Abstract Thinking - I Do That Well

The heart of an artist is fearless. It dares to dream and envision. It looks beyond the way things seem and sees what others cannot.

I am naturally an abstract thinker.

According to wiseGEEK.com, 'the abstract thinker can conceptualize or generalize, understanding that each concept can have multiple meanings. Such thinkers might see patterns beyond the obvious and be able to use patterns or a variety of concrete ideas or clues to solve larger problems.'

This is one of the things I really, really like about myself, and this definition describes me well. As a result, I'm able to dream  and envision things that others don't or won't or can't.

I've been in a bit of a dark place lately. Trying to find a job can be frustrating and filled with disappointments, especially when you know you can do the job if someone would only give you the chance.

Unfortunately, 'abstract thinker' doesn't seem to be on employers' radars, but it definitely makes me a better volunteer, employee, student, wife, mother, woman...

But at the moment, a job is not what I'm focused on. After a few rejections, I just need to remind myself that I am good enough, that I have a lot to offer and that I have some wonderful qualities.

And that's the reason for this post. I needed to focus on me...and what I do well.

Somebody's going to see me and what I have to offer, and they're going to be smart enough to say, "You're hired." It wouldn't hurt if they added that they're going to pay me an exorbitant amount of money because I'm just so darn awesome!

Meanwhile, I'm just going to get my thinking back on track.

Stay positive. Believe. Give. Be fearless.

Just Say Yes

The world needs more people who find ways to make things happen instead of people who find  reasons to say no.

The world needs more people who actually give a crap, who care and are willing to make sacrifices to achieve greatness.

And the world needs more people with dreams.

Helen Keller is credited with saying, "The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight but has no vision."

I was in my twenties sitting in a room with hundreds of others like me at a leadership conference in Atlanta when I realized that one of my biggest fears as a leader was getting older and losing my sense of adventure. I remember looking up and begging God to help me so that I would never lose my ability to dream, to learn, to say "yes." 

Now that I'm in my late thirties, I smile when I think back to that day. It seems that my prayer has been answered. I question and dream more than I used to, and I am proud to say that I'm also more adventurous than I used to be. 

And though my sight is becoming a little fuzzier, my vision is as sharp as it's ever been.

My brain may be getting older, but I pray my thinking never does.

A little parting wisdom for us all: Make things happen, give a crap, and dare to dream.

what's next?

I was so disappointed earlier this week. I was trying to get a local internship, but I didn't get it. Though my resume was impressive, they decided to go with someone else. Bummer...

I searched for others, but all of them are in Atlanta or farther...with no pay. Again, bummer...

Then I started thinking that maybe God's got a better plan. I do have a plan B that I'm not too disappointed to go with.

And then tonight, my friend Dusty Takle posted a quote from Steven Furtick, "The good thing didn't happen so that the better thing could."

Maybe that's God's way of letting me know that it's all good.

It's difficult when you want something pretty bad and you pray for God's will to be done and what you wanted didn't happen. But I'm all right. OK, so it's my plan B. It very well may have been God's plan A for me. Guess we'll see. =)

It's all good, and for whatever reason, my heart is at peace, happy even. I know God will take care of me and my family.

And I did something exciting tonight...I volunteered to do something at my church later this week. That's a big step, but I'm so ready.

Oh, happy day! Really. I mean it!

all things in moderation

my name is hope, and i'm a perfectionist...

i am such an overachiever. i admit it. i thought i was over my perfectionist ways, but going back to school has enabled me to see that i haven't quite gotten it out of my system.

i study too much. i burn myself out. it's sad.

i guess i could have worse addictions. it's unfortunate that my perfectionism doesn't extend to household chores. i haven't really cleaned my house in months. it used to bother me. not so much anymore. one day, i'll hire someone to do that for me. yep, that's the plan.

thank GOD for spring break next week! i have already given myself a good "come to JESUS talk" regarding no schoolwork for at least a couple of days. yes, i do plan to study some during that time, but i will make myself take a much-needed break. AND I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT EITHER!!!

i guess my point is that even good things and good-for-us things need to be done in moderation.

i am taking my own advice. i promise...well, i'll start next week.

it's ok to be responsible. but let's remember this: live a little. laugh a lot.

don't feel guilty when you take time to enjoy life!

take care!

what if...

i suppose i've seen "it's a wonderful life" a few too many times because every year around this time i begin to wonder "what if..."

what if my sister was still alive?
what if i had never met my hubby?
what if we had stayed there?
what if that church had hired us instead?
what if we hadn't gone through that?
what if the birth control had actually worked? (so glad it didn't)
what if...what if...what if...

