What Hinders My Relationships

My response to a question posted by Chris Maxwell in the section "Adding" in his new book Pause. I hope you will take the time to check out his book and testimony.

Question: What hinders or prevents you from making new friends and adding new activities to your life?

The good thing about not having any money is that you know people aren't friends with you because of it. We used to have money when my husband was a nuclear engineer, but we felt God was calling us in a different direction, so we walked away from the comfort and lifestyle we enjoyed for a simpler and more modest one.

At least I thought it would be simpler. My husband went into ministry. And suddenly we had a lot more friends. That is until the honeymoon phase was over. I found out quickly that when someone is upset with your minister husband or another minister on staff or a church board decision, sometimes they take it up with the wife and sometimes they take it out on the wife. Long story short, my friends list got a little shorter.

When we left ministry, the same thing happened again. Come to find out, a good number of those people I thought were my friends were not attracted to me, but rather they were attracted to our position. Thankfully, they weren't all like that. Some didn't abandon us at all. And sometimes it was understandably more a case of 'out of sight, out of mind.'

I thought things would be different when my husband went into education and athletics, but little has changed.

It's difficult to know who your real friends are.

Experience is teaching me to keep people at a distance. This is hard for me because I'm pretty open and trusting, yet I find it a necessity in order to keep my sanity and to keep from getting depressed or discouraged.

I don't have much of a problem adding new activities in my life, but I struggle adding new friends. What hinders me are things like a lack of trust, past hurts, the possibility of future disappointments, fear of being used and rejected.

It's not that I don't want to add friends. I do. But I'm tired. Tired of going home and licking my wounds because someone liked me last week and snubbed me this week. Tired because someone laughed with me last week and snarked at me this week. Tired because someone understood last week and judged me this week.

This sometimes causes me to seem moody, and sometimes I sit alone. I like for people to like me, so it's difficult for me when people don't. It's even more difficult when there's nothing I can do about it. So sometimes I act a little weird and standoffish even to those I can trust. I'm sorry if I push people away sometimes. I don't like that, but sometimes my heart doesn't know what else to do.

I can't change what others do, but I can change how I react to it.

I am going to hold onto the hope and the promise that there are people out there who like me for me. The others are just missing out. I just hope I don't push away the good ones because of my fear of the other ones.

So that's what hinders me.

Acceptance

In Chris Maxwell's book, Pause, he asks us to look in the mirror and accept the person looking back and to look through our neighborhoods and accept the people nearby.

Acceptance...this is both easy and difficult for me.

When I decided to go back to school and get my degree, I wondered if I'd be accepted. I chose Georgia State University in downtown Atlanta not just because it offered a degree in public relations but because of the diversity the school offered.

Not everyone looked, thought or acted like I did. Nor did they look, think or act like everyone else I'd ever known. I was fascinated, though at times a little scared and insecure. But I soon learned that it was easy to accept them. They made it easy. They openly accepted me.

I made friends easily and accepted into my social circle people of different faiths, ideologies, orientations and cultures. They made me a better person. I hope they can say the same about me.

Accepting others nearby is the easier one. Accepting the person in the mirror...now that's a bit of a challenge.

I read a while back that part of integrity is acceptance. Acceptance of both the good and the not-so good about ourselves. When we accept all of who we are, we are integrated. We have integrity. Integrity is not a lofty ideal. It is...realness.

In general, I like who I am. But I have difficulty accepting some things about myself. I don't particularly care for the way I look. I get easily discouraged when it comes to my weight. I learned at a young age to associate happiness and success with thinness. That thinking has messed me up on many occasions. There are some things I need to change and other things I need to accept.

I don't like my relationship with God right now. My faith is on a roller coaster complete with ups, downs and loops. It's hard to trust when all is silent, when the doors are closed, when the darkness surrounds. I'm fighting to trust and fighting to believe. I'm fighting to accept. To help, I have a picture on my Facebook page that reminds me not to confuse God's patience with his absence.

Chris reminds me in his chapter about acceptance that I need to accept and experience life and all its abundances. And that reminds me of the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. 

