Sin and the Sinner... What Do We Do With That?

We say that we 'love the sinner, and hate the sin,' but what does that mean?

Why do we hate the sin? For the sake of hating sin? I think if that's the case, we're missing the point.

Does God hate sin for the sake of hating sin? Is he holy for the sake of making a bunch of rules and judgments?

I don't think so. I think he hates anything that hurts us, that has the potential to cause us harm. I think he wants us 'to be holy as he is holy' for our sake, to keep us from harmful activities, thought processes, etc.  I think he hates whatever hurts us. Why? Because he loves us that much.

Is this our motivation for hating sin? Because our love for others causes us to hate anything that could cause another person harm or keep them from being whole, happy, healthy? Or do we hate sin because 'the Bible says so,' yet we never stop to wonder why it might say that. I believe God has a very practical side to him, and I don't think we consider that as much as we should.

Personally, I think a lot of people who say, 'love the sinner, hate the sin,' don't know what the crap they mean by that. I think too many people abuse that, use it as a cop-out. Some, if they were honest, would have to admit that what they're really interested in is hating the sin and berating the sinner. I think sometimes we do that out of our own insecurities. We feel we don't measure up so we deflect and put the spotlight on others' shortcomings so maybe people won't notice our own.

If we really love, if our motivation is love, we need to demonstrate that love. That's not always easy. It's not always a clear path either. It can be messy. It can be confusing. It can be frustrating to live in the tension, in the gray. I say gray because as I get older, I realize life is not as black and white as I was taught it was. There is a lot of gray in the world. I can also say that it seems easy to 'hate a sin,' but the moment you put a face to it...well, it gets a little harder. At least it should. You realize that the sin is attached to a person, and that person needs love, understanding and mercy, not judgement. That's when it gets really messy. And it should. We should have to wrestle with that. It shouldn't be easy.

So why do you really hate the sin? And in what ways do you show the sinner love? And here's another question...is it really a sin or is it just something you don't like or participate in? I've come to realize that some of the things I grew up being taught were sins weren't really sins at all according to Scriptures but were personal convictions that someone placed on everyone else and labeled as sins.

Actually this post is not new. I've had it in my draft folder for quite some time, but I realized that it's a recurring theme in my unpublished posts. Guess it's time to get it out there. I've said this a lot...and been criticized a lot for what I'm about to say, but here it is nonetheless: We struggle with the balance between mercy and judgement; but if we must err, let us err on the side of mercy.

A New Journey

It's been over a year since I quit blogging. That was interesting and strange for me. I've been sharing my life online for quite some time, and then I just...quit. Part of me didn't really feel like sharing anymore. The other part wanted to try something different.

When I first started my journey to wholeness, I turned to writing songs. Words were not enough. I also needed music to make sense of the turmoil that was going on inside me. A few years later, I felt trapped by rhyme and meter. I turned to blogging. And a few months ago, during my year or so away from blogging, I switched to photography.

I guess I've felt whole, comfortable in my own skin, at peace, totally ok with myself. I'm a little spunkier, a little more aware, a little more inquisitive about life and religion and philosophy, and a lot more curious about God and how he and I fit together. I think I chose photography (or maybe it chose me) because I began seeing the world differently. I saw beauty in what others might consider unsightly. I saw conquering spirit when others saw pain. Everything fascinated me, and I just got this urge to capture it all with my camera. My favorites are the little moments between the poses when people show a glimpse of their true selves.

I love photography, and I am not giving that up any time soon. I feel amazing when I'm behind a camera!

However, I think I'm back to blogging again. This time though it's not because I'm trying to release the pain and anguish churning inside me. It's because I've started another journey...the rest of my life.

My hubby and I are back into ministry. If you've read some of my blogs, then you know that organized religion had a lot to do with the mess I was in, so it seems crazy that I'd return to ministry. Yeah, it was easy just attending church for a while, but something happened. I don't even know when really. I'm sure I'll get blindsided and sucker-punched again before it's all said and done, but this time it's different. I am different.