sometimes i think i would like a glimpse of how things might have been. where would i be now? how would life be different?

i know. i probably think too much. but really...wouldn't it be cool to get the chance to see what could have been?

i don't know though. i guess in many situations in life, i can see the hand of GOD guiding. i don't know what could have been, but i can't imagine life without my family. and those experiences? well, they've made me who i am today, and i kinda like who i am. =)

yet still i wonder...

my decision to get involved at church

lately, i've been toying with the idea of getting more involved at my church. i've dreamed for some time about how church could be, and so many of the ideas i've had, i actually see going on at avalon. even today, i leaned over and told my hubby..."if i had done that, i'd have gotten into trouble. I LOVE THIS PLACE!"

i love going to church in blue jeans and a sweatshirt. i even went last week without any makeup, and it didn't bother me a bit...and no one gave me "the look." i'm a good person, but church people have a tendency to make me feel like i don't measure up, that i'm not acceptable, that i'm a troublemaker, that there's something wrong with me. but i don't feel like that at avalon. one of my kids and i were talking a couple of weeks ago about church in general. he said he liked avalon and that it helps that they're nice there. and nice, they really are. and relaxed. and happy. and non-judgmental. i really fear being judged by church people. i hate feeling inferior and lacking. but in the months we've been at avalon, i can honestly say that i have never felt that way...and no one is more surprised than i.

and now i think i've waited, watched and tested them enough. i told the hubby this morning that i think i want to get involved in their outreach program called HOPE. i'll take it slowly. i don't have a problem with GOD consuming my life, but i never want to get myself into another situation in which i let church consume my life. my family comes before my church. and GOD comes before all else.

just making the decision to show interest in a ministry at any church is a huge step for me. i think it's time though. i finally feel like i'm home. i finally feel like it's safe. i finally feel like i've found a place i can be myself and get into some really fun trouble with some really good people. and somehow, i think GOD would approve.

i think that's GOD's way of telling me, "merry christmas!" and what a wonderful gift it is! GOD, you totally rock, and i sooo adore you!

below is the link to MY church! check it out! =)

http://avalonchurch.net/

do decisions ever get easier?

i've seen and heard that question a lot this week. truth be told, i've been wondering that myself.

i grew up being taught everything is black and white, right and wrong. no gray. no in-between. life is fair. the good guys eventually win. what goes around comes around.

and then i grew up and found life was...well... a little more complicated.

here's what i've learned. it's easy to make a judgment on an issue. but it's harder to make a judgment when that issue becomes a person with a face and a heartbeat. black and white wash into gray.

here's what i've learned. it rains on the just and the unjust. sometimes life is hard and unfair even when you say and do all the right things. sometimes those who don't follow the rules win. disillusionment becomes the word of the day.

here's what i've learned. what may be wrong for one person may not be wrong for another, and what may be right for one person may not be right for another. personal convictions are not the same for all across the board. they are...personal. and while i'm at it, christianity is not a political party. GOD is not a republican, nor is he a democrat. and we are all entitled to think for ourselves. the line between right and wrong becomes blurred.

i've wondered recently about some of my decisions and personal convictions. i wish life were more concrete, but the beauty of life is that it's more fluid than that.

i don't know sometimes if i'm right or if i'm wrong, but when faced with a judgment call, i now remember every issue has a face. not everything works out as i think it should because at the end of the day, life isn't only about being fair. and GOD loves diversity, and that's why we're all unique with unique perspectives.

i'm learning that if i must decide, decide with selflessness. if i must act, act with integrity. if i must err, err on the side of mercy.

i won't always make the right decisions, but i hope my heart's always in the right place.

how to make GOD laugh

Like Billy Mann's song, "if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."

that's what a friend told me when i told him about the direction GOD seems to be taking us these days. i was making my plans, and i was pretty sure GOD understood them. then he goes and throws a wrench into some of those plans. i swear i think i heard him chuckle! =)

GOD does indeed work in mysterious ways, and just when you think you have everything perfectly planned out, GOD starts changing your heart and mind.

now i don't know for sure what GOD's plans are (notice this time i said GOD's plans rather than my plans), but i'm starting to get an inkling. i have the sneaking suspicion that i'm going to be ok with these plans. i guess we'll see.

sometimes i think GOD really gets a kick out of me. i wonder if he ever falls off his throne laughing. after some of the things i've said and done, i wouldn't be at all surprised! =)

running MY race

i've been reading my devotionals these last couple of days, and the main themes have been about being confident as an original and running MY race, not the race of others. man! that really struck a chord, touched a nerve, made me think.

