Making the Most of It

Public speaking...everyone's favorite pastime, right?

Yeah...not hardly.

But it is a requirement for graduation, and I could put it off no longer.

So I decided to make the most of it and just have fun with it. Turns out...it's one of my favorite classes now. Of course, it doesn't hurt that the teacher is incredibly gifted at teaching and has made this an enjoyable experience. She knows her stuff and is passionately creative about it. And just yesterday, she let us out early. Gotta love that! Go Ms. Kofoed!!!

I'm not just getting more comfortable at giving speeches, but I'm learning to take some risks and to slow down. I've become more confident and have found out a little bit more about myself and how I'm perceived.

I know that public speaking is not what I do best, although my professor says I'm a natural speaker if only I'd slow down! I know I'm not the best speaker in my class, and that's ok. But I own what I do, and I'm just enjoying being myself. Come to find out...I'm considered very personable when giving speeches even if I do sound like a chipmunk on crack. Thus, I'm learning to slow down. 

I maintain that it's not that I speak too fast, it's that people in the South think too slow!

I've enjoyed learning my lesson of how to make the best of a not so desirable situation. I'm praying that will carryover into other areas of life as well. Although the situation definitely requires stretching myself and results in growth, I am finding out that the journey can be a lot of fun in the process. Learning is lifelong, and I'm finally embracing that. And while I'm at it, I'm learning to have fun with it.

It's funny the things God uses to teach us. In this case, public speaking class.  Who knew?

food was meant for the stomach, not for the heart

we all have holes in our souls, places that are incomplete, damaged, ravenous even. last night, as i tossed and turned, i felt God showing me some holes in my own soul.

every time i start a journey, God visits with me and reveals areas of hurt, unforgiveness and insecurity. i realize this is necessary, but it is very uncomfortable and sometimes unnerving when God shines light on my darkness forcing me to acknowledge its presence.

what does this have to do with overeating? for me...just about everything.

i eat to satisfy my hunger. i overeat to satisfy the longings of my soul. food has a numbing affect. some people turn to alcohol. i turn to food. when the binge is over, i feel guilty. i feel incomplete. the food doesn't magically make my life better. it doesn't heal my soul or fill the holes in it. it makes it worse.

today i stuggled. i have fought back tears. i have run to food many times today outside the boundaries of hunger so that i could fill my longing heart, but i can't feed my heart with food. it's one thing to feed your stomach when you're hungry. it's quite another to medicate yourself with food.

though i struggled today (and still am), i have so far been able to put the food down and walk away. it's so hard, but as I read psalms today, God reassured me he has heard me today.

all things in moderation

my name is hope, and i'm a perfectionist...

i am such an overachiever. i admit it. i thought i was over my perfectionist ways, but going back to school has enabled me to see that i haven't quite gotten it out of my system.

i study too much. i burn myself out. it's sad.

i guess i could have worse addictions. it's unfortunate that my perfectionism doesn't extend to household chores. i haven't really cleaned my house in months. it used to bother me. not so much anymore. one day, i'll hire someone to do that for me. yep, that's the plan.

thank GOD for spring break next week! i have already given myself a good "come to JESUS talk" regarding no schoolwork for at least a couple of days. yes, i do plan to study some during that time, but i will make myself take a much-needed break. AND I WILL NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT EITHER!!!

i guess my point is that even good things and good-for-us things need to be done in moderation.

i am taking my own advice. i promise...well, i'll start next week.

it's ok to be responsible. but let's remember this: live a little. laugh a lot.

don't feel guilty when you take time to enjoy life!

take care!

the voice of truth

one day...
i'm singing a corny, happy song, and the next, i'm trying hard not to break down and cry.

i have always been sensitive, too much so. i take things too personally. i fear rejection. i'm introspective to a fault. it's not bad to be sensitive. it's normal to not want to be rejected. but seriously, i take it all too far. i realize that. i've worked to change the extreme degree of it, but much to my dismay, i have been unable to change that about myself.

i hear that when you know you haven't done anything, you shouldn't worry about it. that's no consolation to me. i don't know why. it probably has something to do with my being introspective to a fault. when someone is upset with me or mistreats me, the first thing i have always done is wonder, "what did i do? did i say or do something wrong?" maybe that doesn't sound too bad. if more people would ask that of themselves first rather than lash out, maybe the world would be a better place. however, i don't just stop there. whether or not i can identify something, i start playing the tape in my head, "you must have done something. it's your fault. no one likes you."

it's funny how lately GOD has taken many opportunities to have all the christian radio stations at my disposal play the song, "the voice of truth" by casting crowns. i hear it more now than when it was popular and first released. i think he's trying to help me develop a healthier way of dealing with this. for some reason, however, i can't seem to accept that truth.

