wake up

i got overly confident after having a couple of good days of not overeating. i slipped into a mindset of ... yeah, i can have that. i've been doing well. i deserve it.

guess what happened. yep. the weight quit coming off.

i realized that i need to wake up and be aware of my situation. i can't cruise through and think i'm just going to magically lose the weight i want. i'm not going to go to sleep and wake up the next morning unattached to food.

this is going to take resolve. i'm going to have to stay awake and aware.

i also need to remind myself that i deserve better than to overeat. i deserve to be free from the pull of the refrigerator. God loves me, and his desire is that i live a free and abundant life.

this week my goal is to stay awake.

food was meant for the stomach, not for the heart

we all have holes in our souls, places that are incomplete, damaged, ravenous even. last night, as i tossed and turned, i felt God showing me some holes in my own soul.

every time i start a journey, God visits with me and reveals areas of hurt, unforgiveness and insecurity. i realize this is necessary, but it is very uncomfortable and sometimes unnerving when God shines light on my darkness forcing me to acknowledge its presence.

what does this have to do with overeating? for me...just about everything.

i eat to satisfy my hunger. i overeat to satisfy the longings of my soul. food has a numbing affect. some people turn to alcohol. i turn to food. when the binge is over, i feel guilty. i feel incomplete. the food doesn't magically make my life better. it doesn't heal my soul or fill the holes in it. it makes it worse.

today i stuggled. i have fought back tears. i have run to food many times today outside the boundaries of hunger so that i could fill my longing heart, but i can't feed my heart with food. it's one thing to feed your stomach when you're hungry. it's quite another to medicate yourself with food.

though i struggled today (and still am), i have so far been able to put the food down and walk away. it's so hard, but as I read psalms today, God reassured me he has heard me today.

transparent about my struggles with weight...how fun.

there are a lot of things in my life that i'm happy with, but my weight, eating habits and lack of exercising are not among them. also i haven't been reading my Bible like i would like. i read on occasion, but my taking 6 classes this semester has taken my attention away from reading the Bible and towards reading textbooks...a lot.

i have, however, talked to God a lot more this year. i'm chalking that up to those long commutes to and from atlanta. i quit calling it prayer these days. for whatever reason, i'm more comfortable with saying i'm having a chat with God. so it's not all bad.

but now it's time for change. i read a quote the other day about how it's not our lack of self-control but our not being ready for change that keeps us worshiping the status quo god.

i hate to admit it: but i overeat because i want to, and i don't exercise because i don't want to. i think that's called...(gulp) rebellion (at least for me). that needs to change, but i've had a problem wanting to change. i feel awful afterwards, and i swear i'm going to change. and then i don't. i haven't been ready to change.

i wish i could say that tonight i'm making my declaration to change, but to be honest, i don't trust myself to say that and mean it.

i know i need to continue my journey. i've worked through forgiving a whole lot of people and situations though i have a few ongoing that i need to readdress, and i've shared that journey of healing and wholeness. i guess i should share this other broken part of me. i know i'm not the only one who struggles with weight and overeating.

i wish this weren't true about me, but it is. this could get ugly. in fact, i know it's ugly. and i've tried to hide it far too long. it's time to shine the light on this darkness and deal with it. i hope i'm ready for this.

time for resolutions

i know...

some people don't believe in new year's resolutions. that's ok. i think of them more as new beginnings. even as i write this, i smile about the term "new beginnings" because it seems so appropriate. the year of 2010 started out with us having home church, but during the spring, we decided to give a new church a chance. the name? avalon, which means "new beginning." i guess i'm carrying my time of new beginnings into 2011.

a few days ago, our pastor blogged about the church's annual daniel fast. i've never done that before. to be honest, it seemed more like a spiritual fad to me. i've not always been a fan of fasting, partly due to a "super spiritual" couple i used to know who, every two weeks, would brag about just having come off another three-week fast. as a result, i tend to roll my eyes when people start talking about fasts. however, avalon and pastor ritchie have been winning my trust over the past few months, so i decided to talk to david about it, who seemed pretty positive about us joining the fast.

so i've been thinking about what i feel i need to focus on during this fast. i have once again been turning to food to fill the holes in my soul. this is both a physical and a spiritual issue for me. i realized on my walk today that i have toxins in my body and toxins in my spirit. and they need to go away. and i need to deal with them. i also have some questions about what paths i need to choose in regards to life and ministry. and i'll be joining in with my church in our collective prayers to find and know the will of GOD for the church.

already, i can feel GOD gently speaking to my heart and dealing with me about letting go of the things that cause me harm both physically and spritually. i know GOD wants me to have a new beginning, but i know i can't go into a new beginning until i let go of the past. even now, my heart is torn. even now, my spirit aches. i know this won't be easy, but i know that the journey will be worth it.

