Sin and the Sinner... What Do We Do With That?

We say that we 'love the sinner, and hate the sin,' but what does that mean?

Why do we hate the sin? For the sake of hating sin? I think if that's the case, we're missing the point.

Does God hate sin for the sake of hating sin? Is he holy for the sake of making a bunch of rules and judgments?

I don't think so. I think he hates anything that hurts us, that has the potential to cause us harm. I think he wants us 'to be holy as he is holy' for our sake, to keep us from harmful activities, thought processes, etc.  I think he hates whatever hurts us. Why? Because he loves us that much.

Is this our motivation for hating sin? Because our love for others causes us to hate anything that could cause another person harm or keep them from being whole, happy, healthy? Or do we hate sin because 'the Bible says so,' yet we never stop to wonder why it might say that. I believe God has a very practical side to him, and I don't think we consider that as much as we should.

Personally, I think a lot of people who say, 'love the sinner, hate the sin,' don't know what the crap they mean by that. I think too many people abuse that, use it as a cop-out. Some, if they were honest, would have to admit that what they're really interested in is hating the sin and berating the sinner. I think sometimes we do that out of our own insecurities. We feel we don't measure up so we deflect and put the spotlight on others' shortcomings so maybe people won't notice our own.

If we really love, if our motivation is love, we need to demonstrate that love. That's not always easy. It's not always a clear path either. It can be messy. It can be confusing. It can be frustrating to live in the tension, in the gray. I say gray because as I get older, I realize life is not as black and white as I was taught it was. There is a lot of gray in the world. I can also say that it seems easy to 'hate a sin,' but the moment you put a face to it...well, it gets a little harder. At least it should. You realize that the sin is attached to a person, and that person needs love, understanding and mercy, not judgement. That's when it gets really messy. And it should. We should have to wrestle with that. It shouldn't be easy.

So why do you really hate the sin? And in what ways do you show the sinner love? And here's another question...is it really a sin or is it just something you don't like or participate in? I've come to realize that some of the things I grew up being taught were sins weren't really sins at all according to Scriptures but were personal convictions that someone placed on everyone else and labeled as sins.

Actually this post is not new. I've had it in my draft folder for quite some time, but I realized that it's a recurring theme in my unpublished posts. Guess it's time to get it out there. I've said this a lot...and been criticized a lot for what I'm about to say, but here it is nonetheless: We struggle with the balance between mercy and judgement; but if we must err, let us err on the side of mercy.

what lies beneath

most of an iceberg is found beneath the water's surface, and most of what is real about a person is found underneath layers of skin.

as much i try to be real and transparent, i have parts of myself that i keep hidden away. i won't share these places with anyone. i've become very good at pushing them deeper and deeper. sometimes i even forget they are there.

i feel as if God places a mirror in front of me, and no matter where i turn that mirror is always before me. i can't look away. i am forced to see myself. but unlike mirrors that only show the exterior, God's mirrors reveal what lies beneath.

i see the pain i've buried in the corner of my heart, the hate i've crumpled up and swept to the side, the sins i've attempted to whitewash so they don't look so hideous.

and i confess. the words, the emotions rush past my lips with the force of a mighty waterfall.

Here's My Heart

I usually don't like myself very much during the times when God is purifying my heart.These times are both sweet and frustrating. It's a love-hate situation. I love getting closer to God and being a better person, but I hate how I feel during the process. I hate the ugliness that surfaces. I don't want to admit it's there.

I'm not going to lie about it. It scares me. I'm always afraid God is going to ask too much of me. What if I fall short? What if I don't live up to his expectations of me? What if I can't be who he wants me to be?

I have an anxious heart. I feel overwhelmed. There's so much that needs to change in me. Where do I start?

It's silly. I can't help but think that if God knew the real me, he wouldn't like me very much. I don't want him to see my imperfections. But God already knows everything about me. Nothing is hidden from him.

I realize this process would go much more quickly and easily if I would just let go of those things I work so hard to keep from him.

By now I should know better than to think he'll disown me if I'm not perfect. It's his grace and mercy that compel me to yield my will and stubborn heart. No one wants what's best for me more than God, yet I am afraid.