GOD, don't give up on me. if it's my fault, help me see it and deal with it. if it's not, again...help me see it and deal with it. don't stop telling me words of truth, and help me know when the lies are winning. help me silence them. i could ask you to do it. you probably would. but i want to be a part of the process so that i don't keep ending up here.

do christian-bashers have a point?

i watched a couple of tv shows recently in which there was some christian-bashing going on. i admit. it was hard to hear what they were saying. on one hand, i'm a conservative christian. i'm the stereotype they were making jokes about. but i'm also disillusioned with the institution of church so in some respects i can understand their perspective. i've even secretly thought the same things.

my heart ached a little because i see where they're coming from. christians have begun to be known for what and who we're against. every time you turn around, we're boycotting this, or we're outraged about that. we're supposed to be known by our love. we're supposed to possess the fruit of the spirit which, in addition to love, is joy and peace, patience, gentleness, kindness and goodness, faithfulness and self-control. we're told in philippians to not only look out for our own interests but also the interests of others and not to be selfish and proud, but give more honor to others than ourselves.

yet this is not how we christians are perceived today. the people spoke about our negativity, our dogmatism, our rigidity, our condescension, our hypocrisy. i asked myself, "do they have a point?", "am i guilty?"

they may indeed have a point. i admit that when i act out of woundedness, i can slide into that stereotype. i can be guilty of one or more because i become self-focused, i push people away, and i hide emotionally or put up a front to protect myself. insecurity manifests itself in condescension and arrogance. i know i'm guilty of this at times. so once again, i am in one of my introspective, self-assessing modes.

i can point to many examples of christians being a poor representation of GOD. i've been turned off as well. i heard someone say that their problem was not with GOD but with his children. i get that. and i don't want to be that.

since then, i've apologized profusely to GOD, and i am truly sorry for being a poor representation myself. i want to be known for pointing people TO GOD not away from him. GOD is FOR people. i want to be known for being FOR people, too. i want to be known for my love and openness and caring attitudes and actions. i want to blow that stereotype out of the water that christians are angry, arrogant hypocrites. i'm not perfect. i will disappoint. but i'm trying to change and be that person that represents a good and loving GOD. that's who he is, even when i'm not.

that which does not kill us makes us...

"that which does not kill us makes us stronger" -- friedrich nietzsche

i used to say that a lot, but then for a while i got stuck emotionally and couldn't get out of that funk i was in. therefore, i added a little to it..."that which does not kill us makes us stronger...or bitter" -- nietzsche and hammond.

and it's true. we do have a choice...to be stronger or to be bitter. now, i choose to be stronger. i use my experiences to help others and to add value to their lives as well as my own.

i figured that i might as well take the crappy stuff in my life and use it for good. it's my choice.

this new perspective has made me feel more at peace and more in control of my life and situations. sure, i don't have the innocence and naivety i used to, but i'm better for it now. i'm smarter and wiser. and my experiences keep me from getting blindsided so much. they help me see the path before me a lot clearer. i choose to be strong today.

it's not you, it's me...or is it?

sometimes you have to get really uncomfortable to change. i think i'm there on an issue. i take things too personally. i don't want to be insensitive, but seriously, something's gotta give here. sometimes things happen. they just do. why? is there a reason? yes. no. maybe. who knows?

my first thought anytime something goes wrong where i'm concerned is "what did i do?" or "what's wrong with me?" it's ok, even good to be introspective, but not when you take it as far as i do. though it's not the case all the time, sometimes i think it's self-absorption to be this introspective. i do it to a fault. i know this. i am aware of this. i blame myself anytime something goes wrong. i can't seem to forgive myself. that's an unhealthy response.