So I'm a 'pastor's wife.' Not sure about that label, but that's a post for another day. I just couldn't get away from ministry because as much as 'the church' drives me crazy, I love it dearly and want to see it made whole and live up to its potential.

I've updated my skill set. I got a degree in public relations. And while I was at college, I got to know a lot of different people there. God opened my eyes to many things. And he opened my heart.

Here I am again. Ready to share again. And now I begin my new journey. Not a journey of trying to get out of a deficit to living at par, but a journey of discovery and living beyond.

my decision to get involved at church

lately, i've been toying with the idea of getting more involved at my church. i've dreamed for some time about how church could be, and so many of the ideas i've had, i actually see going on at avalon. even today, i leaned over and told my hubby..."if i had done that, i'd have gotten into trouble. I LOVE THIS PLACE!"

i love going to church in blue jeans and a sweatshirt. i even went last week without any makeup, and it didn't bother me a bit...and no one gave me "the look." i'm a good person, but church people have a tendency to make me feel like i don't measure up, that i'm not acceptable, that i'm a troublemaker, that there's something wrong with me. but i don't feel like that at avalon. one of my kids and i were talking a couple of weeks ago about church in general. he said he liked avalon and that it helps that they're nice there. and nice, they really are. and relaxed. and happy. and non-judgmental. i really fear being judged by church people. i hate feeling inferior and lacking. but in the months we've been at avalon, i can honestly say that i have never felt that way...and no one is more surprised than i.

and now i think i've waited, watched and tested them enough. i told the hubby this morning that i think i want to get involved in their outreach program called HOPE. i'll take it slowly. i don't have a problem with GOD consuming my life, but i never want to get myself into another situation in which i let church consume my life. my family comes before my church. and GOD comes before all else.

just making the decision to show interest in a ministry at any church is a huge step for me. i think it's time though. i finally feel like i'm home. i finally feel like it's safe. i finally feel like i've found a place i can be myself and get into some really fun trouble with some really good people. and somehow, i think GOD would approve.

i think that's GOD's way of telling me, "merry christmas!" and what a wonderful gift it is! GOD, you totally rock, and i sooo adore you!

below is the link to MY church! check it out! =)

http://avalonchurch.net/

before we preach the gospel, we need to live the gospel

i read a blog a while back in which the author was voicing his aggravation with readers who inevitably comment that we don't need strategies to reach the lost, we just need to preach the gospel. my guess is that many who suggest we just preach the gospel probably don't have a very good relationship with those who need the gospel. at least that has been my experience.

john maxwell is famous for saying "people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care." that couldn't be more important than when we are sharing the gospel with others. before we can preach the gospel, we need to live the gospel.

and that means we need to care. we need to love. we need to live and work with integrity. we need to serve.

i know for me personally, i will listen a whole lot better and a whole lot longer if i know someone genuinely loves and cares for me. i suggest we need less preaching and more living.

enlarging my comfort zone

i realized some time ago that my comfort zone had really shrunk, that although i have an outgoing personality i was afraid of people, and that i had the confidence of a scaredy-cat. and then something changed. it must have been when my emotional volcano erupted some time back. i hit my point of desperation, and that's when i changed.

and GOD made all things right. i did something this weekend that surprised even me. david and i were asked to lead a service at a church outside of savannah. i already knew that i was going to need to lead worship, but about midweek, i felt led to speak as well. i was so excited! i really felt like i had GOD's stamp of approval when i read a blog by mark batterson called "a fire shut up in my bones." he quoted the scripture from jeremiah 20:9-- "his word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. i am weary of holding it in; indeed, i cannot." that pretty much described my feelings.