Chris Maxwell's book Pause

Learning to Pause

" In our efforts to reach  our desires we often miss what we desire the most. Let's change that.

Let's pause.

Let's read the words.

Let's experience a better life in the normal, in the usual, in the hurt, in the questions.

Let's see the wonder. One word at a time."

These are not my words, but they are what I desire.
These words come from my friend Chris Maxwell in his most recent book, Pause.

I want to be a better person, and Chris always inspires and challenges me to be that better person. I feel so blessed to have him as a friend. I can't tell you how many times I've needed prayer and encouragement, and the next thing I know I'm getting a text or message from him. He has a way of guiding and leading and nudging that leaves me feeling encouraged, like I can accomplish big things. I never once have felt judged or like I don't measure up when I'm around him.

I want to experience a better life. I want to take the good and learn from the bad. I want peace. I want to help others be happy, be better, be whole.

I want to see the wonder. Chris always reminds people to enjoy the journey. I've heard it enough times that it has now become part of who I am. I consciously take time to notice things as I go through life. It's not always about the destination. I know that now.

I love to brag on my friends. And that's one reason I'm writing this now. I really want people to check out his new book. But I'm also writing this because as I've been reading his book, I have a million thoughts running through my head that I need to write down. So I'm using this as an introduction to future posts.

Chris takes one word at a time, shares his stories, thoughts and feelings, and then leaves the reader with three takeaways: reflect, receive, and respond. I've been reflecting and receiving. Now I want to respond and share a little of my personal journey.

So stay tuned. There is more to come. Perhaps my journey will inspire you on yours.

In the meantime, check out Chris Maxwell's book Pause. Clink on the link below the picture to learn more about his book and about him personally. He has a wonderful story.

Chris Maxwell's Pause

Abstract Thinking - I Do That Well

The heart of an artist is fearless. It dares to dream and envision. It looks beyond the way things seem and sees what others cannot.

I am naturally an abstract thinker.

According to wiseGEEK.com, 'the abstract thinker can conceptualize or generalize, understanding that each concept can have multiple meanings. Such thinkers might see patterns beyond the obvious and be able to use patterns or a variety of concrete ideas or clues to solve larger problems.'

This is one of the things I really, really like about myself, and this definition describes me well. As a result, I'm able to dream  and envision things that others don't or won't or can't.

I've been in a bit of a dark place lately. Trying to find a job can be frustrating and filled with disappointments, especially when you know you can do the job if someone would only give you the chance.

Unfortunately, 'abstract thinker' doesn't seem to be on employers' radars, but it definitely makes me a better volunteer, employee, student, wife, mother, woman...

But at the moment, a job is not what I'm focused on. After a few rejections, I just need to remind myself that I am good enough, that I have a lot to offer and that I have some wonderful qualities.

And that's the reason for this post. I needed to focus on me...and what I do well.

Somebody's going to see me and what I have to offer, and they're going to be smart enough to say, "You're hired." It wouldn't hurt if they added that they're going to pay me an exorbitant amount of money because I'm just so darn awesome!

Meanwhile, I'm just going to get my thinking back on track.

Stay positive. Believe. Give. Be fearless.

I'm Sinking, and I Can't Rise Up

God,

Remember that time a few years ago when I sang this song to you?

Lord, I believe in You
I'll always believe in You
Though I cant see you with my eyes
Deep in my heart
Your presence I find
Lord, I believe in You
And I'll keep my trust in You
Let the whole world say what they may
No one can take this joy away
Lord, I believe 

I must confess. Instead of walking on water, I feel like I'm sinking. Doubt, rejection and disappointment are starting to pull me under. I'm struggling to hold onto my trust and joy. I feel them slipping out of my hands. I so desperately need to find your presence again. I don't know why it eludes me. You, more than anyone else, know my struggles. I have been through enough to know you are near, but your silence really hurts my heart.

I want to trust that everything is as it should be, that you have a plan for me. I know I only see in part, that your ways are higher than my own. But it's getting more difficult each day to believe.

I need to know you're with me. I need to feel like you see me, like you understand my heart.

I don't need epic signs and wonders. Just a little whisper, a small assurance will do.

