Growing Old Gracefully

As I grow older and experience more of life, I find it increasingly challenging to keep a soft heart. Reasons to be disillusioned, negative and closed off loom in various places, and those places seem to multiply at a rapid pace.

And that's a problem for me because I envision myself growing old gracefully, embracing life and living to the fullest. When I close my eyes, I see a vivacious, smiling, seasoned woman surrounded by friends and family...and lots and lots of grandchildren.

Allowing myself to be distracted by challenges, inconveniences and negativity threatens my dream of blissful existence.

A few years ago, I met a woman with many years behind her. It's safe to say she's seen a lot that could make her disillusioned, bitter and cold; yet she smiles more than anyone else I've ever known. As she speaks to others, her love and enthusiasm spread in a splendidly contagious way. People leave her presence feeling better about the world and life in general.

She says her body doesn't work like it use to, but that's okay because every day is a gift from God. She feels blessed to be alive.

She has a soft heart. She's who I want to be: a gracious, kind, loving and splendidly contagious woman.

I heard her tell someone once that she just loves life, she loves children, and she is grateful for all her many blessings.

Perhaps gratitude is the key: thanking God for all the blessings and for all the challenges. Perhaps bliss is a result of surrendering our circumstances to God and trusting that he's working it all out for our good.

I can't always choose my surroundings, but I can choose to be grateful. I can't always choose my path, but I can choose to trust God with my unknowns.

And as I grow older and my body gradually stops working like it used to, I can smile a genuine smile knowing that though my heart is aging, it's as soft as it's ever been. And perhaps I'll serve as inspiration to another generation to love, laugh and cherish life.

Don't Stop

As I'm approaching the end of my first year back at college, I am finding it difficult to keep on going. I think I see a flicker of light at the end of a dark tunnel, but I'm not sure about that. After this semester, I have 2 more semesters to go. I keep telling myself, "One more month till summer. Just one more month. You can do this." And everyday, I feel myself slipping into despair. The end will never come. One month is too long.

Now that I've sufficiently bummed everyone out, I will try to remedy that. I have come to realize that those are the times I need to take a deep breath and tell myself to just get through the day. That's it. That's all. Just one day. That day turns into two and then three until Thursday afternoon arrives marking the end of another week and bringing me one week closer to graduation.

I could give up. I did take a weekend off from studying. What an attitude I had, too! I'm NOT going to study. I HATE school. I'm NOT going to be responsible. ...and I sat on my sofa and played computer games all weekend. Monday rolled around, and I got my butt in gear and studied like there was no tomorrow...well, you know what I mean.

I didn't give up. I took a break. But then I got back in there, and I persevered. It paid off.

My point is that when life gets overwhelming, sometimes you need to take a break and rest for a moment and then suck it up and keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up. It's amazing how you get a little momentum going and before you know it, all is well. Or even if all doesn't turn out well, it's done and you survived. Sometimes that's a major accomplishment.

So...I'm taking my advice tonight. Take a moment and rebel against the system. OK. Now remember your goal. And get back in there and study. You can do this. Just keep going. Don't stop. Don't give up.

i will be safe in his arms

i was thinking yesterday about how far i've come in the last couple of years. i've carried much baggage over the last decade, and it's not been easy lugging it around. so i decided something had to change. i had to deal with that baggage and begin to rid myself of it.


that's been so hard at times. i cried. i screamed. i ached. i cursed. i threw things. i walked. i wrote. i prayed. i got numb. i accepted. i forgave. i let go. i smiled. i laughed. i experienced peace...finally!

these past couple of weeks have been challenging, as once again, i faced rejection and pain. however, i noticed something different in myself. i didn't have past baggage weighing my present down. it was gone. the hurts from the past weren't around to influence my thinking and my emotional state of being. i didn't relive the past. instead, i dealt with my present. and now i can move on to a blessed and wonderful future.


my favorite song right now is "safe" by phil wickham (check out the link below). "the hands that hold the world are holding your heart." i cry every time i read or hear those lyrics. others don't always take care of our hearts. heck, we don't always take care of our hearts. but GOD, who holds the world, takes care of my heart. he won't betray it, smash it, break it, throw it away. he knows its worth. he knows its value. my heart is precious to him. and he loves me so much that he holds my heart and cares for it when i and others don't.

today, i will be safe in his arms. the hands that hold the world are holding my heart. what a beautiful thought. hmmmm...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a6c3CYdqTG8

i have more to offer than i thought...go figure

a while back, i made the decision to go back to school to pursue a career in public relations. i start in august. guess what i found out?!?