God, change my anxiety to peace, my fear to trust, my insecurity to expectation. Calm my heart. Relax my grasp. Open my mind. Reveal your glory through my brokenness. Here I am. I am yours.

wake up

i got overly confident after having a couple of good days of not overeating. i slipped into a mindset of ... yeah, i can have that. i've been doing well. i deserve it.

guess what happened. yep. the weight quit coming off.

i realized that i need to wake up and be aware of my situation. i can't cruise through and think i'm just going to magically lose the weight i want. i'm not going to go to sleep and wake up the next morning unattached to food.

this is going to take resolve. i'm going to have to stay awake and aware.

i also need to remind myself that i deserve better than to overeat. i deserve to be free from the pull of the refrigerator. God loves me, and his desire is that i live a free and abundant life.

this week my goal is to stay awake.

food was meant for the stomach, not for the heart

we all have holes in our souls, places that are incomplete, damaged, ravenous even. last night, as i tossed and turned, i felt God showing me some holes in my own soul.

every time i start a journey, God visits with me and reveals areas of hurt, unforgiveness and insecurity. i realize this is necessary, but it is very uncomfortable and sometimes unnerving when God shines light on my darkness forcing me to acknowledge its presence.

what does this have to do with overeating? for me...just about everything.

i eat to satisfy my hunger. i overeat to satisfy the longings of my soul. food has a numbing affect. some people turn to alcohol. i turn to food. when the binge is over, i feel guilty. i feel incomplete. the food doesn't magically make my life better. it doesn't heal my soul or fill the holes in it. it makes it worse.

today i stuggled. i have fought back tears. i have run to food many times today outside the boundaries of hunger so that i could fill my longing heart, but i can't feed my heart with food. it's one thing to feed your stomach when you're hungry. it's quite another to medicate yourself with food.

though i struggled today (and still am), i have so far been able to put the food down and walk away. it's so hard, but as I read psalms today, God reassured me he has heard me today.

time for resolutions

i know...

some people don't believe in new year's resolutions. that's ok. i think of them more as new beginnings. even as i write this, i smile about the term "new beginnings" because it seems so appropriate. the year of 2010 started out with us having home church, but during the spring, we decided to give a new church a chance. the name? avalon, which means "new beginning." i guess i'm carrying my time of new beginnings into 2011.

a few days ago, our pastor blogged about the church's annual daniel fast. i've never done that before. to be honest, it seemed more like a spiritual fad to me. i've not always been a fan of fasting, partly due to a "super spiritual" couple i used to know who, every two weeks, would brag about just having come off another three-week fast. as a result, i tend to roll my eyes when people start talking about fasts. however, avalon and pastor ritchie have been winning my trust over the past few months, so i decided to talk to david about it, who seemed pretty positive about us joining the fast.

so i've been thinking about what i feel i need to focus on during this fast. i have once again been turning to food to fill the holes in my soul. this is both a physical and a spiritual issue for me. i realized on my walk today that i have toxins in my body and toxins in my spirit. and they need to go away. and i need to deal with them. i also have some questions about what paths i need to choose in regards to life and ministry. and i'll be joining in with my church in our collective prayers to find and know the will of GOD for the church.

already, i can feel GOD gently speaking to my heart and dealing with me about letting go of the things that cause me harm both physically and spritually. i know GOD wants me to have a new beginning, but i know i can't go into a new beginning until i let go of the past. even now, my heart is torn. even now, my spirit aches. i know this won't be easy, but i know that the journey will be worth it.

ugliness is part of the journey

the butterflies in my stomach began to flutter, and i had this feeling of "oh, crap" come over me. i knew i had to speak up. the leader had asked at least three times if anyone else had something to say. i tried to talk myself out of it, but it was no use. i waited as long as i could. i cleared my throat, swallowed my fear, and began to share my story.

i know how it feels to be hurt, to hate, to feel worthless, to be lonely and depressed, to want to end it all. i've been there. i was broken.

but i'm not broken anymore. and i had something to say.

the discussion was about spiritual healing and wholeness. i am no therapist. i hold no credentials in psychology. but life has taught me well. my heart found comfort that we were discussing such matters. these discussions were way overdue.

for years, i struggled, mostly in silence. i was hurt by organized religion, but because i still worked in it, i "sucked it up" and trudged along. i carried so much emotional baggage that i almost physically ached. one difficult day, i had what i think was an anxiety attack. i knew that something had to change. the stress was becoming overwhelming.

i began to write. i thought i would explode if i kept all these feelings bottled up much longer. i made my journey to wholeness available to anyone who wanted to read by starting a blog, my online journal...journey of hope.