so i guess i made my "preaching" debut! lol! i spoke about wrestling with GOD. i was told years ago when i was going through a hard time that when i emerged, i would have a jacob's limp. ever since, jacob's story of wrestling with GOD has been near and dear to my heart. i know i have been marked by GOD. i know i have the blessing and favor of GOD on my life. i shared my story and shared some principles i have learned through studying jacob's experience.

i didn't get nervous at all. on the contrary, i was excited! i always get concerned about my delivery because i don't consider myself to be a great speaker by any stretch. i felt poised and confident. it felt right. i did something fearless. i stretched the boundaries of my comfort zone. and it feels awesome, exhilarating, empowering!

get in the game

each of the last few summers, my family and i have been at the georgia conference campmeeting in franklin springs, georgia. one of our fun traditions each year is a basketball game between the kids and the old people. and by kids, i mean mostly teens. they're just kids to us old people who have stopped growing vertically and now just grow around the middle. the old people have to rely more on strategy with each passing year while the kids rely on athleticism and height.

i love getting out there and playing. i must confess, i do much better at volleyball and softball, but my lack of basketball skills doesn't usually keep me off the court. i tend to sub in when one of the older, out-of-shape guys have a look of panic on their faces due to their fear of not getting enough oxygen.

i kept deferring during this one particular game. maybe it's because i got a little self-conscious and insecure because others were so much better than i. one of the old guys, who is actually pretty doggone good, kept urging me to get out there and play. now, i can't exactly call what i did playing. i ran and whenever someone threw me the ball, i quickly passed it along for fear that i may actually have to dribble.

afterwards, the same guy (who would probably prefer i not refer to him as old. lol!) talked to me about how that game was like my real life. i keep deferring to others, but i need to get out there and get in the game. he's right. and this past week, i've stepped onto the court of life, and i'm giving it my all. i'm not the best player, but that's ok. i'm out there, and i'm doing my thang. i guess you don't always have to be the best, and you don't always have to have it all together. i'll just try to do in life like i do on that court...laugh, have fun, provide relief and cheer on my team.

do christian-bashers have a point?

i watched a couple of tv shows recently in which there was some christian-bashing going on. i admit. it was hard to hear what they were saying. on one hand, i'm a conservative christian. i'm the stereotype they were making jokes about. but i'm also disillusioned with the institution of church so in some respects i can understand their perspective. i've even secretly thought the same things.

my heart ached a little because i see where they're coming from. christians have begun to be known for what and who we're against. every time you turn around, we're boycotting this, or we're outraged about that. we're supposed to be known by our love. we're supposed to possess the fruit of the spirit which, in addition to love, is joy and peace, patience, gentleness, kindness and goodness, faithfulness and self-control. we're told in philippians to not only look out for our own interests but also the interests of others and not to be selfish and proud, but give more honor to others than ourselves.

yet this is not how we christians are perceived today. the people spoke about our negativity, our dogmatism, our rigidity, our condescension, our hypocrisy. i asked myself, "do they have a point?", "am i guilty?"

they may indeed have a point. i admit that when i act out of woundedness, i can slide into that stereotype. i can be guilty of one or more because i become self-focused, i push people away, and i hide emotionally or put up a front to protect myself. insecurity manifests itself in condescension and arrogance. i know i'm guilty of this at times. so once again, i am in one of my introspective, self-assessing modes.

i can point to many examples of christians being a poor representation of GOD. i've been turned off as well. i heard someone say that their problem was not with GOD but with his children. i get that. and i don't want to be that.

since then, i've apologized profusely to GOD, and i am truly sorry for being a poor representation myself. i want to be known for pointing people TO GOD not away from him. GOD is FOR people. i want to be known for being FOR people, too. i want to be known for my love and openness and caring attitudes and actions. i want to blow that stereotype out of the water that christians are angry, arrogant hypocrites. i'm not perfect. i will disappoint. but i'm trying to change and be that person that represents a good and loving GOD. that's who he is, even when i'm not.

