Hope Discovers The Action of Non-Action

My husband is not a complicated man, yet he perplexes me and has done so for years.

I am a woman of action in most circumstances. If something needs to be said, I say it. Since I don't have much of a filter, that gets me into trouble sometimes, but at least the elephant in the room gets a 'shout out.' If something needs to be done, I don't wait for permission. I get to work. Sometimes I get bogged down because I see so many things that need my attention, but at least someone is doing something.

And then there's that laid-back, go-with-the-flow husband of mine who sometimes seems blissfully ignorant of the stress and problems that surrounds us. He's calm. He's patient. He smiles. He's content. He listens. He considers.

He doesn't react. And that has driven me crazy for years! To say that I have been befuddled is quite the understatement. I am animated enough for the both of us I suppose, but in some of the circumstances we've been in, I just could not understand for the life of me how he could just NOT react!

And then I met a Hindu and a Buddhist while in college in my religious studies courses. And I began to understand. Now I am no expert on these religions. Not even close. But over the course of a couple of semesters, I came to understand a little bit about the action of non-action. In Christianity, we have a similar teaching for this. James 1:19 says, "My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

It's not non-action. It doesn't mean you don't do anything because you're lazy and apathetic. It's more like the 'action of non-action.' It takes discipline. It takes practice...for some of us, more than others. It takes a conscious decision. And it can be powerful.

My husband and I actually put this into practice together a while back. We had a situation arise, and we both made the decision to not engage. We chose to take the course of non-action. He took the lead because he is the more experienced one in this area. And I was simply astounded! I watched as situations unfolded and worked themselves out. There were times I wanted to intervene, but I chose not to. I did vent to some trusted friends, though. The weight of the world did not rest on my shoulders, and my stress level was minimal. It worked itself out before my very eyes! Now I prayed like crazy during this time, but chose not to act because it wasn't the right thing to do here.

Now is this how things normally happen when you choose the action of non-action? I don't know. I am new to this. Does this mean you should never react? I don't think so. I think there is a balance. I think discernment is needed.

As I look back on my parenting style, I realize I kind of did this with my kids. There were many times, I didn't react. I stepped back and let them learn on their own. I let them realize there were consequences to their actions. I let them learn responsibility. I let them learn social skills. But there were times I had to intervene. It took some practice, but I eventually learned when to act and when not to. My kids have turned out pretty good. I can't complain. I really can't.

So maybe I'm not too bad at this action of non-action after all, but I still don't hold a candle to my husband. There is hope for me, though I don't see myself choosing the action of non-action when I witness the injustices of referees on a basketball court. Baby steps. One thing photography has taught me is that I don't have to know everything or be perfect at everything, I just have to be better than last week. I think I might can manage that.

To actively act or to non-actively act...yes, that is the question. God, grant me the wisdom to know when to apply each in my life.

Whatcha Carrying?

Pic borrowed from ivyleagueinsecurities.com

I've come to realize that in every circumstance there is both good and bad. The good I always try to take with me. The bad? Well, I do my best to leave the bad behind while taking with me the lessons learned, the things that make me a better person.

We carry stuff everywhere we go. This stuff can be a help or a hindrance.

Take for instance when we go on a trip. We bring along our luggage. We carry the things we need, things to make that trip easy, enjoyable and relaxing. This is good stuff to carry.

In life, we carry luggage like this, too. It aids us in making the most of life. It is good. It is a help and not a hindrance.

But so much of the time I tend to focus on baggage, the negative stuff that weighs me down and keeps me from living life.

It's like this. When we leave a situation, especially in a hurry, we tend to pack up everything. As we get settled into our new surroundings, we start going through the packages and determine what can stay and what needs to go.

Sometimes it takes a while to leave behind the things that need to stay in the past. It does for me.

I've decided that while addressing the stuff that needs to go is good and necessary, I also need to pay more attention to the stuff that needs to go with me into my new situations. I have a lot of good, a lot of lessons, a lot of experiences I can share with others.

Both the good and the bad have made me into the person that I am, but I feel like I need to start focusing more on the good luggage. I've ignored it for too long, and focusing on ridding myself of the bad baggage quite honestly hasn't made it go away any faster.