it was an ugly journey. it was long. it was painful. i had good days and bad. sometimes i felt sick like i'd ridden a roller coaster non-stop for hours. and one day, it happened. i erupted. the pain and hurt that i released was incredible...and so very ugly. i let GOD have it. more accurately, i cussed him out. i hated him for everything he allowed to happen to me. he could have struck me down, could have allowed the earth to swallow me up. instead, he quieted my spirit and spoke these words to my heart, "finally. now we can get somewhere."

some people get offended when i share that. that's okay. i know GOD's big enough to handle it. his kindness and mercy that day brought freedom, forgiveness and peace to my life. the ugliness is gone today because GOD was my safe place. he allowed me to hate and be venomous, and he loved me through it.

we need to take off the masks, face the ugliness, and let GOD make something beautiful out of our brokenness. GOD is our safe place. and once we've dealt with the reality that we are broken, we need to be that safe place for others.

i think a lot of us are unprepared for how ugly the journey to wholeness is. but it's time: time for transparency and time for honesty. GOD will be there to pick up the pieces, and he will make something beautiful out of them. we will smile again, a real smile. we won't take others' woundedness so personally because we have dealt with our own. and peace will be ours.

i will be safe in his arms

i was thinking yesterday about how far i've come in the last couple of years. i've carried much baggage over the last decade, and it's not been easy lugging it around. so i decided something had to change. i had to deal with that baggage and begin to rid myself of it.


that's been so hard at times. i cried. i screamed. i ached. i cursed. i threw things. i walked. i wrote. i prayed. i got numb. i accepted. i forgave. i let go. i smiled. i laughed. i experienced peace...finally!

these past couple of weeks have been challenging, as once again, i faced rejection and pain. however, i noticed something different in myself. i didn't have past baggage weighing my present down. it was gone. the hurts from the past weren't around to influence my thinking and my emotional state of being. i didn't relive the past. instead, i dealt with my present. and now i can move on to a blessed and wonderful future.


my favorite song right now is "safe" by phil wickham (check out the link below). "the hands that hold the world are holding your heart." i cry every time i read or hear those lyrics. others don't always take care of our hearts. heck, we don't always take care of our hearts. but GOD, who holds the world, takes care of my heart. he won't betray it, smash it, break it, throw it away. he knows its worth. he knows its value. my heart is precious to him. and he loves me so much that he holds my heart and cares for it when i and others don't.

today, i will be safe in his arms. the hands that hold the world are holding my heart. what a beautiful thought. hmmmm...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6c3CYdqTG8

to move forward, you need to face your past

i've heard many times over to always look ahead and never look back, but sometimes in order to move forward, you need to face your past.

today, i revisited some difficult times from my own past. some memories brought tears to my eyes, but the visit resulted in some good, healthy emotions.

i'm ready to move forward with my life, and many of those experiences have prepared me for my future. if i hadn't gone through what i did, i'm not sure i would have ended up where i am now. as difficult as they were, i think i'm grateful...grateful for who i am as a result of those experiences. or at least grateful they are part of my past and not my present.

i have always tried to hold on to what was good in every bad situation, but now i have plans to turn what was bad into something good.

and today i am at peace with my past. i'm content to let it remain where it is. but i have to say that i am amazed to see where i was in comparison to where i am now. only by the grace of GOD, i s'pose i should say. yeah, only by the grace of GOD.

perfect love dispels fear

Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. --1 John 4:18 (NLT)

i have to admit something. though i've been trying for so long to deny it, i just can't get around this anymore. i am afraid of church. i'm also afraid of anyone who talks about church or speaks christianese.

i fear being hurt, being judged, being guilted into throwing myself into the busy-ness of churchwork.

i don't fear GOD. i mean, i do, but not in the same way. i have that healthy fear and awe of GOD being a just and all-encompassing high being and creator of the universe. but i'm not afraid to carry on a conversation with him and reveal my innermost thoughts and shortcomings. i trust him enough to expose my heart to him. that has not come easy. it has been a long journey, but i do trust him. i believe in him.

GOD is LOVE. love expels all fear. yet i fear a lot. most people don't realize the extent of my fear.

GOD knows. we talk about it. and when we talk, i'm not afraid. i know he won't take my heart that i entrusted to him, throw it on the ground and stomp all over it.

i long for the day when i can open up my heart to people again, especially those of the christian ilk. perfect love casts out fear. there is shortage of perfect love.

i don't like guarding my heart. i hate the disconnect. it makes me cold and self-preserving.

