple of days. i've been battling sickness, and i do believe i won. yay! sickness isn't the only thing i've battled. i'm working through some would-be bitterness. i think i'm kicking butt on that one, too.

for me, at least, the hardest part to work through is the tail-end of a situation. the big stuff is usually a little easier. it's the wanting to understand why rather than the offense itself that's so difficult to resolve in my heart and mind. my mind accepts more readily than my heart, and since i'm a feeler more than a thinker, the heart carries more weight with me.

i've talked a lot about my list of people i need to forgive. so i'm going to revisit that list this week. i think it's time. i feel strong enough to "go there." i don't like feeling this hardness of anger and unforgiveness in my chest. it bothers me. i like to enjoy life, and that hardness weighs me down.

so, list, here i come! prepare to shrink! =)

bless and curse not

romans 12:14 -- bless those who persecute you. don't curse them; pray that GOD will bless them.

somewhere along my journey to wholeness, i came across this verse. i saw something i'd never noticed before: we're told twice to bless. once to not curse.

i pondered it for quite a while and realized that it was so much easier to not curse than it was to bless. but it's twice as important for us to take that extra step of blessing or praying GOD's blessings on those who have persecuted or mistreated or misunderstood us.

we've all heard that if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. but the bible tells us to take that a step further...bless them. you know you've forgiven when you can do more than just not curse. if you can then bless them, that's major! at least in my experience.