businesses pay BIG BUCKS for stuff i've done for free in churches for years!

i've developed and led ministries, systems and teams, worked to integrate people into churches aka assimilation, assisted and coordinated summer camps, trained leaders, produced children's musicals, worked up outreach plans and radio church ads, worked with revitalization teams. i've worked in various ministries including children, youth, adult, music, hospitality, small groups, and i've assisted my husband with his responsibilities and goals. and with the exception of about a year's time, i've done it on a volunteer basis. ...and i did it with 4 kids and all that comes with being a wife and mom.

i'm not trying to toot my own horn. honest!

here i was thinking that i have zero experience and nothing to offer the world. i think i may have been wrong about that.

what got me thinking about this?

i read an article about stay-at-home parents and job experience and resumes and all that good stuff. there are others who have the same feelings and insecurities as i. we have a lot more to offer than we knew. contrary to what i thought, i have been honing those skills needed for public relations for years.

that suprised me and put a smile on my face.

i'm feeling just a wee bit smarter... and experienced!

and if anyone else is reading this...perhaps you know this feeling. perhaps you feel like you don't have much to offer. my guess is that you're more valuable than you realize.

revisiting the past

i finally have peace that has eluded me for years. i'm happy. i put smiley faces on everything! i'm spreading the happiness wherever i go. i carry on conversations with complete strangers and make eye contact with people i pass. this is huge for me because for about 8 years i've been a sanguine who's afraid of people. well, not anymore. i feel like me again! and my perspective on life is so much brighter.

but i got my first real challenge this week since my heart healed. i got pulled into a situation that i consciously and determinedly walked away from years ago. the toxicity stunted me emotionally and spiritually, made me insecure, brought me countless tears and sleepless nights. i had to get distance. i had to establish boundaries. i would suffer and work through whatever i had to in order to keep this from spreading to others and from tearing me apart.

i was forced into temporarily revisiting that past. i fought discouragement. i fought anger. and in the middle of my journey to the past, GOD spoke to me in that still, small voice. he lifted my chin and told me i didn't have to go back. he showed me how far i'd come. he confirmed to my heart that i need not engage in the turmoil. i think GOD gives good advice. i looked back, not to stay there, but to realize the goodness of GOD. and in the night when all was still and quiet, i whispered in my heart, "thanks GOD." my smile returned, and my body surrendered to sleep.

the emotional turn-around

feeling better today. yesterday was just really rough. i thought i had prepared. not enough, i guess. i just keep telling myself that what others mean for harm, GOD means for good. and people who do that kind of stuff to others are not at peace in their own lives. instead of being angry, i should pity them. i should pray for them. perhaps if they found what they were lacking, they wouldn't hurt people like they do. i'm not sure they realize they hurt people, which is a huge problem in itself. i may not have money or influence or fancy possessions, but i do have some really good intangibles in my life that obviously they are lacking. i don't have to belittle or manipulate others in order to make myself look and feel better. i don't have to push others down in order to advance myself or my family members.

GOD and i had some conversations thru-out the night. i think i understand better. in studying about the apostle paul, i learned there were places he tried to go, but something always stood in the way of him getting to his desired destination. maybe that's happening a little here. i've been praying a lot for GOD's favor on my family, particularly on my children. perhaps this is part of that favor...helping us get pointed in the direction where his favor can just overwhelm us. i'm trying to change my perspective. i feel like i'm always gonna face this unless i figure out a better way of dealing with it. i'm tired of being a victim. i don't want to be the aggressor. i am trying to find that peace that passes all understanding. i'm trying to learn to be content in any situation. i have not mastered that art. but one day...

it's a beautiful day today, and i'm going to spend it with my family and enjoy it. and that's something others can't take away from me. i let them steal my yesterday, but today is mine. how's that for a turn-around?

be yourself; turn up the volume

i came across someone's link the other day. it was about having fun. and there was one thing that stuck out in my mind ever since. i'm probably paraphrasing a bit, but here goes...find out who you are. be yourself. and turn up the volume.

and so that's what i've been doing. i'm tiring myself out trying to live up to the standards that others have for me. it's time i reconnect with myself. it's time i accept myself for who i am. it's time i start to like me again. and it's time to turn up the volume... and i've had a blast these past few days.