i am 35 years old. you'd think by now that i had a clue about life, that i'd be more confident, that i'd know where i belong, and...yet...well, here i am.

i've spent most of my life feeling like, if anywhere, i belonged in the land of misfit toys. i never felt like i belonged. i spent most of my youth feeling like GOD had made a mistake. you see, my younger sister died when i was almost 9. i maintained that GOD had taken the wrong sister, so i felt like i didn't belong on this planet or even in my own family. i never felt like i fit in at church. i was always the controversial one who challenged and questioned everything and everyone. though some considered it rebellious, i knew it was due to my inherrant desire to understand the "why" behind everything, my quest for knowledge and understanding. i never wanted to blindly follow. to me, that's dangerous. and as an adult, i've searched intently to find "home," the place where my heart ceases to feel restless.

i've never really felt comfortable in my own skin. i've doubted my decisions. i've struggled with what to do with my life. and i think i now understand why. i've spent most of my life's journey running someone else's race. i have cared too deeply for the opinions and acceptance of others.

i am to run MY race, walk MY journey, follow MY path. there will i find "home." there will my heart find rest and peace and confidence.

i tried to get up early and read my BIBLE and pray for an hour because i was told it would make me more like JESUS. that was someone else's race. i'm a night owl, and i can pray only sentences at a time.

i tried to volunteer all my time and talents at church because i was told it was my spiritual obligation. that was someone else's race, i suppose. it sure wasn't mine. i never got to be light in the world because i never got to be in the world.

i tried to dress a certain way, think a certain way, not act a certain way...all races belonging to someone else.

i tried to be supermom. all that got me was overextended, tired, and run-down. i learned that the word "no" was my best friend. supermom was not my race.

i went to school to be a musician because others expected me to go that route. i felt guilty the day i quit. though i knew that staying at home with my kids was where i wanted and needed to be, i felt like i was disappointing others. i felt like such an underachiever. but being a mom...that was MY race.

and my decisions today...that's MY path. it's okay to question. it's good to think for myself. it's acceptable to like who i am and who i am not. it's okay because GOD made me an original. who i am is beautiful to GOD, and i can be confident in that. in his eyes, i'm pretty and perfectly imperfect just the way he intended me to be. he has a journey planned out for me. i don't have to follow anyone else's. what others do is great...for them. but i need to run my race. and the more i do, the more at home my heart feels. my footsteps have been ordered by GOD.. not by family, friends, or society. whew...what a relief!

back to school!

i am one big ball of mind clutter these days!

i have a major life change...i'm going back to college! i'm really excited, but i'm a little nervous. it's been YEARS since i was in school. at least the school is making the process easy. i'll be attending georgia state university and majoring in journalism with a concentration in public relations.

life changes, though oftentimes fun and exciting, are still major times of adjustments. i tend to take 6-9 months to fully adjust. i guess that's why i'm pouring over it so right now. i figure if i can get used to the idea now, i'll have an easier time once school actually starts.

i think i'm ready for the worlds of academia and workplace. i need something different in my life. i've prayed for quite some time that my church bubble would burst, that i would find ways to really help people and get to know those outside of church. i think i'm ready.

honestly, i'm stressing over our finances. part of me knows that GOD will take care of us, but there's a part that feels the need to obsess over it. i know that's a prideful thing. it shows i don't think GOD can handle it, so i'm trying to chill and just let GOD do his thing. it's not easy, but i tend not to back down from challenges. i'm praying for lots of scholarship/grant money and a job.

so, GOD...guide my steps and grant me favor. i could really use that. well, that and a nice family vacation!

new beginnings

new beginnings. change. expansion.

tomorrow, we visit a new church. i smiled as i did a little research on the church tonight. the name is avalon, which i found out means...yep...new beginning. that seems to be the theme of my life right now.

i've had to say goodbye to some former things. i'm working to embrace the new. and there is a lot of new to embrace.

i am a little fearful. i can't lie about that. perspective is a hard thing to find, but i'm trying to relax and open my mind in order to grasp it. i'm not the first to try something new, and i certainly won't be the last. for me to think i'm the only one who has ever stepped out of her comfort zone would be arrogant and prideful.

i have to trust that GOD will lead me in the right direction. i've been joking (though i'm kind of serious) about GOD tweeting me his will. but i remembered something i read a few years ago by erwin mcmanus...go till GOD says no.

and go i will. and with each new experience comes confidence and peace and a broader sense of adventure. as long as i'm moving, i will find that the hand of GOD guides me. it's when i stop that i get lost. i don't know if that makes sense, but it does to my heart.

hey, GOD...got facebook?

i've really been wishing lately that GOD would open up a twitter or facebook account. tweet, LORD, for your servant readeth.