These are my thoughts based on the book Pause by Chris Maxwell. I hope you check it out!

ugliness is part of the journey

the butterflies in my stomach began to flutter, and i had this feeling of "oh, crap" come over me. i knew i had to speak up. the leader had asked at least three times if anyone else had something to say. i tried to talk myself out of it, but it was no use. i waited as long as i could. i cleared my throat, swallowed my fear, and began to share my story.

i know how it feels to be hurt, to hate, to feel worthless, to be lonely and depressed, to want to end it all. i've been there. i was broken.

but i'm not broken anymore. and i had something to say.

the discussion was about spiritual healing and wholeness. i am no therapist. i hold no credentials in psychology. but life has taught me well. my heart found comfort that we were discussing such matters. these discussions were way overdue.

for years, i struggled, mostly in silence. i was hurt by organized religion, but because i still worked in it, i "sucked it up" and trudged along. i carried so much emotional baggage that i almost physically ached. one difficult day, i had what i think was an anxiety attack. i knew that something had to change. the stress was becoming overwhelming.

i began to write. i thought i would explode if i kept all these feelings bottled up much longer. i made my journey to wholeness available to anyone who wanted to read by starting a blog, my online journal...journey of hope.

it was an ugly journey. it was long. it was painful. i had good days and bad. sometimes i felt sick like i'd ridden a roller coaster non-stop for hours. and one day, it happened. i erupted. the pain and hurt that i released was incredible...and so very ugly. i let GOD have it. more accurately, i cussed him out. i hated him for everything he allowed to happen to me. he could have struck me down, could have allowed the earth to swallow me up. instead, he quieted my spirit and spoke these words to my heart, "finally. now we can get somewhere."

some people get offended when i share that. that's okay. i know GOD's big enough to handle it. his kindness and mercy that day brought freedom, forgiveness and peace to my life. the ugliness is gone today because GOD was my safe place. he allowed me to hate and be venomous, and he loved me through it.

we need to take off the masks, face the ugliness, and let GOD make something beautiful out of our brokenness. GOD is our safe place. and once we've dealt with the reality that we are broken, we need to be that safe place for others.

i think a lot of us are unprepared for how ugly the journey to wholeness is. but it's time: time for transparency and time for honesty. GOD will be there to pick up the pieces, and he will make something beautiful out of them. we will smile again, a real smile. we won't take others' woundedness so personally because we have dealt with our own. and peace will be ours.

to move forward, you need to face your past

i've heard many times over to always look ahead and never look back, but sometimes in order to move forward, you need to face your past.

today, i revisited some difficult times from my own past. some memories brought tears to my eyes, but the visit resulted in some good, healthy emotions.

i'm ready to move forward with my life, and many of those experiences have prepared me for my future. if i hadn't gone through what i did, i'm not sure i would have ended up where i am now. as difficult as they were, i think i'm grateful...grateful for who i am as a result of those experiences. or at least grateful they are part of my past and not my present.

i have always tried to hold on to what was good in every bad situation, but now i have plans to turn what was bad into something good.

and today i am at peace with my past. i'm content to let it remain where it is. but i have to say that i am amazed to see where i was in comparison to where i am now. only by the grace of GOD, i s'pose i should say. yeah, only by the grace of GOD.

quit focusing on the storm

so, GOD, i'm feeling a little bit like a failure. i'm having trouble trusting you with a few areas.

it reminds me of when peter attempted to walk on the water to JESUS. he stepped out of the boat while the storm raged all around. instead of keeping his eyes on JESUS, peter turned to look at the waves and began to sink.

i know i should look up, but the waves are distracting me from seeing you, GOD, in all this.

just like you did with peter, you've called me to come out to you. no sooner did i get out of the boat, but i began to sink.

i suppose i should find comfort in knowing that when peter called out to you, you reached to him, pulled him up, and helped him into the boat. all i have to do is call out to you, and you'll do the same for me.

i just feel so bad when i fail. i should be grateful and thankful instead of looking at the storm around me. i guess i'm asking for you to forgive me and to help me forgive myself. i don't like doubting that you'll take care of us. i know how much i care about my kids and want good things for them, so how much, much, much more you care about me and want good things for me and my family! why do i ever doubt you?