ministry: vision

i've been thinking a lot about vision lately in regards to a church vision. i saw recently a great vision that i bought into. we were going to reach out to the community, be focused on the things that made us unique, be contemporary in our worship style. i was sold...until i began to notice that i was fighting more for that vision than the one who was originally given the vision. and when i tried to discuss our getting off-track, i slammed into a brick wall.

my point? a real vision, one that you truly believe is from GOD is one you are willing to fight to the death for. in a new church, the vision is non-negotiable. it shouldn't change in order to hold onto a few disgruntled who leave one church to find the latest, greatest new church.

it's ok and it is necessary for church leaders to say to people, "this is our vision. this is who we are. this might be the right place for you, but it might not be. if it's not, if you feel you can't support our vision, then we will bless you and help you find the right church for you. no hard feelings. we're in this together. but this is who GOD has called our particular gathering to be. this is who we must be."

there are plenty of churches around. there's something for everyone. no one church needs to be all things to all people. find your niche. fight for your vision. and if you're the pastor and your staff is fighting harder for your vision than you are, it's time for a "come to JESUS" talk with that person in the mirror.

ministry...men & women created in GOD's image

26 God spoke: “Let us make human beings in our image, make them reflecting our nature So they can be responsible for the fish in the sea, the birds in the air, the cattle, And, yes, Earth itself, and every animal that moves on the face of Earth.”
27 God created human beings; he created them godlike, Reflecting God’s nature. He created them male and female. --Genesis 1:26-27



i have found myself meditating on this scripture a lot lately. i'm both a woman and a minister, and from time to time, i have experienced gender bias in ministry. i know i'm not alone. my intent is not to place blame. i simply want to share a thought about this scripture and hope to encourage or challenge someone.

GOD created both male and female in his image. GOD is just too much for one of us. it took 2 similar yet unique entities to even begin to embody the likeness of GOD. i've been in too many churches where the male point of view or the male presence is the dominant one. and i think to myself, "what a shame." in not embracing both male and female, we lose at least half of who GOD is.



let me stereotype for a moment. men are typically thought of as the thinkers, while women are typically thought of as the feelers. men are considered the conquerers, while women are the nurturers. men are rock-solid. women are emotional. now, we all know it's not as simple as that, but you get the point, i hope. i believe GOD is all of these. and i believe the church will not be complete and live up to the potential that it possesses without both sexes bringing their strengths and talents and abilities to the table and until we learn to respect and embrace each other.



it's not in blaming others, but it's in reconciling and accepting each other that we can truly make a difference in this world in which we live. it's in working together and respecting each other that we can be whole and complete. we're all in this together. after all, GOD doesn't have 2 callings: one for males and another one for females. just one.

facing fear and finding my voice

i was reading a blog by anne jackson entitled, "fear plays the role of antagonist in the story of your life." if you don't subscribe to her blog, i recommend it. it's at flowerdust.net.

every once in a while someone says something that impacts you in a profound way. anne ended her blog with the statement, "the world needs your story in order to be complete." this upcoming year, i'll be launching a new ministry to young women called "emerge." it's about empowering young women to lead with humility and fearlessness. i struggle so with telling my story and embarking on this new ministry because of fear and insecurity. i hear fear telling me that i'm not qualified, that i'm not a good person, that i'm not a good speaker, that no one will care what i have to say b/c i've not accomplished anything in my lifetime. i think fear may be right sometimes or at least have a point. but i think fear does not have to dictate my future. i do have a story to tell, and i think there are people who need to hear that story. perhaps there are a lot of us who need to know that our story matters and that fear doesn't need to define or hinder us from being and making a difference.

i draw courage from queen esther and her journey (see the book of esther). when she was confronted with the knowledge that she and her people were in trouble and that she was in a position to stop it, she was visited by fear. she finally concluded, "if i must die, i die." and she went ahead with plans to save her people from execution. i read in her words a prayer i've uttered often recently, "i'm scared. help me do it anyway."