i'm hope being hope. i do feel like myself again. tonight, someone told me they enjoyed talking to me yesterday and although my name is hope, i am full of joy. and she's right. i am. at least the real me is. and it feels good to be me. i've had some wonderful conversations with some fun and nice people who have taken the time to get to know the real me and accept me.

i'm not perfect. i don't always say and do the "right" thing at the "right" time. but i don't have to be perfect. GOD just expects me to be the best me i can be. i am not going to please everybody, but i think it's time i narrow my list of those i truly need to please...to one. that would be GOD. and if he's happy. i'm happy. and probably so are many of those around me. =)

personal: i am determined

i think i've found a kindred spirit in the book of job. i have felt much of the anguish he expressed. it's all too familiar. don't get me wrong. i am not nearly the person he was nor have i experienced the depth of pain and loss, but i know those feelings well nonetheless.

though i haven't finished reading his story this time, i know that it ends well. there is hope for me, i know. and i am determined to be happy and fulfilled.

these last few years have been tough. i've been wounded, gotten bitter, seen my anger turn into hatred. but last year, i started a journey to become whole, to love, to find peace. i'm more aware when i have my porcupine quills out, so i try to chill and allow people to get close to me. i've noticed that my heart closes up when i fear being hurt. i'm finally at a place where i can stop midstream and evaluate my reactions and in many cases try to react in healthier, more positive ways. i don't always succeed, but at least i'm aware. that's a huge step for me.

i am still trying to find my place in the world. i'm still looking for the place i belong. i'm having visions of the show "cheers" where everybody knows your name. i know how that feels. i lived that for a while, and now i know i'm missing it. i want that again.

i feel like i've dug out the bitterness and woundedness, and now i have divots in my heart. now it's time to fill those holes with happiness and peace. i am determined that i will this year. i can feel it. this will be a good year for me. by the end of 2010, i will no longer be living in a deficit. my life will be overflowing and at peace, and i'll be able to give that peace and fulfillment and happiness to others around me. i am determined.

facing fear and finding my voice

i was reading a blog by anne jackson entitled, "fear plays the role of antagonist in the story of your life." if you don't subscribe to her blog, i recommend it. it's at flowerdust.net.

every once in a while someone says something that impacts you in a profound way. anne ended her blog with the statement, "the world needs your story in order to be complete." this upcoming year, i'll be launching a new ministry to young women called "emerge." it's about empowering young women to lead with humility and fearlessness. i struggle so with telling my story and embarking on this new ministry because of fear and insecurity. i hear fear telling me that i'm not qualified, that i'm not a good person, that i'm not a good speaker, that no one will care what i have to say b/c i've not accomplished anything in my lifetime. i think fear may be right sometimes or at least have a point. but i think fear does not have to dictate my future. i do have a story to tell, and i think there are people who need to hear that story. perhaps there are a lot of us who need to know that our story matters and that fear doesn't need to define or hinder us from being and making a difference.

i draw courage from queen esther and her journey (see the book of esther). when she was confronted with the knowledge that she and her people were in trouble and that she was in a position to stop it, she was visited by fear. she finally concluded, "if i must die, i die." and she went ahead with plans to save her people from execution. i read in her words a prayer i've uttered often recently, "i'm scared. help me do it anyway."

GOD has a plan for my life. i don't know all the details. i don't know how it's all going to pan out, but i know i have a story that others need to hear. it may not rock the world, but it may rock somebody's world. the world is not complete without my story. and it's not complete with yours. i'm finding my voice. and over this next year, i desire to help others find theirs.

LORD, you get me! you sooo get me!

life is full of challenges. that's a fact. whether we ask for it or not, we will face them. i'm in the process of recovering from a challenge, one that i feel i handled well. nonetheless, it wipes me out both physically and emotionally and sometimes leaves me a little depressed.


i found GOD to be really sweet and attentive to me yesterday. i was washing the dishes and listening to pandora radio. check it out if you haven't already. good stuff. anyway, at the time, i'm feeling a little down. one by one, these incredibly uplifting songs by these incredibly gifted female singers get radio play. by the 4th song, i'm feeling like a little girl dancing around on GOD's feet. what a sweet feeling. i love feeling like a little girl in the arms of my great big PAPA GOD. songs like "beauty from pain" by superchick and "you get me" by zoegirl washed over my rundown spirit and gave me hope and a smile.


i love those GOD moments, those times when it feels like GOD takes an extra-special interest in you and hand-crafts each song, each word, each moment to let you know just how loved you really are. that's my GOD, and i love him. thanks, GOD, for our little moment yesterday. you soooo get me!