peace after the storm

i must have really gotten GOD's attention the other day when my emotional volcano erupted. i admit it. i was screaming at him as loudly as my hoarse voice would allow me. it wasn't a very pretty ordeal, but i believe GOD hears our cries of desperation. i think it finally took that last straw to make me feel like my back was against the wall. i hurt deeply. i can't begin to describe the hurt, anger and despair i experienced. i demanded that GOD show himself... and he did.

i had a restless night that night. GOD must have visited me through my dreams. his thoughts, his heart, his perspective were my first thoughts upon awakening. i had begged him to let the dawn take away my hurt and anger. when i opened my eyes to face the new day, those emotions were gone. maybe he knew i previously wasn't ready to let go. he waited until i was honest with myself and him about it. pure, raw honesty.

among the things he showed me was that i needed to pray for the ones who hurt me. for the first time in my life, i think, i didn't follow that with an objection. i'm still surprised by that response. yet pray i have.

i cannot say that it will be easier next time. i don't know. i hope so. i asked for peace. peace has not eluded me these last couple of days. i didn't expect to face some of the issues i have faced since the eruption. but it has made me a better person. GOD answered me when i cried out in desperation. he showed himself to me and helped me understand, at least a little better. i have a lot more closure and acceptance today than i have had in a long time. i guess sometimes it takes an explosion to get a little peace.

i am grateful for all the encouragement and prayers. i don't think i could have gotten through this weekend without them. thanks, all!

the emotional turn-around

feeling better today. yesterday was just really rough. i thought i had prepared. not enough, i guess. i just keep telling myself that what others mean for harm, GOD means for good. and people who do that kind of stuff to others are not at peace in their own lives. instead of being angry, i should pity them. i should pray for them. perhaps if they found what they were lacking, they wouldn't hurt people like they do. i'm not sure they realize they hurt people, which is a huge problem in itself. i may not have money or influence or fancy possessions, but i do have some really good intangibles in my life that obviously they are lacking. i don't have to belittle or manipulate others in order to make myself look and feel better. i don't have to push others down in order to advance myself or my family members.

GOD and i had some conversations thru-out the night. i think i understand better. in studying about the apostle paul, i learned there were places he tried to go, but something always stood in the way of him getting to his desired destination. maybe that's happening a little here. i've been praying a lot for GOD's favor on my family, particularly on my children. perhaps this is part of that favor...helping us get pointed in the direction where his favor can just overwhelm us. i'm trying to change my perspective. i feel like i'm always gonna face this unless i figure out a better way of dealing with it. i'm tired of being a victim. i don't want to be the aggressor. i am trying to find that peace that passes all understanding. i'm trying to learn to be content in any situation. i have not mastered that art. but one day...

it's a beautiful day today, and i'm going to spend it with my family and enjoy it. and that's something others can't take away from me. i let them steal my yesterday, but today is mine. how's that for a turn-around?

that which does not kill us makes us...

"that which does not kill us makes us stronger" -- friedrich nietzsche

i used to say that a lot, but then for a while i got stuck emotionally and couldn't get out of that funk i was in. therefore, i added a little to it..."that which does not kill us makes us stronger...or bitter" -- nietzsche and hammond.

and it's true. we do have a choice...to be stronger or to be bitter. now, i choose to be stronger. i use my experiences to help others and to add value to their lives as well as my own.

i figured that i might as well take the crappy stuff in my life and use it for good. it's my choice.

this new perspective has made me feel more at peace and more in control of my life and situations. sure, i don't have the innocence and naivety i used to, but i'm better for it now. i'm smarter and wiser. and my experiences keep me from getting blindsided so much. they help me see the path before me a lot clearer. i choose to be strong today.

be yourself; turn up the volume

i came across someone's link the other day. it was about having fun. and there was one thing that stuck out in my mind ever since. i'm probably paraphrasing a bit, but here goes...find out who you are. be yourself. and turn up the volume.

and so that's what i've been doing. i'm tiring myself out trying to live up to the standards that others have for me. it's time i reconnect with myself. it's time i accept myself for who i am. it's time i start to like me again. and it's time to turn up the volume... and i've had a blast these past few days.