GOD has a plan for my life. i don't know all the details. i don't know how it's all going to pan out, but i know i have a story that others need to hear. it may not rock the world, but it may rock somebody's world. the world is not complete without my story. and it's not complete with yours. i'm finding my voice. and over this next year, i desire to help others find theirs.

self-improvement update

my 3 areas of self-improvement:



weight loss:

did pretty well until this weekend and totally blew it. according to charts i saw this morning, i should be 30 pounds lighter to be in the middle of my healthy weight range. so i will attempt to start anew today. i have only eaten when hungry, but it is only 10:30. the most difficult time for me is the evening and night. my goal today is to take it one moment at a time to eat healthy and exercise at least 15 minutes. it's not much, but it's a start. i just want to start developing better habits.



daily devotional:

i got a new devotional book by joel osteen called your best life now. it's already helping me to have a positive attitude and outlook. yesterday's reading was taken from hebrews 11. i got stuck at verse 34 "...whose weakness was turned into strength." i take that as a promise. i have a number of weaknesses and insecurities. i will have faith that they will be turned into strength.



ministry:

i spent hours working on it last week. i finally got the brochure done, i think. i'm planning to concentrate on 2 sessions this week. one is about leading with scars. i'm starting to feel more comfortable with the thought of public speaking...most days.



one other area:

i'm trying to get my house organized and cleaned up, so if i can just get one thing done each day, i'll feel like i actually accomplished something. i'll be making a list today of things that need to get done.

ministry...accepting who we are as churches

my hubby and i talk a lot to each other about many subjects. not surprisingly, church is one of those much-talked about subjects. after all, so much of our lives have been spent at church. we're in transition trying to decide what church is supposed to be in our minds and what we are looking for in a church. for the last couple of months, we've had church every sunday at home. it seems like a radical idea these days to have home church, but it's not a new idea. followers of Christ met in homes during the early church era. only later, did they move to buildings that would host larger crowds.




our topic last night? for the most part, people classify churches as being either traditional or contemporary. we've attended both. i like and prefer the contemporary over the traditional, but what i don't like is contemporary churches that are straddling the fence. they claim to be contemporary but are more accurately a blend between the two, attempting to be one while holding onto the other. i'm not saying this is wrong, but i do think much of my dissatisfaction with many contemporary churches in general has been because i feel there is a lack of identity. i feel like the desire to please and hang on to every person has become more important than following the vision that GOD has given the church. be who you say you want to be. each individual church does not have to be all things to all people. find your niche as a congregation. go all out and be who you feel GOD has called you to be. there is a place for the traditional. there is a place for the contemporary. there is a place for the post-modern and missional and home church and everything else in-between. together, as a whole, we offer everything this world needs and is searching for. if we as individuals try to be everything to all people, we come up short, get overwhelmed, and end up helping fewer people in the long run.


but if we accept that we each have a niche and celebrate what each of us have to offer and begin to collaborate, together, we can do so much more. together, we can make a difference. there's no need to compete. there's no need to hold on to everyone. there is a church out there for everyone. if someone doesn't feel like one church is right for them, we need to encourage them to find a place that does feel right rather than try to meet everyone's needs and wants. one of my favorite pastors let people know right up front that "this may not be the right church for you. if it's not, i'll do my best to help you find the right church. and we will love you and bless you wherever you choose to worship." he didn't compete. he didn't guilt. he didn't change his vision. he helped. he blessed. he stayed focused. in turn, he has maintained a good reputation in the community and has a growing and successful church. we're all in this together. let's work together and accept ourselves and each other. we can do so much more when we do.

new direction...feels better than Christmas

a while back, GOD started showing me a different direction for my life and ministry. i'm in the time of preparation currently, and it is definitely a challenging time for me. i am working on a ministry to women, specifically young women; and my mission is to empower them to lead with humility and fearlessness. as a result, i'm really being challenged in the areas of humility, fearlessness and forgiveness.