started thinking...GOD did write on a wall. it is recorded in the Bible. i hate feeling so unsure of my plans, of where GOD wants me to go. i would definitely appreciate him writing on my facebook wall. life would be easier.

i came across a youth camp shirt from last year. chasing GOD was the theme. maybe i don't have my answers because i'm not pursuing GOD like he's wishing i would. i keep wanting the easy way out. maybe i should try a little harder. maybe GOD is wanting me to chase after him instead of demanding he make my life easier. maybe. maybe he wants to be sought, too. i get that. i like to be pursued. who doesn't?

i guess i've gotten a little self-absorbed, wanting GOD to cater to my wants. maybe i should seek him with all my heart. yeah, i think that's a biblical concept.

teachable moments

what a weekend! what started out to be a great and beautiful day full of promise (i realize that sounds melodramatic) turned sour. the region track meet was saturday. you should have heard us cheer my matthew on in the 1600m race. he crossed the finish line in first! our only win of the day, matthew would be moving on to compete in the state meet...at least we thought so. an hour later, someone came to let us know matthew had been disqualified. he had been announced 3 times as the winner and had been awarded his plaque. the coach at a rival school alleged sometime after the race (and after his kid had lost to matthew) that matthew had run out of bounds. matthew felt cheated. we all did. he knew he hadn't stepped out of bounds, especially the distance the coach was now claiming. we lost the initial appeal. but someone did the right thing, turned in a report, and before we even had a chance to ask for another appeal, the decision was overturned. matthew was reinstated as the winner. and he will compete at state.

david and i both felt sick over this situation. it was wrong. very wrong. after things settled down and we were back at our school, i was able to talk to matthew briefly about not letting this make him bitter. he had the opportunity to let this fuel him to be better, to be faster, to be more focused. it may have fallen on deaf ears for the moment, but i think he will take it to heart once he's had a chance to process.

he was angry. he had every right to be. david and i gave him his space. we allowed him to explore his emotions and process the events. i was probably angrier than anyone. you don't mess with a momma bear and her cubs, and you don't mess with a human momma and her children. amen?

he had one race left that day, and i believe he ran harder and faster than i'd ever seen him run. his whole team did. they placed third and also qualified for state. all of us on the sidelines were cheering and laughing about how they must really be mad to run that fast.

we kept the plaque he was awarded. i refused to give it up stating that he had rightfully earned it. no one challenged me on that. not only did he earn it, but i wanted to keep that plaque as a symbol, a reminder. i came across a quote by sophocles: "I would prefer even to fail with honor than to win by cheating.” my next teachable moment with my son? always remember how this felt, and always keep your integrity. and when you find yourself at that crossroads, do the right thing. don't allow someone else to feel what you felt at that moment.

life is full of decisions, crossroads. we have a choice. our integrity will be challenged. we can choose to do right or we can choose to do others wrong. we can choose to be bitter or we can choose to be better. we can fall and give up or we can rise with determination to overcome. what will we do? which will we choose?

can we have it all?

There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. ~ Anais Nin ~

this quote struck me today. i'm at a crossroads in my life. my children are getting ever so much closer to leaving the nest. they are wanting more independence, and quite honestly, so am i. most of my identity has been wrapped up in my kids. since they've gotten older, the hubby and i can resume dating, which is a great thing! one day, the kids will be gone, and i don't want us to be one of those couples who looks at each other from across the room in the quiet, lonely house and says, "who the heck are you?" so we've been reconnecting, rediscovering and preparing for the day when it's again just the two of us. yes, my youngest is 11, so it's not like the nest is going to empty tomorrow, but i know that once the first one goes (and he's 16), the others will quickly follow suit.

i love being a mom. there's nothing else i'd rather be. i love my kids. i love my husband. but something inside of me is telling me, "it's time for you to find...you. it's time for you to be... you. it's time for you to realize some of your dreams." i think that voice may have a point. so i talked to my kids and talked to the hubby. and i'm going to take the next step. i'm scared and i'm excited all at the same time. i think it's time for me to blossom.

more to come on my decisions later when i'm ready to share. too early in the game to reveal all my secrets to everyone! =)

on the view this morning, the women were discussing, "can women have it all?" had i been there, i think would have responded, "yes, but not all at the same time and not without the help of others." they were agreed. you have to have someone in your life who supports and encourages you. i am so blessed to have that in my life.

i have found that i'm good at helping others find their potential and reach their goals. now it's time i start doing the same for me. i think i may have finally decided what i want to be when i grow up. hmm. maybe i can have it all, so to speak. we'll see. i'm already most of the way there.