i'm hope being hope. i do feel like myself again. tonight, someone told me they enjoyed talking to me yesterday and although my name is hope, i am full of joy. and she's right. i am. at least the real me is. and it feels good to be me. i've had some wonderful conversations with some fun and nice people who have taken the time to get to know the real me and accept me.

i'm not perfect. i don't always say and do the "right" thing at the "right" time. but i don't have to be perfect. GOD just expects me to be the best me i can be. i am not going to please everybody, but i think it's time i narrow my list of those i truly need to please...to one. that would be GOD. and if he's happy. i'm happy. and probably so are many of those around me. =)

personal: i am determined

i think i've found a kindred spirit in the book of job. i have felt much of the anguish he expressed. it's all too familiar. don't get me wrong. i am not nearly the person he was nor have i experienced the depth of pain and loss, but i know those feelings well nonetheless.

though i haven't finished reading his story this time, i know that it ends well. there is hope for me, i know. and i am determined to be happy and fulfilled.

these last few years have been tough. i've been wounded, gotten bitter, seen my anger turn into hatred. but last year, i started a journey to become whole, to love, to find peace. i'm more aware when i have my porcupine quills out, so i try to chill and allow people to get close to me. i've noticed that my heart closes up when i fear being hurt. i'm finally at a place where i can stop midstream and evaluate my reactions and in many cases try to react in healthier, more positive ways. i don't always succeed, but at least i'm aware. that's a huge step for me.

i am still trying to find my place in the world. i'm still looking for the place i belong. i'm having visions of the show "cheers" where everybody knows your name. i know how that feels. i lived that for a while, and now i know i'm missing it. i want that again.

i feel like i've dug out the bitterness and woundedness, and now i have divots in my heart. now it's time to fill those holes with happiness and peace. i am determined that i will this year. i can feel it. this will be a good year for me. by the end of 2010, i will no longer be living in a deficit. my life will be overflowing and at peace, and i'll be able to give that peace and fulfillment and happiness to others around me. i am determined.

new year, new beginning

i've been surprisingly optimistic this week. i love new year's eve/day, complete with new resolutions and new beginnings. i have spent this last year or so really working on some areas of my life. it's hard living in a spiritual and emotional deficit. it has taken everything i have just to get to even par. but now, i feel like that is changing. with the help of friends, family and a great big GOD, i've been able to put a lot of junk behind me. it feels great. it's time to live in the overflow, the abundance.

i'm not sure about all my new year's resolutions. i have a little time left to solidify those decisions. however, i do know that i have a new ministry i'm really excited about so i'll be throwing myself into that, i want to get more involved in the community, and i want to run at least a couple of 5k races.

it's time for my new beginning. i'm excited about it. and just the other day, i was alone with GOD, and i felt a smile slowly forming on my face, and i got the sneaking suspicion that GOD put there to let me know my best is yet to come, and it begins right about now. that's a great feeling. welcome, 2010!

thoughts for today

not really sure what to say, but just in the mood to write. so what's in my heart this morning? a lot. probably too much. feels like an a.d.d. day. this i know...i'm thankful for the peace in my heart today. there's a lot more peace these days. i've really surprised myself at how much anxiety and unforgiveness i've let go of lately. i owe so much of that to GOD's grace and patience. i haven't "arrived," and i'm far from perfect. but at least i feel like i'm going somewhere now. i feel like these last few years i've been barely able to tread water. good enough to stay afloat. now i feel like i'm swimming. now i'm not stuck. i'm making progress. not real sure where i'm heading but trusting that GOD knows and that he's leading me.

quick thoughts on the season

my heart is feeling more at peace. i had a minor setback last night, but my recovery time was quicker. so i must be getting better? i think so.

i am glad that my family is at home from school/work this week. my favorite time of the year has always been christmas, but my kids seem to prefer thanksgiving over all other holidays. i'm sure the annual family turkey bowl football game has a lot to do with that.

i am so thankful for my family. and i am thankful for the peace in my heart. i haven't felt this much peace in years. i owe that to GOD. i've still got a long way to go, but i know i've come a long way.