this week has seen more than a few challenges, but with the help of the word of GOD and some godly friends, i am getting through this. i have felt bogged down with all the baggage i've been carrying, and each day sees more freedom. that freedom does not come easily.

pride is a very broad subject and comes in many forms. my biggest struggle right now with pride is my thinking i can do "it" on my own, that i can hold on to things that actually belong to GOD. i guess when it comes down to it, i feel i can do a better job with my life than he can. the contrary is a difficult lesson to learn. most of my pride comes in the form of unforgiveness and a desire for retribution. i guess i've thought that GOD didn't understand and wouldn't know what to do. how silly to think such nonsense.

fearlessness...i have had so much fear in my life. to be fearless means you are courageous. i've been hiding behind my defense mechanisms. i've heard others describe me at times as being bold and courageous, but i never really see it. i guess it's because i know my thoughts and emotions and my history. why GOD would ask me to help others be fearless...huh, i guess he means what he said in 1 Corinthians 1 about him using what others think of as foolish and feeble to confound the wise and powerful.

my heart is being cleaned of the sludge of unforgiveness, pride and cowardice. i feel like i'm moving ahead with GOD's plans for my life. and now i can feel excited about this new chapter...it's kind of like Christmas...only better.

why? why? why?

i'm really having a rough morning. i woke up angry...angry at a person on my "to forgive" list. and i mean really angry. i sincerely wanted to go beat the crap out of him this morning.

but now, seriously...who am i more mad at...him or me? i think i'm more upset with myself for allowing him to have the power to make me so dang mad. i hate that. why am i finding it so hard to let go? is it that i've suppressed my anger for a while and now it has to surface before i can be free of it? i hope i'm about to be free of this, but i'm not sure. i wonder how i'll react when i see him again around town. i hope i'll be gracious and forgiving, but today i'm not sure. what is it that has made me so angry this morning? i'm not supposed to be there. my time is done. i get that. why can't i forgive this? why would i even WANT to hang on? why is it so important to me to hear the words "i'm sorry"? why don't they ever get spoken? why can't i stop asking why and just learn to accept?

oh, GOD! please make whole whatever this is that keeps me from letting go and moving on. fix this in me. i want to walk in forgiveness and grace, not anger and bitterness. please hear and understand the groaning in my heart. make sense of this. please give me peace and closure, and if it's possible, some degree of understanding. heal my heart. i feel like that egg that i dropped this morning... too broken to salvage it. but you made my heart. you know what it takes to fuse it back together...again.

the church is not here for us

The church is not here to meet our needs. We are the church here to meet the needs of the world http://twitter.com/erwinmcmanus

i think this is a great reminder for the church. too often we get lost in our own desires and forget there is a world around us that needs JESUS. i know we start out with good intentions, yet at some point, too many churches eventually lose sight of our mission which is to go into the world and share the good news of CHRIST. instead we start focusing on the trivial things that consider first our comforts and desires. we say we're going to reach out to our community, but before we realize it, we've become inward focused. we get bogged down in programs and budgets and committees. those plans to make a difference in our community fade away. we still think we are involved in the community, but we're not going out there. we begin to shift our perspective and act as if the community should come to us.

we must fight this. we must go. we must not lose our mission. we must not lose our focus. we are the church. we are here for the world.

crossed a name off my list

i pulled up my "need to forgive" list this morning. to my surprise, i didn't have the anger or anxiety that i usually do when i see that list. i wasn't even snarky! i hope that's a good sign and not just a hormonal thing going on. and yes, hormones can produce good, happy feelings.

the person at the top of my list has been there for a few years. a couple of days ago, i was praying about that situation while i was doing laundry. now usually when GOD tells me to bless someone, i have to give it some time. GOD and i usually go back and forth on the issue, and eventually i surrender. not this time. i said ok, and i prayed a prayer of blessing over him and his church. i did have to get some things straight with GOD just so we were clear. forgiveness is one thing, but trust is another. it could take years for me to trust this guy again, if ever. however, i'm willing to forgive his multiple offenses against me, my family and our ministry.