hunger/anxiety

i've done ok these last few days on my weight loss though it has been a challenge. i realized i tend to want to eat more when i'm tired. i've been tired more this week. i'm just not getting enough sleep.

so right at this moment, i am inwardly screaming for something sweet or just another glass of dr pepper cherry. i'm not hungry, but the anxiety in my heart...it's really bad.

oh, GOD, please help me realize that this is not true hunger. and please do something about this anxiety in my heart. help me eat only when i'm truly hungry. and bring peace and wholeness to my heart.

personal: diet

i've chosen to follow the "weigh down" principles of weight loss. it's like this: you get to eat what you want as long as you eat only when you're hungry and stop when you get full. it also has a spiritual aspect. many of us have holes in our souls. i am no different. i try to fill my holes with food. the problem is food doesn't fill those holes. the food just makes me fat. i'm an emotional eater, so this is a problem. i need to turn to GOD to fill those holes for me, not food.



i've been doing this for 2 days now. it hasn't been too hard yet, although it's had its moments. there are times when i'm not hungry, but i want to eat anyway. i'm feeling that right now, as a matter of fact.



i'm just bored. normally, i'd find something to snack on, and before i realized it, that snack would have turned into a bigger snack. that adds up to a lot of calories that i didn't need to have.



i know this approach works. my lowest weight as a mom came when i did weigh down. i was in a size 6. then i got pregnant, and i went back to my bad habits. bye-bye size 6!



i don't know if i'll get back down to that, but i must get control over my emotional eating. one day at a time! and if that's too much...one hour at a time!

personal: 4 in 4

4 things i am working on for the next 4 weeks:

1. lose 7 pounds: exercise regularly, eat smaller and healthier portions. get back to walking 3 miles.
2. bible reading: stay current on my reading plan
3. emerge ministry: put finishing touches on powerpoint and sessions; plan worship sets
4. home: organize and down-size (declutter) living room, dining room, kitchen, and laundry room

i decided to break down my resolutions into smaller, easier-to-handle pieces. each month, i plan to evaluate and plan my next set of goals. so here i go!

self-improvement update

my 3 areas of self-improvement:



weight loss:

did pretty well until this weekend and totally blew it. according to charts i saw this morning, i should be 30 pounds lighter to be in the middle of my healthy weight range. so i will attempt to start anew today. i have only eaten when hungry, but it is only 10:30. the most difficult time for me is the evening and night. my goal today is to take it one moment at a time to eat healthy and exercise at least 15 minutes. it's not much, but it's a start. i just want to start developing better habits.



daily devotional:

i got a new devotional book by joel osteen called your best life now. it's already helping me to have a positive attitude and outlook. yesterday's reading was taken from hebrews 11. i got stuck at verse 34 "...whose weakness was turned into strength." i take that as a promise. i have a number of weaknesses and insecurities. i will have faith that they will be turned into strength.



ministry:

i spent hours working on it last week. i finally got the brochure done, i think. i'm planning to concentrate on 2 sessions this week. one is about leading with scars. i'm starting to feel more comfortable with the thought of public speaking...most days.



one other area:

i'm trying to get my house organized and cleaned up, so if i can just get one thing done each day, i'll feel like i actually accomplished something. i'll be making a list today of things that need to get done.

transformation: emotional eating

got to confess. today was a little more challenging on my journey to transformation. i found it very painful to eat only one serving of my yummy dark chocolate with orange and almond slivers. dang! but i did it! it's wrapped up very nicely in a bag and is resting in the pantry. my heart is screaming for it, but i have to remind myself that my heart will not be satisfied with chocolate or food of any kind. my stomach is satisfied. it desires no more food. once again, i'm trying to fill a void in my heart with food. GOD, please fill my heart with you. my heart yearns for something. emotional eating only makes me feel guilty and packs the weight on. give me strength to pull away from the call of the chocolate. i know this sounds silly, but i am dead serious right now. i don't ever want to be a slave to food again. fill my heart with peace.

my journey with emotional eating

i've said it before, and i'll say it again. my name is hope, and i'm an emotional eater. what i haven't said before is that i've lost 10 pounds now! i got on the scale this morning, and i smiled back at it rather than frown or curse it!

i'm learning to go to GOD with my emotions instead of running to food. i know it sounds odd to run to food for comfort, but i've done it for years. not surprisingly, it never brought me lasting satisfaction. it brought me depression over my weight and lack of control. i stopped walking for weight control and started walking for stress management. i also walk sometimes just so i can dream or spend time with GOD. it's not as hard to get motivated to walk these days.

emotional baggage is heavy, and every item i give up is another pound lost. i'm hoping to shed another 8 lbs by november 1st. it's a lot to let go of, but i think i'm up for the challenge. Romans 12:2 says, "...let GOD transform you into a new person by changing the way you think."