GOD, show me how to love. show me how to accept love. make evident that perfect love that dispels fear. remove the fear that keeps me from living life to its fullest, that keeps me from loving, that keeps me from being loved. continue to heal my heart and make it strong. i trust you to do that. i trust you with my heart.

forgiveness like the ocean waves

i love to walk barefoot on the beach at night. to hear the waves crashing against the ocean floor and to feel the cool water swirling around my feet on its way back into the deep. the hint of salt in the air that tingles my nose as i breathe. rarely do i feel closer to GOD than at moments such as these.

for me, healing and forgiveness come in waves and leave me experiencing a similar sensation. one wave washes over me and carries far away and into the deep a portion of the hurt and unforgiveness. refreshed and renewed, i take one step. and another. and at just the right moment, another wave washes over me again and carries away to the deep a little more of the residue the hurt and unforgiveness left behind. it happens again and again.

i wish i were one of those people who can just...forgive...one and done. but i'm not. i forgive as i am able. sometimes i feel as if i am so consumed in my suffering that the next wave of healing and forgiveness will have no choice but to be of tsunamic proportions if it is to be successful.

and so here i am. yet another wave has washed over my heart and soul, and i am one step closer to wholeness. as i watch more of the residue being towed into the sea, i am made aware that some things happen for a reason while other hardships are just... bad, yet GOD makes something beautiful of them. this time, i believe those trials have revealed themselves as blessings in disguise. one season has past, and another is just beginning.

and i feel good about it. i'm so exhilarated that if i close my eyes and breathe deeply, i think i feel the saltiness in the air tingling my nose as i breathe in the goodness and blessing of GOD.

he closed his eyes

the blind side...

leigh anne tuohy: "how did you get out of there, michael?"

michael oher: "...momma would tell me to close my eyes... and when the bad things were over, she'd say, 'now when i count to three, you open your eyes. the past is gone, and the world is a good place. and it's all gonna be ok.'"

he closed his eyes.

he. closed. his. eyes.

what a profoundly simple thought.

i remember a conversation a pastor's wife and i had a few years ago. though we'd seen so much of the dark side of church and there was so much to get bitter over, neither of us wanted to wake up one day to find ourselves old, angry, bitter and unapproachable. when that day comes, we want to be known as the sweet old lady with a great big smile and even bigger heart.

that conversation has revisited my mind many times over the past couple of weeks as i've found myself becoming bitter and angry over something. i know that if those emotions don't get taken care of, they'll take over.

a few days ago, there was nothing on television so david and i pulled out "the blind side." i love that movie. it's one of my favorites...inspirational on so many levels. and when the movie got to the scene in front of the laundromat in which anne and michael had the conversation i opened with, my heart stopped and my eyes filled up with tears.

he closed his eyes. and when he opened them the past was gone and the world was a good place. got me thinking that i have my eyes open too much. maybe i should close them more often.

i've been spending a lot of time thinking about ecclesiastes 3...there is a time for every season under the sun. i suppose if i could add something, it would be...there is a time to see, and there is a time to close your eyes.

so, i'm closing my eyes, and when i count to three, i'm going to open my eyes again. the past is gone. the world is a good place. and maybe like michael in the movie, i'll find myself a little more innocent and a lot less cynical...all right, then. ;)

revisiting the past

i finally have peace that has eluded me for years. i'm happy. i put smiley faces on everything! i'm spreading the happiness wherever i go. i carry on conversations with complete strangers and make eye contact with people i pass. this is huge for me because for about 8 years i've been a sanguine who's afraid of people. well, not anymore. i feel like me again! and my perspective on life is so much brighter.

but i got my first real challenge this week since my heart healed. i got pulled into a situation that i consciously and determinedly walked away from years ago. the toxicity stunted me emotionally and spiritually, made me insecure, brought me countless tears and sleepless nights. i had to get distance. i had to establish boundaries. i would suffer and work through whatever i had to in order to keep this from spreading to others and from tearing me apart.

i was forced into temporarily revisiting that past. i fought discouragement. i fought anger. and in the middle of my journey to the past, GOD spoke to me in that still, small voice. he lifted my chin and told me i didn't have to go back. he showed me how far i'd come. he confirmed to my heart that i need not engage in the turmoil. i think GOD gives good advice. i looked back, not to stay there, but to realize the goodness of GOD. and in the night when all was still and quiet, i whispered in my heart, "thanks GOD." my smile returned, and my body surrendered to sleep.