here's how i figure it: only GOD really knows if he's changed. i'm not convinced, but i'm willing to sit back and wait it out. time will tell. if he has changed, then great. i'll be happy. if not, i won't be surprised, and i'll be there to help pick up the pieces this guy leaves in his wake. i hope he has dealt with those issues that caused him to do what he did to us. and i hope no one does to him what he did to us and others in ministry.

so i blessed him. i prayed that GOD would strengthen his character and help him be both spiritually and emotionally healthy. i prayed that his change is indeed genuine. i prayed for his church. i prayed he'd be a good pastor and that he'd take care of his congregation. i prayed he and his leaders would have wisdom and truth to guide them in their decisions. i prayed that GOD would bless their efforts to reach their community.

i feel good about it. he becomes the first to be deleted from the list this time around. i'm sure it's about time! now on to the next...

GOD doesn't call the qualified?

A few years ago, a pastor rejected me as a worship leader b/c i was actually...wait for it...qualified. he chose a younger, less spiritually mature, less competent person. why? b/c she was...wait for it...unqualified.

i remember sitting at a table when these words hit my ears: "GOD doesn't call the qualified; he qualifies the called." that was his justification for letting me go. i literally had to pick up my jaw from the floor. i had shared my heart for worship. this pastor had seen me lead and loved what i did. he appreciated my talent, my vision, and my spirit. i was everything he said he was wanting in a worship leader. however, he chose the other person. i sat there with all the grace and mercy i could muster as i tried to accept the rejection. those words hurt my heart. though i couldn't form the words, all i thought was that GOD gave me a gift that i developed so that i could serve him. i thought that was called being a good steward of the gifts GOD had given me. it turned out that the other worship leader didn't last long, and eventually the pastor admitted he'd made a mistake.

what brought this on is that i heard that phrase once again a couple of weeks ago. this time it came from the lips of a well-known leader that i respect. my heart sank as i finished saying the phrase with him.

GOD calls the qualified, too. i understand what they're trying to say. we don't have to have it all together to be called by GOD. at times, i have not been qualified to accomplish a task, but i knew that GOD would give me the grace to accomplish it. i mean, he does shine through our weaknesses.

sometimes in our attempt to be clever, we say something careless. i whole-heartedly believe that GOD qualifies those whom he calls, but i also whole-heartedly believe that GOD calls those who are qualified. we have biblical examples of both. being competent at something doesn't mean that GOD won't use us. at the same time, being incompetent doesn't mean that GOD won't use us. GOD will call whomever he chooses for whatever reasons he chooses. he calls us all.

living a life of integrity

i try to live my life with integrity. in order to do that i have to be a whole person. remember in school when we learned about integers? they're whole numbers. integrity is about being a whole person.

we tend to think integrity is all about character, but that's only part of the picture. integrity includes character, but it also includes competence in our field/ministry and chemistry with those around us.

i spent a few years living life as an incomplete person. i had the competence, but my character and chemistry were lacking. because of some situations in my life, i had let bitterness sink deeply in my heart, which in turn affected my chemistry with those around me. i couldn't connect with others. i didn't trust others.that's when i decided to start my journey towards wholeness. when the bitterness got too uncomfortable and my fear of people robbed me of my joy, i knew i had to change. it's not easy being an outgoing person who's afraid of people.

i know i have issues left to deal with, and they will be confronted over time. i have a list. it includes people and issues that i need to forgive. the first time i made this list, it was 3 pages long...front and back. that's a lot of junk. it's now down to half a page. i began praying for those people and journaling about my situations, my issues, my hatred. i also have trusted friends that help me process and pray through the junk in my life. though my approach won't work for everyone, it has worked wonders for me. my confidence, my laughter, my peace are returning. i thank GOD that he loves me too much to let me stay like i am.