GOD, help me to always be mindful of your graciousness and goodness. without you, i am nothing.

new direction...feels better than Christmas

a while back, GOD started showing me a different direction for my life and ministry. i'm in the time of preparation currently, and it is definitely a challenging time for me. i am working on a ministry to women, specifically young women; and my mission is to empower them to lead with humility and fearlessness. as a result, i'm really being challenged in the areas of humility, fearlessness and forgiveness.

this week has seen more than a few challenges, but with the help of the word of GOD and some godly friends, i am getting through this. i have felt bogged down with all the baggage i've been carrying, and each day sees more freedom. that freedom does not come easily.

pride is a very broad subject and comes in many forms. my biggest struggle right now with pride is my thinking i can do "it" on my own, that i can hold on to things that actually belong to GOD. i guess when it comes down to it, i feel i can do a better job with my life than he can. the contrary is a difficult lesson to learn. most of my pride comes in the form of unforgiveness and a desire for retribution. i guess i've thought that GOD didn't understand and wouldn't know what to do. how silly to think such nonsense.

fearlessness...i have had so much fear in my life. to be fearless means you are courageous. i've been hiding behind my defense mechanisms. i've heard others describe me at times as being bold and courageous, but i never really see it. i guess it's because i know my thoughts and emotions and my history. why GOD would ask me to help others be fearless...huh, i guess he means what he said in 1 Corinthians 1 about him using what others think of as foolish and feeble to confound the wise and powerful.

my heart is being cleaned of the sludge of unforgiveness, pride and cowardice. i feel like i'm moving ahead with GOD's plans for my life. and now i can feel excited about this new chapter...it's kind of like Christmas...only better.

"write but don't send"

i did what i needed to do yesterday. i wrote a letter to those left on my "to forgive" list. it's one of those "write but don't send" kind of letters...at least not in that form. in it, i gave an explanation and my own apology. i felt good immediately. and it was just in time. i saw a few of them last night. but this time i treated them like i wish they had treated me and my family. i can't trust that their nice responses were genuine. i'm pretty sure that at least one of them wasn't. i heard her complain about someone in my family again. i'm not sure how long i'll be able to show mercy if that continues. however, i am not going to do anything about that at this time. in praying for them like the Bible says to do, i've started asking that GOD heal what's not whole in them. the truth is that if they were whole and fulfilled, they would have never behaved in such a deplorable manner. they must have brokenness, too. i was proud of the way i handled myself. i still am choosing not to put myself back into a situation where they can use and abuse, but i can be "shrewd as a snake and harmless as a dove." to me, that means to love from a distance.

the last entries

i keep getting all these devotionals and messages and blogs in which people are discussing forgiveness. as much as i am familiar with the process, i must confess that i have needed each and every one of those words. i am really struggling with those last few entries on my "to forgive"list. i hate having to admit that, but to surpress it would be wrong and damaging.

i have a difficult time being around people who are duplicitous and unjust. all those left on my list fall into both those categories. it angers me every time they flash a smile and try to be nice to our faces. why? because i've seen them do that before, yet as soon as we or someone else they consider inferior turn their backs, those people begin the backstabbing, gossip and belittling. i can't trust them. just recently, i saw this done again to my family. it makes me angry all over again. i struggle with confronting them b/c i'm afraid it will only make things worse. but i can't seem to act like i never knew this all happened.

i want to be obedient. i want to be able to pray for those who spitefully use us and say unkind things about us behind our backs. i want to be blameless and walk in peace, but my lingering unforgiveness is making me as much at fault as they are. my heart is torn. if i have to be honest, i'd have to say that not only do i completely abhor what they've done and their ways and means of getting their agendas met, but i believe i hate them personally. i don't want that. why is this so hard? i know i should leave the vengeance to GOD, but i so want them to pay...and the sooner the better. i hate feeling that way as much as i hate those people. something's got to give.

i know what i need to do, and i can't move on until i do it. GOD, give me the courage to do what is right and what brings peace and unity. help me do my part to live at peace with everyone. i can't make them do the right thing. i question whether or not they actually have a conscience. but i do. i can't feel my way into doing what i need to do. i guess this is where faith and obedience is going to have to guide me.

why? why? why?

i'm really having a rough morning. i woke up angry...angry at a person on my "to forgive" list. and i mean really angry. i sincerely wanted to go beat the crap out of him this morning.