rejection or release?

a friend of mine wrote as his facebook status today: "we often confuse RELEASE with REJECTION." he went on to say that we should thank GOD for the release, instead of mourn over our rejection, and that sometimes acceptance hinders us while our supposed rejection brings us freedom when it's all said and done.

i have been quite guilty of confusing the two. before reading ken t.'s status update this morning, i determined in my heart that i was going to have a different perspective on the events in my life. everything that has happened has brought me to where i am. i still don't understand some of those situations, but i'm going to trust that GOD is working it all out for my benefit or for the benefit of those i minister to.

i admit it. i stew over things: things that are beyond my control, hurtful situations, people's opinions of me... but i'm doing better. i'm re-training my heart and mind to trust GOD rather than despair, worry and wallow in self-pity.

so much of life is our perspective. and i've decided to focus more on the positive. and that means that i have had to distance myself from certain situations and relationships because all they do is bring undesired toxins into my life. those poisons make me angry, bitter, and chained to undesired attitudes and behaviors.

so today, i take rejection and turn it around. i see it as release. i see it as GOD bringing freedom into my life. and i thank him for it.

ken t, you hit the nail on the head and gave me much to think about. i had trouble putting it into words. thank you for making it easy for me.

peace after the storm

i must have really gotten GOD's attention the other day when my emotional volcano erupted. i admit it. i was screaming at him as loudly as my hoarse voice would allow me. it wasn't a very pretty ordeal, but i believe GOD hears our cries of desperation. i think it finally took that last straw to make me feel like my back was against the wall. i hurt deeply. i can't begin to describe the hurt, anger and despair i experienced. i demanded that GOD show himself... and he did.

i had a restless night that night. GOD must have visited me through my dreams. his thoughts, his heart, his perspective were my first thoughts upon awakening. i had begged him to let the dawn take away my hurt and anger. when i opened my eyes to face the new day, those emotions were gone. maybe he knew i previously wasn't ready to let go. he waited until i was honest with myself and him about it. pure, raw honesty.

among the things he showed me was that i needed to pray for the ones who hurt me. for the first time in my life, i think, i didn't follow that with an objection. i'm still surprised by that response. yet pray i have.

i cannot say that it will be easier next time. i don't know. i hope so. i asked for peace. peace has not eluded me these last couple of days. i didn't expect to face some of the issues i have faced since the eruption. but it has made me a better person. GOD answered me when i cried out in desperation. he showed himself to me and helped me understand, at least a little better. i have a lot more closure and acceptance today than i have had in a long time. i guess sometimes it takes an explosion to get a little peace.

i am grateful for all the encouragement and prayers. i don't think i could have gotten through this weekend without them. thanks, all!

it's not you, it's me...or is it?

sometimes you have to get really uncomfortable to change. i think i'm there on an issue. i take things too personally. i don't want to be insensitive, but seriously, something's gotta give here. sometimes things happen. they just do. why? is there a reason? yes. no. maybe. who knows?

my first thought anytime something goes wrong where i'm concerned is "what did i do?" or "what's wrong with me?" it's ok, even good to be introspective, but not when you take it as far as i do. though it's not the case all the time, sometimes i think it's self-absorption to be this introspective. i do it to a fault. i know this. i am aware of this. i blame myself anytime something goes wrong. i can't seem to forgive myself. that's an unhealthy response.

and i always think i'm a horrible person...but what if i'm not? what if sometimes it's not me? what if it's not my fault? what if i didn't do anything wrong? what if the other person is having a bad day? what if they have issues?

a healthy perspective is needed here. sometimes things just happen, and it's nobody's fault. sometimes things happen, and it is my fault. but sometimes...maybe once in a blue moon or so...something happens, and it's not me. it really is you. could it be? it's worth a thought or two.

i'm not a bad person. i'm not a mean person. overly sensitive? i would say so in many areas of my life. not all. i'm confident in a few areas, so i'm not a complete mess.

but i think i had an epiphany tonight. it's not always me! and so what if it is sometimes?... life goes on. i try to make amends. i do the best i can... but whatever the case may be...life goes on. and i'm tired of hurting. life goes on... and gives the gift of a new start with each new break of day.

personal: i am determined

i think i've found a kindred spirit in the book of job. i have felt much of the anguish he expressed. it's all too familiar. don't get me wrong. i am not nearly the person he was nor have i experienced the depth of pain and loss, but i know those feelings well nonetheless.