and i always think i'm a horrible person...but what if i'm not? what if sometimes it's not me? what if it's not my fault? what if i didn't do anything wrong? what if the other person is having a bad day? what if they have issues?

a healthy perspective is needed here. sometimes things just happen, and it's nobody's fault. sometimes things happen, and it is my fault. but sometimes...maybe once in a blue moon or so...something happens, and it's not me. it really is you. could it be? it's worth a thought or two.

i'm not a bad person. i'm not a mean person. overly sensitive? i would say so in many areas of my life. not all. i'm confident in a few areas, so i'm not a complete mess.

but i think i had an epiphany tonight. it's not always me! and so what if it is sometimes?... life goes on. i try to make amends. i do the best i can... but whatever the case may be...life goes on. and i'm tired of hurting. life goes on... and gives the gift of a new start with each new break of day.

personal: 4 in 4

4 things i am working on for the next 4 weeks:

1. lose 7 pounds: exercise regularly, eat smaller and healthier portions. get back to walking 3 miles.
2. bible reading: stay current on my reading plan
3. emerge ministry: put finishing touches on powerpoint and sessions; plan worship sets
4. home: organize and down-size (declutter) living room, dining room, kitchen, and laundry room

i decided to break down my resolutions into smaller, easier-to-handle pieces. each month, i plan to evaluate and plan my next set of goals. so here i go!

new year, new beginning

i've been surprisingly optimistic this week. i love new year's eve/day, complete with new resolutions and new beginnings. i have spent this last year or so really working on some areas of my life. it's hard living in a spiritual and emotional deficit. it has taken everything i have just to get to even par. but now, i feel like that is changing. with the help of friends, family and a great big GOD, i've been able to put a lot of junk behind me. it feels great. it's time to live in the overflow, the abundance.

i'm not sure about all my new year's resolutions. i have a little time left to solidify those decisions. however, i do know that i have a new ministry i'm really excited about so i'll be throwing myself into that, i want to get more involved in the community, and i want to run at least a couple of 5k races.

it's time for my new beginning. i'm excited about it. and just the other day, i was alone with GOD, and i felt a smile slowly forming on my face, and i got the sneaking suspicion that GOD put there to let me know my best is yet to come, and it begins right about now. that's a great feeling. welcome, 2010!

still standing update

it's amazing how quickly things can change. am i out of the woods yet? nope, but at least i feel like i have more hope than i did earlier this week. i did more than just stand.

i ate a lot better, got in a lot of exercise, talked out my anger issues, got my laundry done, and got the kids to clean up some things around the house. once again my devotional was encouraging and inspiring. it was about developing a better picture-- getting a new vision. this morning built on that devotional. we've all heard the passage about putting new wine into old wineskins. osteen put it this way: "...you cannot have a larger life with restricted attitudes...God wants to fill your life with "new wine," and He wants to give you new "wineskins," new concepts, in which to contain it. But you must be willing to get rid of your old wineskins. Start thinking bigger. Enlarge your vision and get rid of the old negative mind-set that holds you back."

i think sometimes right before we have a breakthrough, we get angry and frustrated. i think that's where i am. sometimes we have to get really uncomfortable before we change. and i'm trying to change and get new "wineskins" so that i can hold the "new wine," the new dreams, that GOD has for me. i'm pretty uncomfortable and frustrated. i hope that means positive change is just around the corner.

yesterday, i hoped for a good day...and that's what i had.

thanks, GOD, for not walking away from me when i'm at my worst. thank you for your gift of hope and your gift of dreams. help me enlarge my vision, and give me that "far and beyond favor" that you tell about in ephesians 2. i still have a lot of work to do to be the person i know you want me to be. help me to remember that with you, i can accomplish this and so much more.

self-improvement update

my 3 areas of self-improvement:



weight loss:

did pretty well until this weekend and totally blew it. according to charts i saw this morning, i should be 30 pounds lighter to be in the middle of my healthy weight range. so i will attempt to start anew today. i have only eaten when hungry, but it is only 10:30. the most difficult time for me is the evening and night. my goal today is to take it one moment at a time to eat healthy and exercise at least 15 minutes. it's not much, but it's a start. i just want to start developing better habits.