but now, seriously...who am i more mad at...him or me? i think i'm more upset with myself for allowing him to have the power to make me so dang mad. i hate that. why am i finding it so hard to let go? is it that i've suppressed my anger for a while and now it has to surface before i can be free of it? i hope i'm about to be free of this, but i'm not sure. i wonder how i'll react when i see him again around town. i hope i'll be gracious and forgiving, but today i'm not sure. what is it that has made me so angry this morning? i'm not supposed to be there. my time is done. i get that. why can't i forgive this? why would i even WANT to hang on? why is it so important to me to hear the words "i'm sorry"? why don't they ever get spoken? why can't i stop asking why and just learn to accept?

oh, GOD! please make whole whatever this is that keeps me from letting go and moving on. fix this in me. i want to walk in forgiveness and grace, not anger and bitterness. please hear and understand the groaning in my heart. make sense of this. please give me peace and closure, and if it's possible, some degree of understanding. heal my heart. i feel like that egg that i dropped this morning... too broken to salvage it. but you made my heart. you know what it takes to fuse it back together...again.

"don't make me pay for what he did to you"

i was sitting in church this morning. a pastor friend of ours invited us to his church for friend day. sitting there waiting for church to begin, GOD spoke to me. let me explain.

i love madea movies. in one movie (i forget which one), this woman is falling for a guy but is having a hard time being in the relationship. the guy knows it and tells her, "stop making me pay for what he did to you."

that's what GOD told me. he said that's what i'm doing to others in my life. i'm making them pay for what people in my past have done to me. i don't want to be that person. if i'm angry or hurt with someone, i should point my anger or hurt in their direction rather than towards those who are in no way associated with it. better yet, i should forgive and let go...not for the offenders, but for me.

there are people on my list who have no idea that they're there. some don't know, but others don't care. some don't deserve my forgiveness, but really...do any of us? only by the grace of GOD i suppose. i have to forgive for me. i've said over and over again that forgiveness doesn't make what happened ok. forgiveness makes me ok. i don't want my baggage to hurt my present or my future. i have to let go for me.

it's not fair to me or those around me to punish them for what others have done to me. i can't let people have that kind of power over me. so this week, i'm working on my "to forgive" list with that in mind.

GOD, help me to not punish others for the offenses committed against me. i want to be free. i want to have that child-like faith, that child-like innocence. i want to trust. i want to be happy. it's hard to be happy when i'm tired b/c of my baggage weighing me down. forgive me for my unforgiveness which has turned into pride...me thinking i can do it without you. thanks for the service this morning and for the pastor's message. it touched my heart. thanks, mic, and thanks barnesville first assembly.

feeling strong enough to "go there"

i've been feeling a little rough these last couple of days. i've been battling sickness, and i do believe i won. yay! sickness isn't the only thing i've battled. i'm working through some would-be bitterness. i think i'm kicking butt on that one, too.

for me, at least, the hardest part to work through is the tail-end of a situation. the big stuff is usually a little easier. it's the wanting to understand why rather than the offense itself that's so difficult to resolve in my heart and mind. my mind accepts more readily than my heart, and since i'm a feeler more than a thinker, the heart carries more weight with me.

i've talked a lot about my list of people i need to forgive. so i'm going to revisit that list this week. i think it's time. i feel strong enough to "go there." i don't like feeling this hardness of anger and unforgiveness in my chest. it bothers me. i like to enjoy life, and that hardness weighs me down.

so, list, here i come! prepare to shrink! =)

laughter...=)

laughter does the heart good. i had a great time last week visiting with some good friends. david had to work, but i went so i could hang out. i had planned to work on some ministry stuff, but instead, i found myself enjoying the company of others.

the interesting thing is that a lot of us have experienced some difficult times recently. we talked, hugged, and cried a little, but then we somehow got caught up in laughter. in the cheerfulness and company of friends, we just laughed about everything and nothing at all. and it felt good...and right.

it just got me thinking how i'm not sure i've ever thanked GOD for laughter. laughter allows me to set aside my cares. it reminds me that there is still so much good left in the world. laughter and friends are 2 of GOD's greatest creations. thanks, GOD, i'll try to remember to laugh more often.