though i haven't finished reading his story this time, i know that it ends well. there is hope for me, i know. and i am determined to be happy and fulfilled.

these last few years have been tough. i've been wounded, gotten bitter, seen my anger turn into hatred. but last year, i started a journey to become whole, to love, to find peace. i'm more aware when i have my porcupine quills out, so i try to chill and allow people to get close to me. i've noticed that my heart closes up when i fear being hurt. i'm finally at a place where i can stop midstream and evaluate my reactions and in many cases try to react in healthier, more positive ways. i don't always succeed, but at least i'm aware. that's a huge step for me.

i am still trying to find my place in the world. i'm still looking for the place i belong. i'm having visions of the show "cheers" where everybody knows your name. i know how that feels. i lived that for a while, and now i know i'm missing it. i want that again.

i feel like i've dug out the bitterness and woundedness, and now i have divots in my heart. now it's time to fill those holes with happiness and peace. i am determined that i will this year. i can feel it. this will be a good year for me. by the end of 2010, i will no longer be living in a deficit. my life will be overflowing and at peace, and i'll be able to give that peace and fulfillment and happiness to others around me. i am determined.

transformation: emotional eating

got to confess. today was a little more challenging on my journey to transformation. i found it very painful to eat only one serving of my yummy dark chocolate with orange and almond slivers. dang! but i did it! it's wrapped up very nicely in a bag and is resting in the pantry. my heart is screaming for it, but i have to remind myself that my heart will not be satisfied with chocolate or food of any kind. my stomach is satisfied. it desires no more food. once again, i'm trying to fill a void in my heart with food. GOD, please fill my heart with you. my heart yearns for something. emotional eating only makes me feel guilty and packs the weight on. give me strength to pull away from the call of the chocolate. i know this sounds silly, but i am dead serious right now. i don't ever want to be a slave to food again. fill my heart with peace.

my first 3 challenges of self-improvement

there are three things i want to concentrate on this week in the area of self-improvement:

1. healthy eating
2. daily devotionals/bible study
3. working on ministry

a few weeks ago, i was so happy about having lost 10 pounds. now, i've gained much of it back. a few years ago, i managed to lose a lot of weight using the principles taught by gwen shamblin called weigh down. it has since been shunned by the christian community due to some doctrinal issues, but i feel that those original principles are really sound. in a nutshell, those principles were the following:

1. eat only when you're hungry
2. stop when you're full
3. eat what your body is calling for

on the spiritual side of things, weigh down taught that when we eat emotionally, we're trying to fill a hole inside us. rather than fill that spiritual hole in our hearts with GOD, we try instead to fill our hearts with food. it sounds easy, but i cried and battled with myself many times before i began to get things in order.

i lost down to my healthy weight, but then i got pregnant again and soon got lazy with my eating habits. i think it's time to give it another shot. my healthy weight is about 30 pounds less than what i am now. but my focus shouldn't be the weight so much as it should be following the principles that will help free me from my slavery to food.

as for daily devotionals/bible study, i will probably go back and finish up a bible study that i left incomplete. i am thinking about one on transparency.

and as for working on ministry stuff, i have a lot to do. my goal is to be ready by the end of the month to begin doing conferences called emerge: empowering young women to lead with humility and fearlessness. i think i can accomplish this by spending 30-45 minutes a day working on it.

it's a lot of stuff to work on, but i think those are the most important for me right now. so, i'll be sure to blog a lot as i strive to make these positive changes part of my everyday life. i welcome all prayers and encouragement! =)

a new chapter: self-improvement

it appears the more you work on yourself, the more work you realize you have yet to do. there are so many areas in which i need to improve that i get a little overwhelmed just thinking about it. i see another list coming in my future. this time it's not a "to forgive" list but a self-improvement list.

but an update on the "to forgive" list might be in order. my list is down to 6 entries. 4 of them are about the same situation. so really, i only have 3 situations left. and 2 are probably really close to being dealt with. i usually am a little slow at marking things off. i want to be sure. i really hate having to add them back again. i am happy and surprised at how well i've reacted in the presence of those who have formerly been on my list. i don't get that rise of anger anymore, and when i feel it coming, i make it a point to remind myself i've forgiven them, so i can't use the offense against them anymore.

now onto more self-improvement. i've got areas that i need to put in check, while there are other areas in which i need to develop healthy habits. so, that means i'll be blogging forever. =)