I'm still a little broken, so don't leave me hanging. You know how I get. =)

Me just being me,
Hope

To Matthew - Be Great!

My oldest son signs to play college basketball today.

I am unbelievably proud.

And it's not just because of his accomplishments on game days. I watched this child work day after day to become a better teammate and player. He had no off-season. Basketball was a year-round endeavor.

And it's not just because he worked hard to improve his basketball skills. I watched him mature and step into a leadership role. He earned the respect of both teammates and rivals.

And it's not just because he's a leader. I watched him dream. I was there with him at Georgia College and State University his junior year after his team had been knocked out of the playoffs when he looked around and said that his team would play for the state championship in that gym the next year.

And he was right. He took it on himself to make that happen. His team caught the dream, too, and together they accomplished something special. What a great season, and what a great team!

I've told Matthew often that a good player makes himself look good, but a great player makes the whole team look good.

I've thought he was great since he was a little kid playing rec league, when he was the quarterback of the Pebbles football team in Graniteville, South Carolina. They went undefeated that year. The last game of the season couldn't have ended better had it been scripted for a movie. The game was tied. Matthew handed the ball off, and with no time left on the clock, his teammate ran the ball into the end zone for the win.

At the awards ceremony, Matthew's coaches gave him the highest honor, the award called "Mr. Pebble" and remarked that they'd never seen a more selfless player. He made his team look good.

A few years later, Matthew found himself on one of two baseball teams in a little town in North Georgia. As politics would dictate, one of the teams was stacked. Matthew was one of the better players in the county and found himself on the favored team. Not surprisingly, a number of people were upset. So was Matthew. It bothered him so much that he asked permission to switch teams. I can't remember if that team won or lost that season. What I remember is Matthew donning his new uniform and winning the hearts of every momma out there, including myself. He not only made his team look good, he made me look good. I had raised a good kid.

And that leads me back where I began: Matthew leading his team on the 2012 GISA AAA state championship run. Most people never saw his year-round workouts. Most people never knew about the practices he called even when coaches couldn't be there. Or the conversations with teammates. Or the goofy raps on bus trips.

Points, assists, steals, rebounds. The measurement of these causes us to determine how good a player is.

But some things are less tangible like heart, passion, and composure. Put them together with the above, and you have a great player. Multiply that, and you have a great team.

So, my prayer for you, Matthew,  is that in basketball, in life, in relationships, wherever you are, be great. I'm so proud and excited for you. Your dreams are becoming reality.

Matthew: Realizing My Dream

This is what my son wrote for an essay about how he believes his college will help him with his career path. I'm really proud of him. 

Just starting out.

Senior year of HS

Being a basketball coach is something that I have wanted to do my whole life. I have played basketball pretty much since I was able to walk. My parents bought me a plastic basketball goal for little kids, and I have never stopped playing. This year, I led my high school team to the state championship game in GISA AAA division. Coaches and announcers kept calling me the leader of the team, and some even said I would make a good coach one day. And that is what I would like to become.

The college that I will be attending is Shorter University in Rome, Georgia. I think Shorter will help me in my journey to become a basketball coach. The coach offered me the opportunity play basketball for the school. I hope that by playing on the college level, I will become a better basketball player and learn more about the game. That’s what the assistant coach said that he did. I hope to follow a similar path.

After I graduate from college I want to become an assistant coach for Shorter University or another college. As an assistant I want to learn under a head coach and take everything he knows and apply it. I think the coaching staff at Shorter University is a good group to learn from. They are knowledgeable, and they care about basketball and the players. They also stress positive values. 

I hope by doing all of this, I will get to be a head basketball coach one day. By getting the chance to play college basketball, it opens the door for me to hopefully coach at the collegiate level. This college will specifically help me in what I want to become. If Shorter had not given me the chance to come to their school and play basketball, I may have missed out on a great opportunity to follow my dream.  I look forward to being a Hawk. I think I am learning from the best. I know I will get a great education from Shorter University both on and off the court. And I will be able to pass my knowledge, passion and values to other kids. I will help them reach their goals and become better people.

This scholarship is sponsored by CenturyLinkQuote.com.