daily devotional:

i got a new devotional book by joel osteen called your best life now. it's already helping me to have a positive attitude and outlook. yesterday's reading was taken from hebrews 11. i got stuck at verse 34 "...whose weakness was turned into strength." i take that as a promise. i have a number of weaknesses and insecurities. i will have faith that they will be turned into strength.



ministry:

i spent hours working on it last week. i finally got the brochure done, i think. i'm planning to concentrate on 2 sessions this week. one is about leading with scars. i'm starting to feel more comfortable with the thought of public speaking...most days.



one other area:

i'm trying to get my house organized and cleaned up, so if i can just get one thing done each day, i'll feel like i actually accomplished something. i'll be making a list today of things that need to get done.

transformation: emotional eating

got to confess. today was a little more challenging on my journey to transformation. i found it very painful to eat only one serving of my yummy dark chocolate with orange and almond slivers. dang! but i did it! it's wrapped up very nicely in a bag and is resting in the pantry. my heart is screaming for it, but i have to remind myself that my heart will not be satisfied with chocolate or food of any kind. my stomach is satisfied. it desires no more food. once again, i'm trying to fill a void in my heart with food. GOD, please fill my heart with you. my heart yearns for something. emotional eating only makes me feel guilty and packs the weight on. give me strength to pull away from the call of the chocolate. i know this sounds silly, but i am dead serious right now. i don't ever want to be a slave to food again. fill my heart with peace.

my first 3 challenges of self-improvement

there are three things i want to concentrate on this week in the area of self-improvement:

1. healthy eating
2. daily devotionals/bible study
3. working on ministry

a few weeks ago, i was so happy about having lost 10 pounds. now, i've gained much of it back. a few years ago, i managed to lose a lot of weight using the principles taught by gwen shamblin called weigh down. it has since been shunned by the christian community due to some doctrinal issues, but i feel that those original principles are really sound. in a nutshell, those principles were the following:

1. eat only when you're hungry
2. stop when you're full
3. eat what your body is calling for

on the spiritual side of things, weigh down taught that when we eat emotionally, we're trying to fill a hole inside us. rather than fill that spiritual hole in our hearts with GOD, we try instead to fill our hearts with food. it sounds easy, but i cried and battled with myself many times before i began to get things in order.

i lost down to my healthy weight, but then i got pregnant again and soon got lazy with my eating habits. i think it's time to give it another shot. my healthy weight is about 30 pounds less than what i am now. but my focus shouldn't be the weight so much as it should be following the principles that will help free me from my slavery to food.

as for daily devotionals/bible study, i will probably go back and finish up a bible study that i left incomplete. i am thinking about one on transparency.

and as for working on ministry stuff, i have a lot to do. my goal is to be ready by the end of the month to begin doing conferences called emerge: empowering young women to lead with humility and fearlessness. i think i can accomplish this by spending 30-45 minutes a day working on it.

it's a lot of stuff to work on, but i think those are the most important for me right now. so, i'll be sure to blog a lot as i strive to make these positive changes part of my everyday life. i welcome all prayers and encouragement! =)

a new chapter: self-improvement

it appears the more you work on yourself, the more work you realize you have yet to do. there are so many areas in which i need to improve that i get a little overwhelmed just thinking about it. i see another list coming in my future. this time it's not a "to forgive" list but a self-improvement list.

but an update on the "to forgive" list might be in order. my list is down to 6 entries. 4 of them are about the same situation. so really, i only have 3 situations left. and 2 are probably really close to being dealt with. i usually am a little slow at marking things off. i want to be sure. i really hate having to add them back again. i am happy and surprised at how well i've reacted in the presence of those who have formerly been on my list. i don't get that rise of anger anymore, and when i feel it coming, i make it a point to remind myself i've forgiven them, so i can't use the offense against them anymore.

now onto more self-improvement. i've got areas that i need to put in check, while there are other areas in which i need to develop healthy habits. so, that means i'll be blogging forever. =)